Our Childrens' Careers (Part 1): How Involved Should We Get?

Ever since high school I can remember being enthralled with how many professional options are out there - including law, law enforcement, military, politics, journalism, medicine, accounting - and realized there was no way I could pursue all of them. But lately I find myself increasingly thinking more about what my children’s professional future will look like than my own. With nine kids, several of whom are approaching high school and college age, the question regularly crosses my mind about whether and how much I should help them navigate their own professional lives.

Through no fault of their own, my Long Island-based parents were not much help to me. Had I wanted a career in mental health or education, my father (a psychologist and professor with PhD and MD degrees) and mother (a social worker for the Catholic Church with an MSW) would have been thrilled to guide me along the way. But when it came to my own big-city interests – law, accounting, government/military service – my family lacked any experience. Coming out of high school I had no idea how to select a college, what to major in, which internships were worthwhile, and how to find my first job. I relied mostly on my interest in government, my own developed academic contacts, and my reading of Tom Clancy novels to guide my path, which through a combination of hard work and luck has thankfully worked out.

So now I struggle with a parents’ dilemma – do I use my experience and contacts to help with my own kids’ careers? Or, knowing that the journey can be just as important as the destination, do I leave them to forge their own path?

Navigating Higher Education

One piece of advice my parents conveyed was that in today’s economy an undergraduate degree was a bare minimum to succeed. Coming out of high school with that mindset, the frequent guidance I received was that it was graduate school that matters, so the brand, ranking, and specialty of my undergraduate choice was not important. So with that, I attended the local state university, commuted from home to save money, and plowed through it in just three years. I figured since I was going to law school afterward, the faster and cheaper I could get through college, the better.

Looking back now I am not sure I would repeat that decision. While a renowned school for science and medicine, Stony Brook University did not open any doors in business or law. And while I have plugged into alumni networks, the sad truth is that I do not have a single close friend from my college years. As a largely commuter school, my university campus was so spread out and classes were so large, even within my major it was possible to meet someone in one course and never see them in another. Not only did I not build any strong social bonds, I did not get the on-campus dormitory experience that seems like such a memorable part of college. Was my experience cost- and time-efficient? Sure. But when I see people with friendships and professional contacts stemming from their college days, I do feel I missed out on something meaningful.

With that said, my plan is to expose my kids to as many models of the college experience as possible. With my oldest entering her junior year of high school next year, my plan is to bring her and her next two oldest siblings to visit an array of college models, from large Catholic universities to small non-denominational schools, from private to public schools, even community colleges and trade schools. I do not believe that everyone’s path is to go straight to college, nor is college for everyone. There is no shame in taking time after high school to work or engage in public, volunteer, religious or military service, and there are career paths outside of college altogether.

So while I will share with my kids my own takeaways, I really want each of them to make an educated decision based on the size, culture, and academic specialties these range of schools have to offer.

Paying for College

Then of course there is the critical question of how to pay for it all. For those parents with the means to fund their childrens’ education, I’m sure it is great to be able to simply cut a check. But for the rest of us, advising our children on a shared plan to pay for their education may be the most important discussion of all. I know parents who literally mortgaged their home to pay for their children to attend elite universities, and of course we know about students who borrowed massive student loans that will take decades to repay.

Call me old school, but I believe my first responsibility is to ensure my wife and I are financially secure as we approach retirement. I think a serious sit-down must be had with each child about the realities of paying for college, and that it should be a shared burden. If top grades, varsity sports, and other scholarship programs such as ROTC or the GI Bill (more on military service in my next article) can be coupled with realistic loan debt and parent contributions, that seems to me the right combination. If a student does not come with credentials that will bring the cost down, then state school or another affordable option will be their likely path.

There is also the question of what “premium” a school is worth paying for. In my experience in the Wall Street business world, attending an Ivy League or other elite school is almost a necessity to be hired out of college by a top investment bank, consulting firm, hedge fund or brokerage house. I would say the same applies for law schools and top law firms. It makes sense because those types of jobs will pay enough that even high amounts of loan debt will be manageable. But if one’s path is to be a teacher, journalist, public sector employee, or other profession of more modest means, it makes no sense to have a gold-plated resume alongside a mountain of debt. There are a wide range of schools which may not carry a premier name, but will deliver an outstanding education for a fraction of the price.

Managing their Career Path

Then of course there is the ultimate question – how much do you push your childs’ career in any one direction? I’m a practical guy, so my gut reaction is to major and specialize in a tried and true profession like medicine or law or accounting, something that will always be needed and can even become a solo practice if necessary. If my kids have an interest in something less monetizeable like history or foreign language or fine arts, my instinct is to tell them those are great minors. However, I realize my view is not always right and that kids should be free to follow their passions. I would, however, stress on them to do so with a clear-eyed understanding of what their likely job and earning prospects will be. Again, this is where our experience and common sense as parents will be critical in helping our kids avoid futures in which becoming financially independent will be a long-term burden.

And there is the question of how much direct help to lend. I could reach out to plenty of contacts in the legal, business, and government realms to help secure internships or jobs for my kids. But should I? Just because my parents could not help me, is it right that I force my kids to do it all themselves? Where I’m coming down is that it is perfectly reasonable to make introductions or flag their resumes to someone I know, but that is as far as it should go. I do not believe in calling in favors and certainly not pressuring someone to hire my child. I feel like that not only is unfair, but it skews the system in a way that will only burn bridges and teach them the wrong lesson about earning their own keep in the world.

I do not claim to know the answers to all these questions, but I am certain many colleagues and fellow parents wrestle with these same issues. So if you have any thoughts on this – or perhaps have already been through it with your own children – please share. At this point in my career, I am coming around to the view that the most important thing I can do is to help set up our next generation for success.

This article contains my personal views and does not constitute legal advice. For more information feel free to message me directly via LinkedIn or X (@JosephMoreno).