An Order To Show Claus

Up at the North Pole, twenty-fourth of December was shaping up well as a night to remember

The elves were done packing, and Santa was heading his way out the door for an awesome night's sledding

But suddenly from the front door came a knocking, and Santa, nonplussed, commenced to unlocking

Pulling open the door, Santa blinked with dismay-face at a guy in a suit with a brown attache case

"You Santa?" he growled as he searched his valise, and yanked out some papers like they were diseased

"What's up?" queried Santa. Said he: "My name's Bernie. The reason I'm here, I'm a plaintiff's attorney."

"Attorney! " cried Nick with a look of dismay. "Whatever possessed you to come here today?"

"Santa," he said, "What would be your reaction, to hear you've been targeted in a class action?"

"Class action? What's that?" Santa cried with alarm. Said Bernie, "When lots of folks claim that you did them some harm."

"What harm?" exclaimed Santa. "I just give out toys! To all the world's good little girls and li'l boys!"

"That's part of the problem," said Bernie, "You should -- not be so judgmental about 'bad' and 'good.' "

"Behavior's subjective," went Bernie's oration. "You engage in a pattern of discrimination."

"Who are your clients?" asked Santa, displeased. Bernie said, "All the world's little bad S.O.B.'s."

"Bad kids don't get presents!" said Santa, distressin'. "Without punishment how would they learn a lesson?"

But Bernie guffawed and he shook his bald head. "Get with the times, Santa! That thinking is dead!"

"Screw you and your lawsuit!" said Santa, "I'm going! The good kids are waiting! I'm off like a Boeing!"

Bernie cried, "Hold it Santa! Don't head for the border! I got here a temp'rary restraining order!"

"This order is signed by a Federal judge. Until there's a hearing, those reindeer don't budge!"

So Santa sat down contemplating the shocking... idea that no presents would grace each kid's stocking

"And one more thing, Santa," said Bernie, bemused, "You discriminate 'gainst Hindus, Muslims and Jews."

"And the kids in apartments who don't have a chimney -- how do you explain that?" asked Bernie, more grimly.

"Let's face it, Santa: Your ways are in error. This lawsuit will bring down your long reign of terror."

Moaned Santa, now sadly, "But who stands to profit? If you win your lawsuit and I have to stop it?"

"Class actions are great! The lawyers make millions!" Gushed Bernie, "The settlements run into zillions!"

"But what of the kids?" Santa asked, putting soup on. Bernie said, "They'll each get a fifty-cent coupon."

Bernie lit a cigar in his smug self-assurance. "Oh by the way, Nick -- you got any insurance?"

Santa glared at the summons, then called in the elves, and sighed, "Unpack the sled, put the toys on the shelves."

Bernie closed up his briefcase and thought of his fee. And his name in the news: all that publicity!

"Gonna drink some champagne, and party of course! I'll be bigger news than Kim and Kris's divorce!"

As he left Santa's cottage, Bernie trudged through the snow. Santa's reindeer were seething; adrenaline flowed

A cold wind was howling, a thick snow was blowing, and Bernie The Lawyer didn't watch where he's going

Then the reindeer just bolted. On Dancer! On Vixen! There's a smart-ass attorney whose hash needs a-fixin'!

They bore down on Bernie, so smug and insidious. His daydreams had made him completely oblivious

Rudolph hit Bernie first, knocked him down with an "Ooof!" Then onto his head went each reindeer's great hoof!

"Say, did we hit something?" asked one with a grin; "Back up the rig, Rudy, and hit him again!"

Now Bernie lay bleeding, all broken and tattered; eight discs herniated, and both ankles shattered

As the reindeer went trotting back to their warm stable, old Bernie lay sick, sore and lame and disabled

Winked Comet to Cupid, "I think that, all told, our friend there will meet the State's no-fault threshold!"

Santa ran out to see 'bout the noise and the fuss. Prancer said with a wink, "He ran right into us!"

Bernie wailed, "Help me, Santa! Don't leave me to freeze!" Santa smiled, "Sure thing, Bernie! Just sign this release!"

"You're quite a mess, Bernie! No physical fitness! But you're on my turf, And you ain't got a witness!"

His power to bargain was gone. Bernie sighed. He signed the release, and an elf notarized.

Santa grabbed the release. "Sorry 'bout your disaster. You'll be spending your holidays wrapped up in plaster."

"As for us," cried out Nick, "We've a long night ahead. C'mon boys! Let's get crackin' and re-load that sled!"

So away Santa flew, and he said with a smirk, "I've got way too much game to get played by some jerk!"

A happy and safe holiday season to everyone from Larry Rogak!