Overcoming Defensiveness: The Obstacle of Healthy Conversations.

How often do you catch yourself getting defensive when someone offers you feedback or criticism?

Let's be real, it happens to the best of us. Whether it's a colleague, a friend, or even your boss, the instinct to protect our egos can kick in faster than you can say, "constructive criticism."

Conversations can be tricky to master, especially when emotions run high.

What Is Defensiveness?

It's that knee-jerk reaction we experience when we feel criticized, rejected, or vulnerable. It often leads to strained relationships and stunted personal growth.

It's natural to try to protect ourselves from perceived threats, but often this reaction emerges from deeper fears and insecurities, resulting in an overprotective stance even when the situation doesn't warrant it. Recognizing these triggers is critical for managing defensive tendencies effectively.

Why Understanding Defensiveness Matters

Understanding defensiveness is essential for healthier communication. When left unchecked, it can damage both professional and personal relationships. Learning to identify the root causes helps us differentiate between real threats and those imagined by our ego. This awareness allows more thoughtful and constructive interactions.

"To be defensive is to react with a war mentality to a non-war issue." Sharon Ellison

Defensiveness isn't just about throwing up a wall; it's a full-blown battle stance. When you're feeling attacked over a non-life-threatening piece of feedback, you're essentially gearing up for battle over a skirmish that doesn't exist. Isn't that just exhausting?

Now, I know what you're thinking—what if the feedback is unfair or comes from someone who doesn't know what they're talking about? That's where discernment comes in. Not all feedback is created equal, and it's okay to filter out the noise. But, for those whose opinions you respect, leaning into their feedback can be a game-changer.

5 Defensive Behavior Patterns in Conflict

Denial or Excuses

When confronted with an issue, some individuals may deny any wrongdoing or shift blame to avoid accountability. This behavior often manifests in statements like:

• "You're imagining things."
• "That's not how it happened."
• "I did it because of X, not Y."

Justification

Over-justifying actions or behavior can hinder effective communication and problem-solving. Examples of this behavior are:

"Here's why I did it..."

"You never give me the benefit of the doubt."

"You made me react this way when you..."

Counter-Attacks

Instead of addressing concerns, a defensive person might respond with criticism, which can escalate conflicts. Examples include:

• "You do that just as much as I do."
• "If you want to bring up past mistakes, let's talk about the time YOU..."
• "You're one to talk."

Minimization

Minimizing the significance of others' feelings can invalidate their emotions and erode trust. Common phrases include:

• "It's not a big deal."
• "You're overreacting."
• "We'll discuss this later." (but never follow through)

Shutting Down or Withdrawing

Defensiveness can also lead to emotional withdrawal or a refusal to communicate. This might look like:

• Walking away without explanation.
• Refusing to respond.
• Saying, "I'm not discussing this with you."

Recognizing these behaviors (source: Aly Bullock, MFT) is the first step toward improving communication and resolving conflicts constructively.

Strategies

Raise Self-Awareness

Take an inventory of situations and relationships where defensiveness frequently occurs. This can reveal patterns and specific triggers. Insight into these patterns allows to prepare and respond more thoughtfully in future interactions.

Mindfulness and Meditation

Regular practice of mindfulness creates space between thought and action, allowing for a more measured response. It reduces the physiological responses associated with defensiveness, helping us remain calm and composed, even when facing challenging feedback.

Build Self-Esteem

Improving self-esteem is another critical component in reducing defensiveness. Individuals with higher self-esteem are less likely to feel threatened by criticism and are more open to feedback, as they do not perceive it as a personal attack.

Set Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries protect your well-being and self-esteem. By setting clear boundaries, you can minimize situations that trigger defensiveness. This internal confidence reduces the need for defensive reactions, making engaging in honest and open conversations easier.

Recognize Achievements

Focusing on your achievements and strengths can boost self-esteem. This practice helps develop an internal sense of confidence and reduce the likelihood of feeling threatened by external criticism. Celebrate your successes and acknowledge your strengths regularly.

Understand Personal Triggers

Reflect on situations that consistently trigger defensive responses and understand the reasons behind these reactions. Use these three strategies for better understanding:

1. Think about who this person reminds you of—maybe a colleague, friend, or family member.

2. Recall a time when you felt the same way in a different situation.

3. Compare this interaction to past experiences to find similarities.

Shift from defensive to open-minded

Start by getting curious. When someone is sharing their thoughts, take a moment to breathe and genuinely listen. Ask questions like, "What made you feel that way?" or "Can you give me an example?" This not only shows that you value their input but also gives you a clearer picture of where they're coming from. Plus, it buys you some time to process without reacting impulsively.

Learn from Feedback

Reframe feedback as a tool for personal development rather than a threat. This approach improves personal relationships and contributes to overall growth and emotional well-being.

Feedback, especially from trusted sources, is valuable for personal growth. View criticism as an opportunity to learn and improve. You can engage in more constructive conversations and enhance your relationships when you shift your perspective.

Understanding and overcoming defensiveness is crucial for fostering healthier communication and personal growth. You can effectively manage your defensive tendencies by raising self-awareness, practicing mindfulness, building self-esteem, understanding personal triggers, and shifting from reacting to listening.

These strategies, backed by expert insights from psychotherapist Terry Cole, can help you engage in more meaningful and constructive conversations.

Remember, the goal is not to eliminate defensiveness entirely but to manage it to enhance your interactions. Start practicing these techniques today and see the positive impact on your relationships and personal growth.

If you're looking for more personalized guidance, consider booking a FREE session to explore tailored strategies to help you navigate challenging conversations and build healthier communication patterns.