Are our phones making us lonely?

When we’re talking about loneliness one of the first things we often blame is social media, but is technology making things worse or better? Our final episode of We Are Lonely Season Three focusses on this question.

We didn't know the answer, so we asked an expert.

"It's a mixed bag."

"Social media and quality relations is like processed food. The quality is worse, however, it's better than nothing."

Daniel Surkalim is a research fellow at University of Sydney and a health consultant for World Health Organization Office at the EU and he spoke with We Are Lonely host, Ali Walker

We know that phones can come between us and our friends, but it also connects people and in some situations, save lives.

"Social media does have its positives - for marginalised communities, for those who are physically incapable of leaving their house, and those who are unable to kind of reach out to their friends, because they're rural, or they live far away, social media provides a platform for them to communicate.

"And that is really important, because that promotes a general kind of health, in terms of both social health but mental and physical well being as well as just because we know that loneliness drives mental and social, physical health conditions."

How do we know when social media and our phones are good for us, and when are they a problem?

"I'm a big advocate of listening to your own body, because I think you know your own body well, especially with something like loneliness and connection where it's so subjective.

"We know that loneliness is connected to anxiety, it's connected to depression. So if you're feeling like scrolling is making you anxious, that is a sign from your body to kind of take a step back a little bit.

"We also know that loneliness can be perpetuated by a lack of sleep, if you're tired all the time. And you're not getting enough sleep, because you're scrolling, that is also a sign from your body to say, 'Hey, your physical health is being affected now', so take a step back from it."

He says we need to pay attention and not be mindless with our use of technology

"How often are using it? What are you using it for? What are you consuming? How are you feeling throughout the process? How are you feeling after it?"

Along with learning the skills to listen to our body, we have to be aware that these apps are built to pull us in.

"You've got to be wary of how social media plays kind of tricks on the way that it works. Social media has persuasive features, like push notifications, like auto scroll, like your bell notifications. Or by comparing, how many likes you have, just be wary that all of these things are drawing you back in."

He suggests taking control of your social media where you can, like by turning notifications off on your phone.

"Just think of how many times you're sitting and you're talking to a friend, and then your phone goes off, and your eyes automatically go to check, you know what it is?

"So kind of just being aware of that. Can you mute some chats? Can you mute some apps? And just being wary of the type of content that you're consuming. If it's all content that's making you feel worse at the end of it, maybe it's time to kind of put it down or change the algorithm slowly."

How are phones impacting our face to face communication?

Daniel says the impact of phones on our conversations is also something we need to assess ourselves, and learn to manage.

"What are you expecting of this person? And what are you expecting of this interaction, if you are going there, just to kind of meet someone for the sake of meeting someone, you don't expect meaningful conversation, you just there to kind of be around a person, probably less impactful.

"But if you're going there, because you want to talk to someone, you want to connect to someone and you hear those constant pings, and they're constantly looking at their phone, that expectation that you have is not being met. And that's where the quality kind of impacts it."

"Loneliness is this mismatch between what you expect your relationships to be or how many relationships you want, and your actual level of relationships.

"So if, if you're not having those needs met to map, then you're going to be disappointed. And that's when loneliness kind of thrives, that's where it arises."

That's when we need to speak with our friend, ask them if they can silence their phone, talk about what you want. Because it will change situation by situation, and we're all learning how to manage it together.

Are there some clear guidelines?

Daniel says while we would like to have parameters, like we do with sleep or exercise, our use of phones is too complicated for simple limits.

"It's very easy to say, limit social media, like have one hour a day and that's it. But then, you see that people go okay, I'll do one hour a day and then the next day it becomes an hour and a half and then becomes too and it just it's not sustainable.

"Social media is useful, far more people think. Think about now how much you communicate through social media. We use Facebook Messenger or you DM someone. These social media apps have a lot of functionality associated with it. So to be fully well, I don't want to use social media, that's hard."

And when we think about our use, is it really that different to 'wasting time' doing something else? If we are aware of why we're using and what we're getting out of it, can we minimise the risks?

"What am I aiming to get out of using social media? Am I getting it through this? Because, you know, it's a pastime it is a passion, like, you can't fault someone for kind of watching a movie or like a rugby match."

Like watching sport, it does come with spikes and impacts on our brain. So we need to be conscious of that.

"For the younger population, their their limbic system is kind of set up to be very responsive to rewards. So that idea of kind of gamification, it does inherently produce kind of the spike. But again, just being aware of how you're using it.

"Knitting can be meditative. If someone is sitting there knitting for 10 hours a day and not moving from their one spot, that becomes an issue in itself."

Day to day, incidental connection matters too

While we do want to ensure that our phones aren't blocking our connections to our close friends, it's also important that we allow ourselves to connect with the people on the street.

"It's worth being aware of those little micro kind of conversations and interactions because they play a large part in how we develop this idea of social well being and social connection.

"Those incidental conversations, those water cooler talks, you get to meet up and talk with people that you would not connect with on social media."

A lot of us would like to have a clear answer on this: Is social media making us lonely and what should we do? But at the end of the day, it’s really up to you to work out your own strategies. Listen to your body.?How does your time on phones make you feel??Pay attention to that and respect it.

These are skills we all need to develop, and then we need to teach them to our kids.