Overcoming the fear of disappointing others: tips for breaking the people pleasing cycle

Do you find yourself constantly trying to please others, even at the expense of your wellbeing? Do you feel anxious or guilty when you cannot meet the expectations of people? If so, you may be caught in the cycle of people pleasing like I was.

I spent most of my corporate career as an executive and senior leader wanting to be approved by those around me. I did not feel good about myself, so I sought out external validation to help settle my self-doubt. I struggled to set boundaries, I said ‘yes’ to everything and I burnt myself out a few times over the years. I was rewarded for my commitment to my job and I ran up the corporate ladder however, inside I frequently felt trapped and frustrated.

I?coach both female?and male executives who also have this tendency to people please. They feel compelled to act in accordance with other people’s expectations of them. ?This means they struggle to show up as themselves at times. They frequently stretch themselves too thin, thus by default, deprioritise their physical and mental health. ?

I define people pleasing to be when we place other people’s feelings, views, or needs above our own consistently over time to the detriment of ourselves. The psychological term for it is ‘fawning’ - it is one of the four stress responses we can exhibit in conjunction with fight, flight, or freeze.

Whilst it is important to be cognisant and considerate of those around us, constantly prioritising other people’s needs over our own can take a toll on our overall happiness. Below are 5 strategies to help break the people pleasing cycle and overcome the fear of disappointing others.

1. Recognise and acknowledge our own needs

The first step to breaking the people pleasing cycle is to be aware of our own needs. This sounds simple, but can be challenging to do if we are disconnected from our feelings. Taking the time to regularly pause and reflect on our emotions, thoughts and desires is key. It is important to remember that taking care of ourselves is not selfish, but rather an essential component of being an effective executive and leader. Journaling can help us get in touch with our inner world. If we are finding ourselves drawn to pleasing another and deprioritising ourselves again, then writing down what we think, or need in one column, and recording what someone else expects of us in a second column allows us to separate the two.

2. Acknowledge and reframe our unhelpful thoughts

People pleasing often stems from negative beliefs and thoughts about our self-worth. We may believe that we are not good enough, or that we need to constantly please others to be accepted. Observe these thoughts with kindness, then challenge or reframe them by practicing self-compassion. We can remind ourselves that we deserve to be a priority, regardless of whether or not we can meet the expectations of others. We can also repeat positive statements internally to help focus on our strengths.

3. Practice assertiveness

When we are connected to ourself we can more easily express our thoughts, feelings, or desires to other people in a specific, direct, and respectful manner. Letting go of feeling guilty is critical when breaking the people pleasing cycle. Speaking up to advocate for ourself might require setting boundaries with others, or saying no to certain requests or demands. It can be helpful to start with one person at work, or in our personal life, and build from there over time. Accept that it takes time to feel comfortable being assertive and we will never feel ‘ready’ to do so. Take the leap and start small. The corporate world used to celebrate ‘yes people’ who had no boundaries however, the tide is now turning where the wellbeing of leaders and employees is more valued.

4. Seek support

Breaking the people pleasing cycle can be challenging as it is often based on a deeply ingrained pattern of behaviour from when we were younger. To help process our conflicting emotions, or cognitions we can seek support from a trusted friend, family member, executive coach, or therapist to talk things over. They can provide us with a listening ear, guidance, encouragement, and accountability as we work to overcome this pattern of behaviour to enact purposeful change.

5. Celebrate our progress

Finally, it is important to celebrate our successes along the way. Breaking the people pleasing cycle is not easy, it takes time, tenacity, and self-compassion. It is important to acknowledge our progress and accomplishments. Celebrating the times when we were able to prioritise our own needs, or set boundaries with others helps positively reinforce new ways of operating. Recognise that every small step forward is moving us in the right direction.

In conclusion, breaking the people pleasing cycle and overcoming the fear of disappointing others is a process that takes time and conscious effort. However, with the right strategies and support, it is possible to prioritise ourself whilst maintaining healthy relationships with others. Being compassionate and celebrating our successes along the way helps as we better balance our needs with other's expectations to enable us to operate at a high level in the corporate world. ?

Let me help you love life at the top of business by letting go of your people pleasing tendencies. I want you to play big because everyone benefits when you take up more space. Being you give others permission to be their authentic self. ?

If you are interested in working with me:

• Reach out for a coffee date to share your leadership story with me
• Read more about my 1:1 executive coaching approach - https://www.thrivingpeopleconsulting.com/coaching/
• Read more about my Women Who Thrive group coaching program – we have a new cohort kicking off in Adelaide on 29 May 2024 https://www.thrivingpeopleconsulting.com/coaching/women-who-thrive/

Rebecca Christianson

Founder & Director of Thriving People Consulting.