The Orgasm Gap: Challenging Norms and Rediscovering Pleasure

Recently I spent a couple days watching my 16-year-old niece, and over a nice homemade pasta dinner we got to talking about… sex. Let me tell you, even as a sex educator and someone who has dedicated her career to sexual wellness, this conversation was a JOURNEY. My niece is 16, so I was mentally prepared for a conversation about sex to come up eventually, but I assumed it would be more… standard birds and the bees. Maybe a bit of 16-year-old gossip about who at school is having sex with whom (and please… if you are clutching your pearls about a 16-year-old discussing their friends’ sex lives, I beg you to ease the grip a little bit, remember what it was like at 16 with all the hormones in your body, and remember that sex is just sex, and if the 16-year-olds are both consenting, then its ok!) Anyways, back to the conversation. I assumed it would be maybe some gossip, maybe some sexual health and a reminder that I would buy her condoms if she ever needed. But OH NO HUNNY we got into it! We were talking pleasure, consent, what it was like when I had sex for the first time, whether it hurt the first time I had sex, if it was normal to bleed, and… orgasms. Specifically, the orgasm gap. I wish someone could have taken a picture of my face when she looked at me and asked, “is it true that women who have sex with women have more orgasms than woman who have sex with men?” YALL!!!!! She is 16 and knows about the orgasm gap?! I didn’t know about that until it was literally my job to learn about sex! I have so much faith and confidence in our future, these kids know what they are doing.

But I am not here to talk about 16-year-olds and how to give the sex talk. We can discuss that later. For now, I want to discuss what she so casually brought up. The orgasm gap. It is so common that even a 16-year-old knew about it, and yet, I know so many people with vaginas who feel terrible because they can’t have an orgasm with vaginal intercourse. Or it is really tough and they have to concentrate really hard (raises hand because yes, even as someone who talks about sex every day, I have trouble having an orgasm during penetration. It’s normal!) According to the last study I read, 70% of women reported sometimes, rarely or never having an orgasm during intercourse, while only 5-10% of men reported sometimes, rarely or never having an orgasm during intercourse. THAT IS A HUGE GAP! But also, if you are like me, and the 70% of other women who have difficulty orgasming during intercourse, then hi, hello, welcome! You are not alone. You are not weird. There is nothing wrong with you. It’s just that you are a woman and for millennia sex wasn’t seen as something we should enjoy. And so, for millennia all the sex studies and sex lore and sexual narratives that we have been fed, were actually just looking at MALE sex and sexuality. Not female. And when it was finally remembered that we exist and can also experience pleasure, it was assumed that our sexuality and desires were just like men’s. But… Nah. We are the same, but also, we are different.

So why do I think the orgasm gap exists? Let’s start with what most of us would probably consider “sex” or “intercourse.” Are you imagining a penis in a vagina? I would bet for a lot of you that’s the first thing that immediately comes to mind. And guess why? Because for cis-hetero men, that is kinda the standard. And we have all this media and history and stories and images that for centuries have told us that sex is a penis in a vagina. And because most (cis-hetero) men orgasm reliably from penetrative vaginal sex, well, then that should be the standard and it should work the same way for women too. But… your friendly neighborhood sex educator (that’s me!) is here to tell you… That way of thinking is just plain wrong. There will be very few times where I make a declarative statement when it comes to sex and sexuality because it is such a varied and nuanced topic. But with this? NAH, I am making a statement. Everything you have been taught about “normal” sex and sexuality is wrong. The fact that when most of us think of sex, the first thing we think of (myself included!) is penis-in-vagina intercourse is just some… compulsive heterosexual bullshit. It’s the patriarchy that has seeped so deep into our culture that we can barely even recognize it’s there. Cause guess what? The vagina aint even a woman’s main sex organ! Her fucking brain is (bet you thought I was gonna say clitoris! Ha! Although that is too.) And so I repeat – everything you have been taught about “normal” sex and sexuality is wrong.

And why is it wrong? Because fucking normal sex doesn’t really exist. What is normal for me may not be normal for you and probably also isn’t normal for your friend, and as a straight woman with a lot of gay friends I know for a fact that what is normal for me is not for them. I have trouble even defining what sex is! Does it have to involve penetration? I don’t think so. Mutual masturbation is a thing and I think I would still consider that a sex act even though it can be done without even touching another person. Does it have to involve orgasming? Well we have already answered that question and it is a big fat no.

ANYWAYS, I have strayed so far off topic. I wanted to discuss the orgasm gap and my brain just started yelling about how vaginas aren’t the main sex organ and then off I went. What I really want to normalize and want everyone to know, is that it is ok not to have an orgasm! You are not broken! Bodies are complicated, and sex is complicated, and we are all different, but we are all the same. If you are struggling with orgasming, don’t add pressure to yourself. As I like to say – it’s not you, it’s the messaging (and the patriarchy!!)

Now this is just conjecture, and my own thoughts, not necessarily something I have researched, but I would bet a lot of money that if we decentered men and male pleasure, and took focus off the penis and the vagina, then that 70% number would decrease a whole hell of a lot. The narrative we have been fed has largely ignored female pleasure and where that pleasure comes from. What if instead of vaginal penetration, you and your partner just took time to explore? Clitoral stimulation, nipple stimulation, hell, even ear stimulation. What if you tried not having vaginal sex and instead tried basically anything else (but also really I recommend clitoral stimulation because… the clit exists solely for pleasure.)

Maybe if we opened up our sexual stories and looked away from the “normal” and the “standard” we’d find a whole world of female pleasure. I am not saying it will be easy – I love to explore and can still get in my head and distracted and find it hard to cum (again, brain is your biggest sex organ!). But what if we just took the time to find out what pleases us as individuals, and began to look at our whole bodies and all they have to offer? What a world that would be! So maybe tonight, tomorrow, next week, you and your partner(s) just have fun and explore? Discover all the other ways to have sex that aren’t vaginal penetration and enjoy being in a body that can experience pleasure.

If you are interested in learning more, I offer a 12-week program to fully dive into your sex and sexuality. We will take everything you have learned about “normal” sex and turn it on its head. We’ll have frank discussions about your current sexual belief system, who taught it to you and how it came to be. Then, we’ll tear it apart and create a new one. One that is true to you, and one that hopefully includes some orgasms. To learn more about ways we can work together, please visit this link: https://sexualitywithoutshame.com/work-with-sabrina