Others' perception: from perfection to progress

At the Burnout Bingo! Competing Priorities event, a couple weeks ago, one of the recurring themes was that we try to be perfect at everything we do.

And we know why we do it - that longing for external validation. It feels good because it means we belong, we're valued, we're worthy.

All really important to us as humans.

So, we figure, I'll "just" be perfect at work, as a a parent, as a partner, as a friend, as a citizen.

Perfect according to society, to the culture we were born in, to the culture we live in today, to social media, to our family, to our bosses.

It's quite a tall order isn't it. And it gets pretty exhausting, taking us straight down to L3 - Conflicted State.

Because, there is no beacon when we try to be perfect according to others. It's a constantly moving goal post.

So what if we could know we belong, we're valued, we're worthy, without relying so heavily on external validation, but instead, by finding our internal alignment and feeling good, one moment at a time.

What I encourage my clients to do, and what I do, when I feel that ping of angst, when I feel my decision making process moving to "what will others think?", is redirect my thoughts towards my beacon, my intentions, my "A.B. FM", my internal guidance.

And more often than not, a kinder voice shows up.

One that points me to progress as opposed to perfection.

Here's a recent example:

I feel so anxious writing this email.

Wait, I don't want to do this anxious. What's my running narrative here?

I'm trying to make this email perfect so that the vendor wants to work with me, I've never emailed them before.

Let me update my L2 - Autopilot State.

Perfect, according to who!? I don't actually intend on writing the perfect email.

I intend to move my project froward and do something really cool and new. And I want the email to reflect that I'm genuinely excited about this.

Now I know what to focus on - I focus on writing an email that moves the project forward. I write the email so that it addresses what I think is really cool and new, and press send and see what happens. And yes, of course, I'm kind and professional

Oh I forgot to say something - I send another email.

When I get an email back, I don't need to overanalyze their words either.

If I'm not expecting perfection for myself, it's a lot easier to not expect perfection from others.

Ah! The freedom, the growth, the progress.

I read the email with my intention, my beacon, in mind: does it advance the project in the direction I want it to?

Yes.

Ding, I ring the bell.

I celebrate the win.

I'm trending towards L1 - the Aligned State instead of spiraling down into L3 - Conflicted State.

And it's a lot funner place to be.

When do you see your perfectionist streak come in? How do you manage it?

9 coaching

In university, we were allowed to bring in cheat sheets for our engineering exams. The idea was that you didn't have to memorize the formulas, it was all about how you used the formulas. I liked that concept and I loved making the cheat sheets.

Leave it to an engineer to make a cheat sheet for mental well being.

Below are my 9 core principles that I then tailor to each of my clients. The overarching idea is that by going from constantly hustling to constantly tuning-inward, you will be setting yourself up for fulfillment.

At the center of my 3x3 framework is the concept of intentionality - coming back to what you want to experience, one moment at a time.

When you make dinner, when you open your social media app, when you put together a presentation, when you make a phone call.

The energy shifts when you're clear about what you want to see/do/hear/smell, and less worried about how others will perceive you.

And the action you take looks different.

The action tends to become smaller, simpler and yet more impactful.

We have a more relaxed energy, and the folks around us do too.