Our Stories & the Affects of Those Stories

“We all tell ourselves stories that influence us physically, emotionally and financially.” –Daryl Wizelman

In my childhood I experienced emotional and physical abuse. I was always waiting for my abuser to come into my room and yell at me and/or beat me. I would constantly be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am now 53 years old and that “story” of waiting for the other shoe to drop has permeated me in ways I find very challenging to let go of and move past. When I see an email or text from my boss my anxiety increases thinking that I have in some way let him down or failed to meet his expectations. The same is true with others in my life. This isn’t a healthy way to live.

Today as I navigate my life as a husband, father, brother, friend and leader I worry about others not being happy with me and me not doing enough to make the people I serve satisfied with my contribution to our relationship. I am a work in progress and I am committed to a happier life for me and helping anyone I can influence through what I write and my coaching/mentoring. I utilize reading books and having a business coach as ways to for me to learn about and master tools that will help me to change and improve for myself and for those around me.

Our brains are geared towards storytelling. We tell ourselves a myriad of stories that influence and drive our thoughts, feelings, behaviors and thus the results of those behaviors both positive and negative. We must find tools to help us refocus our negative story telling on the positive self-talk as opposed to the negative self-talk. If we change the narrative we can change to outcome. 

Here are some things I employ to adjust my thinking/storytelling and thus my point of view about myself;

1.  Emotional Intelligence: The practice if EI has changed every relationship in my life. I highly recommend reading Daniel Goleman’s book called Emotional Intelligence. It is by far been the most effective book in teaching me how to change how I practice my behaviors to live a more positive and successful life. The key to understanding EI is to know how what we say and do affects other people. 

2.  Understand how the past is influencing our present: What happened to us as children has a profound impact on our beliefs as adults. What defaults were cemented into us at a young age (before the age of 8) that leads us to believe a set of “fact’s” that may not be facts? When we understand WHY we think the way we do we can begin to unlock the defaults and reprogram or rewire our brains to see our reality in a more positive light. Once we see our reality in a more positive light we can practice Emotional Intelligence to raise our awareness as to when we begin to use negative self-talk and turn our thinking around to the positive.

3.  Reflection: Spending intentional time blocked out to think, write and reflect is an excellent way to change the negative self-talk some of us live with. Writing in a journal about the positive impact we make will help us to keep these positive contributions top of mind. Use the positive to flush out the negative. Answer questions daily things like;

a.  How did I contribute to the joy and happiness at work today?

b.  How did I contribute to the joy and happiness at home today?

c.   How did I contribute to my own joy and happiness today?

d.  What can I do to make more of a positive impact on the people in my life?

4.  Social Proof: We don’t spend enough time focusing on what our social experience is telling us. When we look honestly at the contribution we are making with the people in our lives can we say that we are giving more than we are taking? Are we unselfish, graceful, loving and available? Look to social proof to validate where we are in the minds, feedback and actions of others. If we answer the questions below with a “yes” we must change the negative self-talk around not being a good enough person. Some of the questions to answer here include;

a.  How healthy are the relationships we have with our spouse, children, friends, family and co-workers?

b.  Are we a source of inspiration for the people in our lives?

c.   Are we someone people come to for advice and for an ear to listen?

d.  Are we a good friend?

e.  Are we a good listener?

5.  Give 100% effort to everyone & everything that is important: “Give your best to your best” is a quote I utilize to remind myself that I must give my best to the key people in my life. When I give my best I can look in the mirror and tell myself a positive story about who I am in that relationship and the contribution I am giving. The more I give the better I feel about myself (selfish) and the more I benefit the other person in the relationship (selfless).

6.  Let go of what isn’t needed: What stories have we told ourselves that we must let go of? Examples include; I’m not smart enough, I’m not talented enough, I’m not attractive enough, I don’t work hard enough etc. We may not be “the best” at any one thing but we can be very good at a lot of things. When we practice improving in the key areas of our lives we get to a place where we feel very good about being proficient in a series of areas.

“Self-talk reflects who we are defaulted to be but we can change the messaging we tell ourselves.” –Daryl Wizelman