Organic Software

We set out to deliver fresh, hand-coded, locally compiled humane software that you can enjoy with your entire family. 

I am happy to announce the launch of Organic Software — my new software venture. Here is my interview with David Pogue of Yahoo Tech. 

David : What drove you to start Organic Software ? 

Me : First, we want to change the world. Second, we want to build the most politically correct software company in the world. Third, we want to write software that sells for twice the price, is good for the programming environment and is buzzword compliant. 

David : But why Organic ? 

Me : There is a great demand for everything organic. So we set out to deliver fresh, hand-coded, locally compiled humane software that you can enjoy with your entire family.  We use no artificial means to squash bugs and we deliver fresh code to your computer seconds after the developer has coded it. Our code base is never frozen and every byte is fresh and authentic. 

David : But is it better ? 

Me : It is Organic. It costs twice as much as regular software. Of course it is better David!  

You don’t want your kids to consume mass produced software that is heavily debugged, industrially compiled and human tested. Some of this software is stored for years on servers before you buy and consume it. 
In contrast, we use no genetically modified algorithms and our programs contain no artificial intelligence. Our filesystems are FAT free, our methodology is lean, we reuse and recycle our memory instead of relying on garbage collection, and our fonts are always green. 

When we use Ruby, our gems are conflict free. When we use Python, no animals are harmed. When we use Java, we stay away from factories so that we can call our code eco-friendly. 

What is at stake here is not mere software. Our company is about human values. 

David : Oh yes, I have heard  good things about diversity in your company. 

Me : Absolutely. We do not discriminate based on race, ethnicity, gender, knowledge, intelligence or ability to program. To eliminate any form of discrimination we pick programmers by uniform random sampling of the population. 

David : But how do you ensure that the programmers are good ? 

Me : All our programmers are grass-fed and free range. They do not work out of dark office cubicles. There is no difference between good and bad free range programmers high on grass. This way we are able to deliver consistent quality. 

David : Who is your target audience ? 

Me : We are focussing on parents with new borns. They want organic wipes for their baby's butt and they love the stories we tell. 

David : One last question. I see you have hit all buzzwords, but have not mentioned “all natural”. 

Me : Well, our bullshit is all natural. You may think we sell organic software, but in fact we sell organic manure. 

Happy Fool's day folks. 

Image Credit : The main image in this post is downloaded from wikimedia and is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike 4.0 International