Overcome Cultural Unrealistic Expectations

As we build solid relationships both in our professional and personal life, we sometimes subconsciously put ideas in our head that may not be true. Living in South Korea an extensive period of time, I have learned the Korean word ?? noon-chi. This word has three translations: subtle pressure, intuition, and mind reading.

This word is not just Korean. We can also find it in other languages.

For example:

Vietnamese =  Nh?y c?m, ?oan bi?t, nh?y bén

Chinese =  眼力见儿 (yǎnlìjiànr)

Japanese = 第六感 (Dairokkan)

What does it mean when I say the words "subtle pressure?" In many Asian cultures, it is commonly believed that you should know things without saying. This is called implicit communication, demonstrating in both body language and actions. For those of us who come from low context cultures that have more explicit communication than implicit, this notion is very difficult to understand. As time has passed with a combination of  home stay experiences and interactions with locals, I now have a better comprehension of why this is common. On the other hand, I often hear paradoxical comments from locals regarding how this style of social interaction creates confusion with each other, and not just when foreigners interact with local people.

Although I am North American and we do not have the same level of ?? (noonchi), Nh?y c?m, ?oan bi?t, nh?y bén, 眼力见儿 (yǎnlìjiànr), and 第六感 Dairokkan. I believe these issues can happen in any country. 

The root cause is

having UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS.

We often assume that people should know how other people think and feel, or what they will do. I didn't realize that we have superhuman abilities. But do we? Despite the fact that we watch television shows with superhumans, is it realistically possible to be superhuman? 

This false notion results in escalating conflicts and tension in relationships, which isn't necessary in the first place. 

WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS? 

SCENARIO CONCERN:

In some family cultures, there is the expectation that people get along just because of family ties. One of my colleagues feels pressured to follow cultural expectations to make friendly social interactions with some of her in-laws. However, she doesn’t feel very comfortable with certain people. If two people don't have much in common, we can not force a conversation and make them become best friends. Forcing conversation just creates more tension and uncomfortable feelings. 

PROPOSED PERSPECTIVE SOLUTION:

Try to find something in common to converse about even if you don't have many shared interests. All can depend on personality type, generation, personal experiences, and upbringing. There must be mutual effort in finding something interesting to talk about. 

SCENARIO CONCERN:

In some countries such as South Korea or India, there are expectations that women should have a baby at a certain age. If this is what a woman wants, then good for her. However, in some countries if a married couple doesn't have children, they are often asked by locals why they do not have children, or when they will have children. From the couple's perspective, they feel the presumptions of others who don't try to understand their point of view.

PROPOSED PERSPECTIVE SOLUTION :

Ultimately, who are we to pass judgment on a couple if they choose not to have children? It is not our place to judge. Despite the fact that we may not agree with a couple's lifestyle, we should respect their point of view and not force our opinions on them. In addition, every woman has a different life journey and body, so it's not realistic to make a plan for her life when it may not unfold the way that she originally thought. For example, some women don't want a baby at a certain time (or at all) because of career, financial pressures, pregnancy fears, parenting concerns, lifestyle, or even strong fears of passing down mental health issues. On the other hand, there are cases where women want to have a baby, but cannot because of fertility or other health issues.

SCENARIO CONCERN:

There are some employers in the world who expect their workers to improve their work performance skills but do not allow them free time to work on it. Ironically, how can they improve their work performance in the long term when they're forced to work long hours?

PROPOSED PERSPECTIVE SOLUTION :

Employers need to provide a nurturing environment that allows workers to improve their work performance in a positive way. For instance, offering special classes and workshops, and showing concern for their well-being. To produce positive and productive results, company culture should promote better attitudes.

SCENARIO CONCERN:

At the end of a hard day at work, every couple has expectations on each other. For example, despite exerting  a lot of mental energy all day, we sometimes expect that our partner will pay attention to everything that we say or do. Despite our good intentions, this can create unrealistic expectations that strain a relationship. In some countries, both partners have jobs, yet one partner is expected to do the majority of the housework. This can lead to high levels of stress for that person.

PROPOSED PERSPECTIVE SOLUTION :

The first step is to break gender role stereotypes to unite the couple. By having a shared mindset, this will lead to less resentment and positive energy in their home. For example, if a woman cooks everything in the house, then the man can clean the house (or vice versa). If one partner is better at one task, then the other partner can demonstrate shared responsibility by doing other tasks.

Another example is if one partner had a tough day at work, but the other partner wants to make conversation. It is not easy to give our full attention to our partner. Therefore, compassionate support is necessary to think in broader perspective. It would be good to kindly express to your partner, "I want to listen to you and make conversation, but I'm really tired right now. I think it would be best to talk deeply when I can give you my full attention."  

As we can see from all of these scenarios, everybody is different despite similar cultural expectations across the globe. Therefore, having unrealistic expectations leads to lacking in the ability to think objectively, which limits our ability to become a smarter species.

We become more intelligent by thinking in the WHOLE PERSPECTIVE in comparison to thinking in a narrow perspective.

It also comes down to relating and having empathy for each other's situation.