"Belonging" by Marcie Borgal Shunk

In or Out? The Subtle Ways We Communicate Belonging

?I know what it feels like to be in a room full of people who will not speak to you because of the color of your skin.

I know what it feels like to be pulled over on back roads in distant counties in states like Texas and New Hampshire and to fear for my own safety and for that of the people I love.

I know what it feels like to see the eyes of judgment upon me as I stand beside a partner of a different race.

I know what it feels like to be the only white person in a room.

Being an outsider is not only uncomfortable, it can undermine one’s confidence, security and self-worth. For me, a white woman in America, I have experienced this feeling more times than I’d like. For others, such as immigrants, impoverished groups and people of color, this feeling can be a relentless companion, a constant and daily refrain: “you don’t belong here.”

This undercurrent of exclusion is, at its core, one of the greatest threats to culture, whether societal or corporate. Culture is, by definition, predicated on a sense of safety. Organizational behaviorists agree: security precedes a willingness to share and support others which, in turn, precedes the capacity to work collaboratively towards excellence or a common goal. People who feel they do not belong do not feel safe. Belonging is a fundamental imperative to optimizing corporate culture – and, in turn, individual and organizational performance.

How Belonging Contributes to a Stronger Culture

Former MIT Sloan Professor Edgar Schein’s decades of research into organizational culture can trace its origins to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Just as an individual requires having basic needs fulfilled before elevating herself to a higher level, so too does a corporate culture. Constructive cultures, or those Ed Schein defines as cultivating self-actualization, encouraging interpersonal relationships, and striving for achievement, can only exist when members of the organization first feel psychologically and socially fulfilled.

Belonging is a basic social need. The desire to create connections with others, to feel a part of something bigger is intrinsic to who we are as humans. To achieve a sense of belonging, people often rely on what culture guru Daniel Coyle refers to as “belonging cues”.

How We Experience Belonging Cues

“Belonging cues are behaviors that create safe connections in groups,” explains Daniel Coyle in The Culture Code. The list of belonging cues is long and includes simple expressions such as eye contact, a willingness to speak to someone and body language, as well as more subtle signs such as mimicry and energy. Belonging cues from even a single individual in a group can bridge the gap between feeling excluded and connected.

Consider engaging in a simple exercise of self-reflection to internalize the power of belonging cues. First, recall a recent (or, let’s be real, not-so-recent) visit to a close family gathering or church service. Even before engaging with others, the traditions, clarity of expectation and shared history establish a sense of familiarity, a feeling of security. Consider your initial interactions with others at the event: the way people greeted you, the subjects of your conversations.

Now, let’s contemplate a different scenario, perhaps one when you visited the family of a new friend or partner, visited another country or participated in a religious ritual different from your own. In these circumstances, the expectations are often unclear, the traditions unknown, the rules of engagement vague. “Should I hug or shake hands,” “do I stand or kneel,” “how can I sing if I don’t know the words?” How do you recall the overall experience? If positive, what contributed to your sense of safety, of feeling welcome or belonging? If not, what did you feel was missing, what behaviors sent the message “you don’t belong here?”

As a college junior I attended an extended family gathering with my then-boyfriend. It was a new relationship. His family was Cuban and Colombian. As he retired to the basement to watch futbol with his father, uncles and cousins, I remained in the kitchen with the women. As they animatedly spoke to one another in Spanish – a language I had yet to learn – I felt in turn embarrassed, ignored and isolated. Not one of them spoke to me in English or, at the time, acknowledged my existence.

Many years later, divorced and with two boys in tow, I entered a Baptist church alongside my then-boyfriend and his family, aware of being the only white people in an all-black congregation. A kind older woman greeted us and invited the boys to join a group of children for snacks. Other members of the church welcomed us, engaged in conversation and even extended a few hugs. The “belonging cues” were rampant.

Ways to Create and Reinforce Belonging

There is great power in individual and collective actions to make others feel safe. Personal outreach, a willingness to accept, an effort to find and build on similarities are some of the small gestures that can enhance a feeling of safety and belonging. Conversely, small, seemingly meaningless actions and behaviors can create an environment of exclusion. A kick-off meeting where a predominantly male board dominates conversation with stories of a recent sporting event can make those with little inclination for athletics feel left out. A winter conference call where a group discusses their recent ski trips can leave lower-paid employees who cannot afford such luxuries or did not grow up with access to costly sports in the dark.

Inadvertently, and every day, people from different races, genders and backgrounds navigate discussions where they do not feel welcome or safe, where they do not see or feel the invitation to be a part of the group. Awareness is a starting point. It cannot, however, be the final step in the journey. Every individual and organization can take steps to enhance their understanding of belonging and to extend belonging cues to those around them.

A few ways to get started:

1.    Seek out uncomfortable situations

To truly understand what it means to be on the outside, put yourself in that position. Note not only the feelings, but also what factors contribute to an increased level of comfort. Adopt those habits.

2.    Engage in meaningful dialogue with people of different cultures

Anyone who has traveled knows finding commonalities and sharing differences with others can create a powerful bond and invaluable learning experience.

3.    Start young

I recognize we don’t all have this option personally, yet we can impart it on others. The earlier our exposure to the principles of respecting diversity and extending belonging, the deeper the effect.

4.    Avoid generalizations

A recent podcast on black republicans highlighted the ironic criticism many gave to others like them, also black republicans, designating them “Uncle Toms” while they themselves held true to their principles. Generalizations prevent us from learning more about the world and one another (even those with views similar to our own).

5.    Be the welcoming committee

Simple gestures such as speaking to someone, inviting them into a discussion, making eye contact or smiling can go a long way in overcoming another person’s initial feelings of discomfort and move them closer to belonging. Commit to being the person who notices and makes the effort.

6.    Be bold and educate others

A woman interviewed on this weekend’s episode of NPR’s Up First, Summer of Racial Reckoning: The System, stated “you can change legislation but you can’t change hearts and minds.” Personal stories are one of the most potent ways to influence others. Share yours, speak up and teach when you can.

Help us expand this list! Please share your stories of being bold and belonging.

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About Marcie Borgal Shunk

Marcie Borgal Shunk is President & Founder of The Tilt Institute, specializing in helping law firms create data-driven change for competitive advantage. Marcie works with leaders to shift mindsets and motivate action. She is a frequent speaker on leadership, culture and the future of law. Marcie is an ALM Legal Intelligence Fellow, a Fellow-Elect of the College of Law Practice Management and a regular contributor to The American Lawyer, The Legal Intelligencer and Thomson Reuter’s Legal Executive Institute. She is a passionate advocate for equal rights, a faculty member for Executive Institute on Inclusion and proud Harvard alum.

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