Overcoming Conflict Avoidance with an Impatient, Critical Boss: Part 2 in a Series
Dr. Mark Goulston
Co-Founder, Deeper Coaching Institute, co-creator, Deeper Coaching Certification, divisions of On Global Leadership, Marshall Goldsmith 100 Coaches member, author, "Just Listen"
By Mark Goulston and Sumukh Setty
In a recent LinkedIn survey we asked: “How often do you feel conflict avoidance contributes to an individual's or organization's failure?”
Of the 525 who voted, 71 % answered Frequently; 22% answered Sometimes; 7 % answered Rarely.
That would confirm our belief that conflict avoidance is very common and very costly and therefore overcoming it would be very beneficial to one’s success and peace of mind.
In addition to thinking of what you want the outcome of confronting a person you are currently avoiding to be and then thinking of the best way to approach them to have it happen, another important practice to follow in approaching conflict and communication generally is to pause and think of where the other person is coming from and even a step deeper, what may have happened to them to cause them to come from that place.
Regarding the title of this blog, show us an impatient, critical boss and we’ll show you a boss who’s acting that way because they’re being pressured to get results sooner than is reasonable from another entity (important client/customer, CEO, Board, stock price, WSJ) that is critical to their success, a promotion, compensation and reputation in their hands and as a result, a boss who can’t stand to have subordinates or even peers waste their time.
Knowing these key factors will help inform you how to best approach that boss, prevent a conflict from happening and/or deal with them once it has happened.
Other points to keep in mind are that the more proactive and anticipatory you are and the more you take charge in a confident but not controlling manner, the more disarming you will be which will hold you in good stead with someone who is prone to impatience and being critical.
That is because bosses who are impatient and critical often become that way when they sense fear in others - in this case, you - which can lead to the following vicious cycle: impatience and criticism begets fear in you; fear in you begets more hesitation and tentativeness; hesitation and tentativeness begets more impatience and criticism from your boss.
Alternatively, the less hesitant, tentative and more confident and taking charge you are, the less impatient and critical your boss will be.
Here’s how to set yourself up to be most effective with such a boss.
Reach out to him/her and say, “When would be a good time to grab ten minutes of your time to run something by you that I think will help me to get better results for you?”
Since results are what their performance is based on, this will hopefully gain their attention and willingness to grab a conversation with you.
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When you meet say to them, “I have figured out that one of the things you can’t stand is to have people waste your time. Do I have that right?”
Hopefully, they’ll respond with, “Yes,” and even be a little intrigued.
Now comes a script that is at first glance longish, but you would still do well to practice and remember. That said, feel free to modify it to your language as long as you hit all the main points.
Then say, “Good, I think the best way for me to not waste your time when I come to you is to make certain that whatever I come to you with is relevant to you and then for me to be clear, concise, and then gone.?And by relevant you’re wanting me to bring you something that is most aligned with what as a group we’re trying to accomplish which should be aligned to the KPI’s you are responsible for and then if it is something that I need your help with, that it’s within your ability to do. That’s because if and when I bring you matters that are not aligned with what we’re trying to accomplish or ones that you can’t help me with and furthermore if instead of being clear I come off as confused or confusing and instead of being concise I go on and on and finally if instead of being gone, I can’t take a hint that you have many other things to do and wear out my welcome, you are going to be thinking what a royal waste of your time I am being. Am I getting your point of view correctly? If not, what would you change?”
Then wait for them to say, “Yes,” or modify your statement.
By doing that you are utilizing one of Robert Cialdini’s influence principles called: Commitment/Consistency. What that means is that when you say something and cause another person to say, “Yes,” they have psychologically made a commitment to you and then after they do that there is a psychological tendency for them to want to act in a way that is consistent with that commitment.
If you’re thinking why go through this exercise which feels as if it might try that boss’ patience?
When you can articulate what’s on another person’s mind that they haven’t told you and they haven’t even thought of, they often become drawn to you because they’re curious about what else you might understand about them.
When you do that, you become someone they then want more from namely further insights into or observations about them. And the more they want from you that’s about them that they didn’t know, the more intrigued and respectful they may become towards you.
Sumukh Setty?is Chief of Staff at Boost and past President at Babson' eTower