OVERCOMING ANGER ALONE!

It’s December 11th 2017 and I have been sitting on my couch for 3 hours trying to forget the rage I am feeling inside me. I am so angry. I feel the heat on my back, which is ironic because I had a massage earlier today. I am getting more irritated with time because the anger is not going away. What do I need to do to stop feeling this way?

I rushed home, removed my bra..I mean that should do the trick, but no, it didn’t.

[My brain] “Okay let’s turn on the heater and watch Youtube videos”

[Me] This isn’t working!

[My brain] “Mmmmmh, may be if you eat snacks before dinner that will comfort you”

[Me] Why are the snacks not tasty as they usually are? I am bored of this taste.

[My brain] “How about we learn something new. You enjoy increasing your knowledge, how about we watch that Instagram tutorial you bookmarked earlier”

< after about 10 minutes >

[Me] I am so irritated!

[My brain] “ Maybe you should just press pause and relax this evening. There is a lot on your mind Esther, how about you just don’t do anything this evening”

[Me] I can’t press pause. I am just so angry. SO A.N.G.R.Y!

[My brain] Why are you angry?

[Me] Well for starters, I can’t believe how one person destroyed my self-esteem and self-confidence. Why did I allow him to do this to me? How did this happen without me noticing?

[My brain] If someone blindfolded you and stabbed you with a knife, will you blame yourself for not being able to see the knife? You can’t blame yourself for what you couldn’t control. You didn’t know Esther and you need to stop being harsh on yourself. It’s not going to help you.

[Me] I just wish I stopped him from breaking me. I know I was strong, very strong indeed. I just didn’t know being strong meant losing self-confidence and self-esteem.

[My brain] Confidence and self-esteem are not always enjoyed in the same manner Esther. Sometimes you are on top of your game and you feel like indeed you are best at what you do. And sometimes it may mean being on the ground but having the courage that one day you will get up.

[Me] What do you even mean?

[My brain] Esther, I know you know what I mean. Just because you are having an evening full of anger doesn’t mean that’s how you have been feeling in the last few weeks. At the risk of sounding unfair, your periods are close-by - so stop freaking out and understand nature is taking its course. But even having said that, you are one badass chik. In July you made decisions that can only signify self-confidence, self-love and high self-esteem. You knew you were feeling like trash, but you still went ahead and gave yourself the best. As I said, feelings are experienced differently and shouldn’t be confused otherwise that’s how you end up under appreciating yourself.

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It’s now 9:54pm. I started typing this at 9:25pm.

After 3 exhausting hours of experience rage, I chose to type down the internal monologue I have been having with myself this evening. When I started typing I thought I was going to get bored in the middle of it and continue with being irritated.

But I cried.

I can’t remember the last time I cried. And I have had enough reasons to cry, but I still didn’t.

I honestly find it hard to cry when you deeply believe in God and count His blessings.

So why did I cry this evening?

Because it’s okay to cry. God created tears for a reason.

Also, I cried because I recognized how strong I have been this year. I was taking myself for granted and being angry with the one that has been there through thick and thin - ME!

I am glad my brain advised me to start writing this because it took me exactly 29 minutes to feel confident, happy, peaceful and most importantly, EXCITED!

There is a lot I want to share with you, but I will leave that for when I relaunch my blog! I will explain why I stopped blogging, how I trapped myself in my own prison and how I eventually broke out of it! Until then, any time you are feeling SO ANGRY AND FULL OF RAGE, take a piece of paper and have conversation with yourself!