"Out" is really just "About"

October 11 has been a special day for me for 19 years. It is the day I was gifted with my youngest of two children. A tiny, perfect human who gently made his intent known in the wee hours of the morning, but waited patiently until big brother was safely on the bus to school to become more insistent, and had the courtesy to show up in the early afternoon so that we had time to go retrieve big brother from school in time for dinner. A child who was creative, loved music and animals, cooks a mean batch of pancakes, and is choosing a career path that no one in our family has done.

October 11 is a special day for others, as well. October 11 is National Coming Out Day ; a day designated to rally support and recognition for those in the LGBTQ+ community who choose to live life in the open as their true selves. A day designed to create awareness. A day for allyship to be front and center for our LGBTQ+ friends and family.

October 11, 2021 marked an even more special day. My tiny human, who is no longer tiny, celebrated 19 years on this planet quietly with a low key dinner at a local pho place with their stepfather and me. In the middle of tasty fried egg rolls and a never ending bowl of noodles, my baby unceremoniously and as matter of factly as can be announced that they were fully gender non-binary, wanted us to use the pronouns "they/them" and wanted to be called by a more gender-neutral name of their choosing.

Having been a long-time supporter of diversity, equity, inclusion and belonging, it felt natural for me to wrap my arms around my child, tell them I loved them, and get on to the business of planning our birthday shopping trip. Their stepfather leaned in too, and was an active participant in trying to find the right mix of clothes to support how my progeny wanted to show up in this world. The hardest part was practicing a new name and constantly correcting ourselves on pronouns. I joked with them; I'd spent 19 years mixing up their name with their brothers, even though I picked both names - how was I supposed to remember a new name? They rolled their eyes and laughed at me.

While I am still learning and will still have to remind myself to adjust to new names and new pronouns, I am reminded that this is my child's identity. It doesn't matter what others see or feel - it only matters what they feel and who they see in the mirror. Grouping people into categories is something that feels comfortable to us; too often those categories are very binary: rich vs. poor, educated vs. uneducated, Republican vs. Democrat, gay vs. straight, man vs. woman. What if all of human existence exists on a spectrum? Unless you are an identical twin, our DNA certainly makes each of us unique - what if all aspects of us are more unique than any category can capture?

What if we shifted our perspectives so that instead of being "out" it was just "about"?

My youngest offspring celebrated their 19th birthday by being "out" - but really, it was just a day I learned more "about" them.

Let's make "out" really just "about".