Our personal drivers in life, how they can play out and permissions

This article is based on systemic transactional analysis (Eric Berne).

My previous article "Introduction to personal drivers" outlined the different drivers that we have "Be perfect, Be strong, Try hard, Please others, Hurry up!" These help us navigate in our lives and have led us to where we are today but often get traded unnoticeably from our ancestors. We all have various drivers, the differentiator is the amount and extent of which they impact our lives.

This article shall deepen the insights around them, including how they can play out in a positive but also challenging way, and, if we like, what we can do to potentially reduce them. Behaviours resulting from drivers, are often displayed within a second. Let's take a closer look into them.

Be perfect: “I am only okay, if I always give 100% and do not make mistakes."

If you have the “be perfect” driver, you might feel you are only good and worth if your work is excellent from the start to the end. Looking at the communication styles, you might often use words and phrases like “as I said”, “as we have seen”, “certainly” or use numbers or letters to structure your speaking points and might accompany the speaking points with hand movements. It could be that your body posture is often upright and facial expressions tense. Frustration might occur to yourself or a team if a project has been successfully delivered but if you focus on minor points that could have been done better. If you like, give yourself the allowance to be imperfect.

Be strong: “I am only okay if I don’t show emotions and never cry.”

If you have the driver “be strong” you might not allow yourself to show emotions and vulnerability. Without imposing stereotypes, women and men can have this driver, but due to societal expectations, it is likely that men have this driver to a higher extent. In regards to the communication, you might struggle to show your true feelings and use phrases like, e.g. “this bores me”. In addition, you could tend to avoid words like “I” and use words like “one”, “you, “people”, instead. It is likely that your tone is often monotonous, gestures and facial expressions limited and the posture closed. Challenges might occur if either your body is showing pain, e.g. in the shoulder area or if your surrounding would like to speak about emotions. If you like, allow yourself to show weakness.

Try hard: “I am only okay if I try my best, nothing good is achieved in an easy way."

If you have this driver, you might feel that nothing is worth it if it comes to you naturally and on an easy way. You might use often interrogative vocalisations such as “what is that again" and "it is hard to". Looking at your posture and expression, it is likely that you tend to tense up throat muscles and lean forward. Frustration might occur if you cannot acknowledge good work by yourself or others if not much hard work was put in. If you like, allow your success and happiness to come with easiness.

Please: “I am only okay if other like me.”

If you feel like people only love and appreciate you if you please them and do everything to make them happy, then you are likely to have this driver. You might often use words like “sort of”, “kind of” or querying words like “okay”, “hm”. Furthermore, you potentially tend to use your hands often with palm up, look straight at the other person and smile and nod a lot. Frustration can occur if you forget your own barriers and believe the others needs are more important than your ones. In the work and personal environment, watch-out that people are not taking advantage of you. If you like, tell yourself “I am worth”. 

Hurry up: “I am only okay if I manage everything at the same time.”

Are you often running late and feel like everything is last minute? Then you might be driven by "hurry up". It is likely that you speak very fast and rush the words. Furthermore, you might tend to tip with finger or foot and have rapid changes in your facial expressions. Before you leave a place, you might all of the sudden think of various actions that you can do before, which is likely to cause a delay. Challenges can occur in terms of the appreciation of yours and others time. If you like, allow yourself to take time.

All in all, if you like, allow yourself to be proud of yourself and to take care of yourself and your needs. Appreciate the drivers that you have and challenge them if you want and need for your mental health. Always remember that your or other people's perception of a behaviour or action is subjective, depending on our own personal drivers.