Our parents messed up (trigger alert)

Let’s face it our parents messed up. So did their parents. And now we are messing up too!

This post is not a criticism and is not about blame or shame, however it is stating something that is often unsaid and avoided.

I’m also not saying that our parents didn’t do things right and didn’t try their best within their circumstances. What I am saying is if we avoid talking about the parts that were not okay, then the intergenerational patterns that do harm will continue.

Perhaps set an intention before reading this to try and not get defensive and view this piece as something that intends to contribute to the wellbeing of the next generations.

There are a number principles and family values that have existed for many generations that I believe can cause harm and will continue to cause harm if we don’t acknowledge this.

Some of these include:

·????????Discouraging children from expressing all their emotions. Some emotions are okay and others are not, such as anger.

·????????Certain wellbeing conditions, such as mental health struggles, have been avoided, frowned upon, dismissed and even hidden.

·????????The archaic notion that children should be seen and not heard was quite prevalent a generation or two back, and surprisingly perpetuates today. Included in this, is children not being allowed to “talk back” or “back chat.

·????????Gender identification exploration and openness has largely been discouraged up to more recently.

·????????Children have not always been encouraged to be open minded and explore across cultures, classes, religion and language. In fact, often children have been taught to separate and judge “out-groups”.

·????????For many families, keeping up pretenses about prosperity or achievement has been given priority above individual and family wellbeing.

·????????This often directly translated into parents wanting achievement, academically or on the sports field at all costs. There has been, and still is, a perception and strong message that achievement would be the “ticket to success” and therefore happiness.

·????????Parents assuming that they can behave badly in front of their children (alcohol abuse, domestic violence, road rage, racism … etc) without this affecting their children’s wellbeing or assuming that this behaviour won’t be copied. The “do as I as say and not as I do” principle. This simply does not work in a parent child relationship.

·????????And the list goes on.

Perhaps, you are already feeling twinges of defensiveness or are saying to yourself “I don’t see an issue with some of these principles and values.” So, let’s discuss some of the consequences.

Many of the above values or family dynamics can result in children learning that there are parts of them that don’t align or are not going to be rewarded and therefore in order to be accepted they only reveal the acceptable characteristics, traits and emotions. In the developing years this can instill a deep conditioning that suggests to them that their true self and their whole self is not okay .. not good … actually bad. They are likely to spend their entire lives, even in adulthood, trying to develop and broadcast the acceptable parts and disowning the “bad” parts in order to be loved by their parents and society. In the long run this lack of wholeness can cause significant psychological suffering.

Often parents, mistake their children’s success academically, culturally or on the sports field as an indication that they are okay .. they are doing well … they must be happy. But this is not always true!! And we are only talking about the children who do achieve. There are many children that are fully aware of the expectations … the needs of parents and the world, but don’t have the ability to meet these standards of recognition. What happens to them? They too will try to suppress the “unwanted” traits and behaviour but have the additional pain of watching others get rewarded and even worshipped for their success. Many of these kids quickly become perceived and labelled as “troubled”, for absolutely no fault of their own.

But even the ones who do perform, many of them may also be feeling unworthy or inadequate, despite what it looks like on the outside, primarily because of the need to force themselves to be someone that they are not. This continuous pressure to perform and the inner conflict, even if subconscious, is not sustainable for a young developing human being. Sometimes the cracks only reveal themselves when they are adults, and sometimes earlier. The teenage suicide rates are really scary.

I have been on the sidelines at sports events witnessing parents putting enormous pressure on their children. Even openly showing disappointment of their children’s performance or mistakes. Why would this be? Is this perhaps us as parents wanting recognition from others via our children’s performance? Are we trying to live out our achiever fantasies through our children?

Let us consider siblings for a moment. It is hard not to notice that look in the eyes of the sibling that is not an “achiever”, particularly when the recognition for the siblings that are achievers is so loud. It is hard not to notice the parents favouring their achiever children, even if this is vehemently denied.

Achievement does not equal happiness. There may be an illusion of happiness that is temporary during the moment when success is experienced, however in the long run if our children have suppressed parts of themselves, achievement won’t be enough to sustain happiness. Whereas, if wholeness and embracing all of who we are as children is encouraged and if children are taught that empathy and love for all is an important value, happiness can almost be guaranteed.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t encourage whole-hearted participation and I’m not saying that we shouldn’t allow our children to explore their talents. What I am saying is ..”Don’t let achievement be at the price of their mental wellbeing”. We don’t know exactly what is going on inside our children at any given moment, therefore pushing them could be causing harm which is not visible.

If you were a driven … or pushed child, try to take your mind back to a time when you felt alone in this world of achievement or perhaps felt not good enough despite your achievements.

Within the families where all emotions are not equally encouraged and where children are expected to mostly be seen and not heard, particularly when in the public eye, this is a dangerous situation that can result in their personal space being violated and there is a risk of unnoticed abuse taking place.

As a human species we have a natural instinct to connect with and look out for others. Households and families where in-group and out-group principles and values were prevalent, would have resulted in the children not easily reaching out across cultural lines. This is likely to have caused inner conflict within the developing mind of these children, which can sit heavily in the body. Instilling discrimination, hatred and racism is hugely damaging to our children and passing this down from generation to generation in my mind is one of the biggest risks to the world as a whole.

Let’s assume that most parents simply want their children to have a good job, a nice home and live comfortably because they believe this will translate into happiness. I can appreciate that the intent could be genuine. However, all of these things become totally meaningless if the children become conditioned adults who don’t even recognize their true selves and constantly feel like they are chasing an elusive finish line of success that is always drifting further away. During this pursuit of success and happiness, they may have developed mental health issues such as anxiety and depression and could be using maladaptive mechanisms, such as substance abuse or co-dependent tendencies in order to “survive” without revealing their pain.

So, what’s the message?

The message is that we need to start to acknowledge that our parents messed up, that their parents messed up and that we are messing up. Again, not for the purpose of shaming and blaming, but rather because we need to create space to talk about these principles and family values that can do harm. The more we talk about it, the more our children will start to believe that they too can talk about what they are suppressing.

If we as adults start to talk about how our parents messed up, we will start to heal from these conditioning values and perhaps we still have time to explore our true selves. Wouldn’t that be a blessing.

But the most important message is that we need to adjust, change and get rid of these destructive values. We need swap them for values that prioritise mental health above achievement. We also need to encourage expression of all emotion and be there as their safety net for these emotions rather than be ashamed by them, because we as parents worry about what our parents, the extended family, the school and society will think.

We need to paint a picture throughout their developing years that depicts success as a warm, loving and generous heart, rather than acquiring material possessions.

Intergenerational damage and trauma will continue indefinitely unless we stop it.

Let’s be the parents that messed up a little less, so that our children mess up even less when they are parents.