Overcoming the Fear of Asking: Advocate for Yourself and Unlock Opportunities

Have you ever hesitated to ask for a promotion, a raise, or a leadership opportunity?

Have you ever told yourself, “I’m not ready,” or “What if they say no?”

If so, you’re not alone. I’ve personally battled the fear of asking—and I’ve seen it hold back countless women in tech.

In this article, I’ll share my own experiences, explore why the fear of rejection is so prevalent, and provide actionable strategies to help you confidently advocate for yourself.

When I Hesitated to Ask

One of the most pivotal moments in my career came when I was eight months pregnant with my second child. An engineering manager position opened up at my company—the exact kind of leadership role I had been striving toward. But instead of immediately jumping at the opportunity, I hesitated.

Why?

??Fear of bias:?I worried that my pregnancy and upcoming maternity leave would make me seem like an unsuitable candidate.

? Self-doubt: I didn’t have prior management experience, and I assumed they’d prefer someone with a proven track record.

? Lack of visibility: The hiring manager didn’t know me well, and I was concerned they wouldn’t see my potential.

It was my husband who pushed me to nominate myself. “What do you have to lose?” he asked. He was right. A former manager also encouraged me, offering to advocate for me by speaking directly with the hiring manager about my skills and readiness.

Their belief in me gave me the courage to ask—and guess what?

I got the role.

Why Fear Holds Women Back

Fear of rejection is a common barrier for women in tech. It stems from several factors:

1. Cultural conditioning: Women are often socialized to wait for opportunities to be offered rather than proactively seeking them out.

2. Perfectionism: Many women feel they need to check every box before applying for a role or asking for a promotion, while their male counterparts often approach these situations with greater boldness.

3. Fear of judgment: Asking for something—especially something bold—can feel vulnerable, and the fear of being seen as unworthy or demanding can be paralyzing.

But here’s the hard truth: no one will know your aspirations if you don't ask. And if no one knows your aspirations, you’re relying entirely on others to notice you and advocate for you—which rarely happens.

Overcoming the Fear: Lessons from My Coaching

When I work with women in tech, I see these fears come up again and again. That’s why I focus on three key areas to help them move past the fear of asking:

1. Building confidence: We start by identifying their strengths, accomplishments, and the unique value they bring to their teams and organizations.

2. Starting small: I encourage them to practice asking in low-risk scenarios, like negotiating discounts or making small requests at work, to build their comfort with hearing “no.”

3. Strategizing the ask: We work on crafting a clear, compelling case for their requests, framing them in a way that aligns with both their own goals and the company’s objectives.

Practical Strategies for Making Bold Asks

If you’re preparing to make a bold ask—whether it’s for a raise, a promotion, or a leadership opportunity—here are some strategies to set yourself up for success:

1. Build your case: Highlight your achievements and align them with the organization’s goals. Show how what you’re asking for isn’t just good for you—it’s good for the company.

2. Seek feedback first: Start by asking for feedback on specific accomplishments or skills. This naturally transitions the conversation to discussing your readiness for the next step.

3. Reframe “no”: Understand that “no” often means “not now” rather than “never.” Use rejection as a learning opportunity to refine your approach and try again later.

What Asking Boldly Taught Me

Asking for what I wanted wasn’t always easy, but every time I overcame the fear, I grew stronger.

For example:

• When I wanted to be promoted from engineering manager to director, I hesitated to share my aspirations.

I wasn’t sure my manager saw me as a fit for the role, and I feared rejection. But I realized that staying silent could hurt my career even more than hearing “no.”

Once I communicated my goals clearly, it opened up new opportunities I hadn’t anticipated.

• In coaching sessions, I often see women hold themselves back because they’re afraid they’ll be perceived as pushy or ungrateful. But advocating for yourself isn’t selfish—it’s essential. It not only advances your career but also sets an example for others.

One Actionable Tip

If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: Asking is a strength, not a weakness.

Here’s how to approach it:

• Work on your confidence and recognize your worth.

• Frame your ask as beneficial not just for you but also for your manager and organization.

• Practice asking for things in your daily life to build resilience against rejection.

Empowering Others to Ask

When coaching women, I often ask: What’s the worst that can happen?

Once they realize that a “no” isn’t the end of the world, it becomes easier for them to step outside their comfort zones. And with every bold ask, their confidence grows.

Final Thoughts

Advocating for yourself is one of the most important skills you can develop in your career. It takes practice, strategy, and courage, but the rewards are worth it.

Remember: You don’t need to have all the answers or be 100% ready to ask for what you want. Start small, build your confidence, and take the leap.

?? What’s one bold ask you’ve been holding back on?

Share your story in the comments—I’d love to support you!

?? Want to hear more about the power of asking and other career strategies?

Listen to my latest podcast episode here: https://limorbergman.com/podcast/

Recommended resources

1. Listen to an incredible 24-minute video by Margaret Hale on Negotiation - Getting what you want.
2. Read the book Women Don't Ask by Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever