Our Most Powerful Lessons Come From Our Most Painful Experiences

Without a doubt, I can say that the greatest influence on my leadership ability came from my own experiences with others. Not only does this go for the great mentors and leaders who have shown me the way, but also not-so-good leaders who taught me painful and valuable lessons.

More and more research is demonstrating the importance of emotional intelligence (EI) in a leader:?“Many studies have shown a direct negative impact of bad leaders on employee morale and retention, as well as productivity.”?For me, this came in the form of leaders who silenced my voice and made me feel “less than.” It also came in the form of leaders who?refused to work with me, intentionally ignored me in meetings, or who wanted to change me to be in the image they wanted. It came in the form of morally corrupt leaders--I once worked with a leader who was stealing from the company, and I quit because I could not deal with the toxic environment that leader had created.?

I remember a leader asking me to stifle my boisterous laugh so that I could appear more “professional.” This is just one of many?microaggressions?many of us experience in the workplace. But through these experiences, I learned a powerful lesson on life and leadership.

First, I realized the importance of being my true, raw self in and out of the office. Second, I realized that if I ever stepped into a leadership role, I could only lead from a place of authenticity.?As Daniel Colombo notes, “Authenticity is the glue that binds people together.”

Looking back, I can gladly say that I also had numerous positive experiences with leaders. There were those who embraced who I am and who taught me to focus on my strengths. There were those who reminded me why I was hired and that I did not need to be great at everything. There were leaders who told me to stop spending time with the people who would never embrace my perspective but instead focus on those who were already there with me. And, there were those who openly embraced my boisterous laugh.

Now, I refuse to be stifled or put into a box where I do not fit. I intentionally choose the leaders who I will work with. For me, this is closely tied with integrity, which is defined in the?Oxford English Dictionary?as “the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.”

Throughout my life, I’ve encountered many great leaders who acted with integrity. Honestly, I’ve had more experiences with great leaders than “not great” ones.

However, I keep coming back to those “not great” ones because those were the ones who shaped me by showing me exactly how I did not want to be. I guess I should thank them.?Maybe not.