Our Father's flaws are a well in which we discover our greatest potential.

Our Father's flaws are a well in which we discover our greatest potential.

I recently told my Dad that he was a perfect Father. He laughed and disregarded it. But I told him again that he was the perfect father for me. I told him everything he did and didn't do was perfect and exactly how it was supposed to be, evidenced by my life today, the best parts, and the most significant challenges.

Does that mean he was actually a perfect man and father? Well, of course not because he's human. We sometimes forget that our parents are humans just like us, with their issues, demons, dreams, fears, and traumas.?

Our fathers were, in a way, the fathers we each need. Their gifts and flaws provide us with our hero's journey that we must move through to discover who we are, and so we can live our most powerful and purposeful lives. And this isn't always nice or fun or how many of us would want it.

I was crying when I shared this with him. As I cried, his solid yet weathered eighty-two-year-old eyes started to well up, and he began to cry. There are times I can see the pain in his eyes, all the things unsaid, the life not lived, the achievements not achieved, and the mistakes he regrets. This was one of those moments. He tried to hold back the tears and laugh it off, but the love in the moment was too much. The gratitude I was showering him with was overdue and needed to be done more.

Was my Dad the perfect father? One could argue and find evidence why he wasn't; one could argue and prove that he did a great job. But what I see as one of his children was he was exactly who he needed to be for me to become the man I am today and the man I am becoming.?

I recognize that my Dad taught me how I wanted to be a man, but his most important lessons came from his flaws or failures. He taught me lessons about how I don't want to be a man, husband, Father, and leader. And that may sound harsh, but we often learn more from our failures and mistakes than our accomplishments. But that's easy to say when it's about ourselves and a goal. But when it's about our fathers or parents, we aren't as likely to admit this truth.?

His strengths and weakness, best moments and worst, achievements and failures were all valuable and helped me become the man I am. But his worst moments, biggest mistakes, and challenges are only available to me as lessons if I can forgive him for his humanity and reflect on how those mistakes were gifts in disguise.

I notice that many men either put their dads on a pedestal or in a dumpster. But no Father is only a hero or a villain. Every father is first a human with unique challenges, goals, traumas, dreams, and shadow before they are Father. Not every Dad was ready to be a Dad; even those who were ready had no real idea what they were getting into.?

I believe we got the father we got because that man, hero, villain, or something in between gave us the best opportunity to reach our most tremendous potential. They were the person that would create the gap that we could one day leap over. I also believe change and evolution are the only sure thing and natural occurrences in this life, and our responsibility is to improve on what came before us.?

If our fathers were flawless, they wouldn't be human, we could only get worse, and there would be no space for us to evolve and improve. Their flaws, missteps, and failures set the stage for our most extraordinary possibilities. Through their fears, we can become stronger. Through their absence, we can be more present. Through their violence, we can become more peaceful. Through their anger, we can be more loving. Through their coldness, we can bring more warmth. Through their silence, we can discover our voices. Through their sadness, we can find our joy. Through their love and commitment, we can understand devotion.

Our dads, however they were and weren't, are a compass that guides us; no direction is better than the other, but only away from or towards the man, fathers, partners, and leaders we want to become. They were our first teachers about what it means or doesn't mean to be a man, and they likely left the harshest scars or the most profound imprints of love. And what you do with those scars or with that love is now your choice.?

Want to shift the relationship you have with your father? Want to expand, grow, change, or honor it. Join us in Utah June 7-11 at the Alchemy of Men Retreat. Spaces are still available, and partial and full scholarships are available for men courageous enough to ask for support.