OUCH - irritating English - number 2

Young adult literacy

 In recent years, the OECD tells us, literacy standards among young adults in the UK have plummeted. When the last O-level papers were about to be marked, in 1987, the London Board’s Chief Examiner reminded us his colleagues that candidates who passed the examination, mostly sixteen year-olds, should be capable of taking a set of notes from a solicitor and turning them into a clear, accurate letter. This examination was the predecessor of our current GCSE examinations.

This letter recently came my way. It was written by a university undergraduate, not a sixteen year-old. He was studying journalism as part of his weekend employment in an estate agent’s office. In a piece of only eighty words there are eleven shortcomings which I would certainly have noted as an examiner for the International Baccalaureate. My responses to these shortcomings follow below.

The shortcomings are italicised.

As I am sure you are aware, the landlords of 1 Empire Court is looking to sell the property.

They have arranged for us to come round and do a valuation and we were wondering whether 5pm on Wednesday 13th November is convenient for you?

The visit would take roughly 1 hour and if you have any questions, please do not hesitate to give us a call.

Please get back to us as soon as you can to confirm the appointment.

Here are my comments.

a. The writer knew that the tenant was aware of this and so the words are redundant. Better to write a word of introduction so that it is clear from whom the message has been sent.

b…..for us to come round. This form of words is fine in an informal or conversational sense. In a conversation someone could ask how many of them were going to turn up. In a formal or business letter matters need to be much clearer.

c. Two things here: the landlords are looking to sell - minor uncertainty here - but four words are used here when two would suffice.

d. They, the landlords, have not made an arrangement. They have instructed the agent to value the property. They have not arranged a visit by the estate agent to value the property; the estate agent is to do this.

e. The word is here suggests that the arrangement has been made, which it has not. The agent should ask whether an appointment at 5pm on Wednesday 13th November would be convenient.

f. The digit, 1, here is a numerical symbol inserted among a system of letters which echo the sounds of speech, the basis of language, rather than a reminder of a mathematical concept. A minor point.

g. and here joins a statement of fact to an invitation to contact the agency and so the different purposes of the two sentences are not clearly separated.

h. More unnecessary words to slow down the reader. Why not call us?

i. It’s sounding bossy here and more words are wasted: get back to us.

j. There is no appointment until the time and date have been agreed by both parties.

k Finally, I find the tone is inappropriate for the writer instructs the tenant rather than invite him to engage with the writer’s purpose, to make an appointment to value the apartment.

A discussion of a piece of writing such as this one can seem very long-winded when it is not part of a fast-moving dialogue in a classroom. I have tried to be thorough in my fault-finding so that you can see how I have arrived at an improved version. Will this do?

We have been instructed by the landlords of 1 Empire Court to sell the property.

A visit is necessary for a representative to value the property. Would 5pm on Wednesday 13th November be convenient? The visit would take approximately one hour.

We would appreciate your contacting us at your earliest convenience.

(51 words rather than 81)

Should I now contact the trainee journalist with an offer of help?