Our September Newsletter: Loss of an Ex ??

?"In the end, we all become stories" - Margaret Atwood

How should we handle the mourning process for a former partner's death??

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Learning about an ex's passing can evoke feelings of sadness, anger, and confusion. The intensity of your grief may vary depending on the nature of your relationship. The news can be particularly difficult to process if you remain friends or share children. Adding a new spouse or partner into the equation can make things even more complex.

How can we respectfully bid farewell to those with whom we built a life and perhaps had children; partners with whom we shared mutual friends, created memories, and lived life together? Even if the love faded by the end of the relationship, does that mean we no longer have?feelings for them? Affection doesn’t always vanish with the ending of a relationship.

The passing of a “less-than-loved-one” often feels like a double loss. First, they passed away, leaving us with the natural grief associated with any death. But second, the chance of mending the pain of a broken relationship has also vanished. We all hope for happy endings, but often death extinguishes that hope. It is always easier to "make amends" when people are alive. ?

So this “double loss” now raises numerous questions about what is appropriate in terms of actions and decisions that must be made: ?

Should you attend the funeral of an ex?

What will be the reaction of the current partner or spouse, or the ex-in-laws??If they do not want us to attend, do we do so anyway out of respect and our need to say goodbye? Or do we stay home? How should we act toward former in-laws?

What do we say to our kids, especially if they are shared between their parents?

Do we talk to our former mutual friends, or just ignore them?

These are new questions for many. Several topics deserve to be identified.? 1. It probably Hurts More ?

While some might jokingly claim they would LOVE to attend an ex's funeral, it is never that straightforward. Even in the most tumultuous, most damaging divorces and breakups, there can still be lingering feelings for the person who once shared your life. These emotions don’t disappear; it’s just that you’re no longer allowed to discuss them.

One predisposing factor is complicated grief, where a relationship with the deceased is notably angry or ambivalent. These emotions often characterize post-divorce relationships. Yes, a person may profess they can’t stand their ex-spouse but when a former spouse or partner passes away, someone will mourn the loss. There will still be emotions and a sense of loss if they die before you.

Additionally, amidst grieving the death of an ex, one may also mourn the loss of the relationship as they wished it could have been. This often forces the person to relive the negative and challenging experiences of the divorce and the unhappiness that led to it. Some experts suggest that the loss of an ex can sometimes be even more painful. 2. The Family Doesn't Know What To Do With You?

When a family considers whom to inform and consult about a person's death, they rarely think of the divorced spouse or the ex. People often assume that when the marriage ended, so did the connection.

So, what should be done about divorced spouses or ex’s? Should you invite them to view the deceased? Should they be included in the visitation room? Do they sit with the family? Should you invite them for a meal after the service? When families are preoccupied with their own grief after losing a loved one, they rarely have the capacity to focus on others' feelings.

As a result, the grief over an ex-relationship is often overlooked. The person may have no input or involvement in the proceedings and may even feel unwelcome and insignificant. ?

3. The Community May Not Necessarily Help?

When the spouse of a friend passes away, we know what to do. We call, send flowers or a card, visit, and bring a casserole.

However, when there's an ex-spouse/partner involved, the first issue is that we often don’t even consider them. It doesn’t occur to us that they might be grieving or still have feelings for the deceased.

The second issue is that we generally don’t know what to do. Should we call? Should we try to comfort the ex-spouse/partner? Will they be offended that we thought they might still care and be grieving?

In our confusion, we do what humans naturally do when unsure: we do nothing. The primary complaint from ex’s after the death of their former husband, wife, fiance or partner is that they went through it alone. No calls, no flowers, no cards, no visits, no casseroles. Just pain and loneliness. And anger. And regret. And more pain. ?

4. So, What Can You Do??

Remember, there was a relationship. It may not have been perfectly happy or ideal, but it was a relationship. Reflect on that relationship, validate it, and acknowledge both the positive aspects and the forgettable ones.

Encourage dialogue with others. Don’t assume the other person isn’t grieving—they probably are. Talk to them, and let them know they don’t have to cope alone. Perhaps a support group with people who allow open expression of feelings could provide solace. Remember, many people mourning the loss of an ex don’t have “perfect” stories.

Some of the unresolved issues from the divorce or the breakup, along with any emotions or regrets, might be best addressed and reconciled with a counselor. Investing in that process could prevent a lifetime of second-guessing and regret.

5. If You?Attend The Service

Facing your ex's family one final time may be emotionally challenging, but attending the funeral can be an important step in finding closure. There will only be one chance to pay your respects and say your goodbyes, and you may later regret not taking the opportunity to attend the service.

If you choose to attend, keep in mind the following etiquette guidelines:

• Appropriateness: Consider whether your presence might cause discomfort or stir up emotions within the family. If you're not closely connected to the family anymore, it’s appropriate to sit towards the back, away from the immediate family section. If you share young children, it’s acceptable to sit at the front with them in the family section. If there is significant tension between you and the family, you might ask a family member to sit up front with your child instead.
• Be Gracious: The service is not about you. Avoid making any negative comments or displaying disapproval, as this can add to the family's stress during an already difficult time. Keep your presence and interactions brief and respectful.
• Exit Quietly: If you weren’t particularly close with your ex or their family, try to make your presence as unobtrusive as possible. Pay your respects quietly and consider leaving the service promptly.
• Consider Staying Home: If there is strong animosity between you and your ex’s family?and you no longer have a place in their lives, it might be best to stay home. Your presence could add to the family’s grief.

Considerations When You Share Children

If you have children together:

• For Young Children: If they are young and require your presence at the funeral, it’s advisable to communicate with the family to ensure your attendance is appropriate.
• For Adult Children: If your children are adults, they can attend independently without you, especially if your relationship with your ex-partner’s family is distant or strained.
• For Tween or Teen Children: Tweens and teens can typically attend on their own, depending on their maturity and comfort level. However, if you decide to accompany them, it’s best to check with a family member first.

Remember that children are mourning the loss of a parent. Additionally, responsibilities in the relationship with the children may have shifted. It will take time for the entire family to adjust to the new dynamics of life without the ex; support through that transition will be beneficial. ?

When reflecting on your ex after their passing, try to focus on their positive attributes as you bid your final farewell. They played an important role in your life at one point. By honoring their memory, you also honor the choices that led you to include them in your life. ?

Excerpts Dr. Bill Webster from the Centre for the Grief Journey and writer Gabrielle Applebury, LMFT, and Dr. Alejandra Vasquez, JD, CT, Certified Grief Counselor

TESTIMONIALS??

Testimonials mirror the quality of our services, and we are delighted to share that they are gleaming with satisfaction. The sincere and touching words shared by the families we’ve had the honour to serve mean everything to us.

In The Community?

We're thrilled to have sponsored the Hockey Against Hate event, where people from diverse backgrounds across the Ottawa community came together for a day of unity and sportsmanship. Not only was it an amazing day filled with hockey and camaraderie, but the event also raised an incredible $90,000 for future bridge-building projects.(L-R: Rabbi Idan Scher and our Chief Operating Officer Patrick McGarry, MBA )

Farewell Lesley

On August 18th we had the privilege of hosting a remarkable retirement celebration for our esteemed colleague, Lesley Provost.?As part of the event, we also retired her cherished chair—a symbol of her unwavering dedication and 35 years of service. This chair, like her contributions, will forever hold a special place in our hearts.