Overcoming the Lies We Tell Ourselves

This is an overview of cognitive distortions to introduce you to them before we dive deeper into each one in the coming months. We’ll explore how you can identify them in yourself when someone on your team is engaging and what you can do about it.

How often do you lie to yourself?

I’m not talking about small fibs like how many cookies you ate or how old you turn on your birthday. I’m talking about the harmful words we tell ourselves when stressed.

On the surface, negative self-talk might not seem like a big deal—after all, we all do it occasionally, right? But consistently repeated over time, the lies we tell ourselves about our capabilities and self-worth can really affect the way we think, feel, and react in difficult situations.

In last week’s newsletter, I briefly touched on cognitive distortions. This week, we’re going to start digging a little deeper in the specific tactics our brains use to bend our perceptions and, by extension, our reality.

The goal is to identify which ones we tend to use, so that we can begin to understand why we use them—and what we can do about them.

Scarier than it sounds, cognitive distortion is irrational or biased thinking that can negatively affect emotions and behavior. For example, when your boss asks for an unexpected and last-minute meeting, and you immediately assume you’re being fired. That freak-out is your brain going into fight or flight mode, aka the Red Zone. To compensate for your worries, your brain kicks into high gear; perhaps it starts:

• Mind-reading: “She’s mad that I was late for work this morning.”
• Fortune-telling: “She’s going to regret putting me on this project.”
• Catastrophizing: “I’ll never be able to make it up to her. I might as well quit now to save her the hassle of eventually firing me.”

Those wacky thoughts? Cognitive distortions. Note that they are always negative. What if that meeting was simply because your boss needed your help to plan a fun surprise for the team? What if your current manager just handed in his notice, and she’d like to promote you? What if she noticed you’ve been stressing out about being late and she’s about to offer you some flexibility?

As a leader, you must learn how to identify your go-to distortions so you can recognize them in others—and address them head-on.

Identifying Cognitive Distortions in Yourself

Possessing a keen sense of self-awareness is essential in recognizing cognitive distortions within yourself. Because it can be difficult to identify these distortions in the heat of the moment, recognizing what happens in your brain when you are in the Red Zone (heightened distressed) can help you pinpoint how your brain specifically reacts.

The Red Zone is a hotbed for cognitive distortions. When you are feeling distress, pay attention to see if you:

• Jump into negative self-talk
• Launch into extreme or overthinking
• Feel your heart racing
• Snap at others or raise your voice
• Make impulsive and poor decisions.
• Shut down.

Everyone is different! Use simple techniques for self-reflection, such as journaling or mindfulness practices, to help identify patterns after a Red Zone moment has passed.

Recognizing Cognitive Distortions in Team Members

Emphasize the importance of open and empathetic communication with your team. You don’t want to send someone into the Red Zone by putting them on the spot, so discuss how you are observing cognitive distortions within yourself and suggest that your team members do the same.

You may even start to observe some common behavior patterns in others, especially when those internal thoughts or feelings are verbalized as pessimism, procrastination, or perfectionism.

Without making an assumption about what someone is going through, you can use these observations as an invitation to a deeper conversation. Reflect on what you are seeing and ask if they have noticed that in themselves.

Addressing Cognitive Distortions

When talking about cognitive distortions, it is important to remind yourself and your team that while you are not a medical professional, you are still here for support.

• Share what you’re noticing.
• Introduce basic strategies to counteract cognitive distortions, such as being aware when you are using them and flipping negative self-talk to positive phrasing.
• Provide tips on supporting team members in recognizing and addressing their cognitive distortions (e.g., active listening, providing constructive feedback).
• Mention when it might be appropriate to seek professional help, such as therapy or counseling, and know what resources your organization provides.

Stay tuned for a deep dive into each of the 11 Cognitive Distortions, complete with in-the-moment mindset shifts that will help you overcome the mental “lies” that get in the way of your true potential.