Othering through the Superiority of our Suffering
It is amazing how human relationships tend to be defined by how people relate to each other's suffering. Post Covid, one thing seems to be all pervading across cultures is the way people greet each other and how much they choose to share about their lives. Some have taken the vow to always say everything is perfect and to stay in their chosen bubble while others have chosen to go on with their saga of endless suffering. It has been unusual for people to have experienced an inordinate amount of suffering and to be able to talk about it, simply because many of us have had no training for something like this. How do we express grief or helplessness? How do we find the words? How do we trust that the other person will be able to hold our feelings and not crush them with their unkind words or advice? How do we let go of the need to be understood? Not knowing how to do any of this, many of us have chosen to withhold the expression of our actual state of being, in the process, othering those who may have been able to offer the gift of compassion or of simply bearing witness to our feelings.
Fear has been so hard wired into us, so much so that it seems to be taking a stronghold of our DNA, more with every passing year. There is fear of the political environment in our country, fear of our dwindling natural resources, fear of an economic collapse, fear of more unknowns such as Covid finding their way to us and with all these fears, it becomes so easy to add on the fear of people judging our ability to handle our fears. So the easy way out has become to alienate, to protect ourselves within our illusory boundaries and to anyone who comes close, we blurt out in our minds, 'how would you know'? Yes, how would anyone know if we don't muster up the courage to speak our truth?
When we alienate people from the truth of our suffering or sugar coat it or present ourselves in control of everything, we operate from a space of superiority. 'I have superiority of suffering. You are inferior to me because you don't suffer as I do. Your suffering is nothing compared to mine and you will never know what my suffering is because I don't want to share with you. I don't want to share my suffering with you because I am afraid that you will crush my feelings or I will feel inferior to you. I am afraid you will judge me for being unable to manage the challenges life has thrown at me and I might feel inadequate in some way. So I choose to remain in my illusory superior state and go on with my suffering'.
This sadly reflects many relationships we are privy to today. Who benefits from this attitude? This silent and subtle yet very rampant form of othering is widely prevalent in our society today and could be said to be propagating trauma in our collective fabric. By being othered, I feel not trusted and I feel I don't belong to your inner circle any more. I don't feel inferior but I feel excluded. More divide, more separation, more potential for polarization.
Speaking the truth is an experiment in courage (maybe this is partly what Gandhi was really working with all his life!). The more we muster up the courage to be vulnerable and to share with others what is going on, the more we stand the chance to be crushed. The more we speak our truth, however, the more we find the wisdom to be discerning with people so we may continue to be vulnerable again and be crushed a little less the next time. This is how we develop resilience. This is how we may start to sow the seeds for a better future and remove the weeds of war.
You are suffering. So is everyone. Your suffering is different, mine is different. Mine is not superior to yours nor is yours superior to mine. We are just living in different planes of existence and from where we are, we experience our own suffering in various levels of depth. I love this articulation of types of suffering by Ajahn Brahm, the Buddhist teacher.
It is ok, all part of our journey and to be embraced as our unique path. My suffering is ok and so is yours. We can choose to co-exist with our sufferings, offering silent support and understanding. I can choose to deal with my suffering in isolation but that does not make me superior or inferior. We can choose to embrace our holographic existence, each of us mirroring the other's soul. We can choose to be vulnerable.