An Order To Show Claus

copyright 1998, 2017 Lawrence N. Rogak

Up at the North Pole

Twenty-fourth of December

Was shaping up well

As a night to remember

The elves were done packing

And Santa was heading

His way out the door

For an awesome night's sledding

But suddenly from the

Front door came a knocking

And Santa, nonplussed, asked

"Now who could be hocking....?"

Pulling open the door

Santa blinked with dismay-face

At a guy in a suit

With a brown attache case

"You Santa?" he growled

As he searched his valise

And yanked out some papers

Like they were diseased

"What's up?" queried Santa

Said he: "My name's Bernie

The reason I'm here,

I'm a plaintiff's attorney"

"Attorney?!? " cried Nick

With a look of dismay

"Whatever possessed you

To come here today?"

"Santa," he said

"What would be your reaction

To hear you've been targeted

In a class action?"

"Class action? What's that?"

Santa cried with alarm

Said Bernie "When lots of folks

Claim that you did them some harm."

"What harm?" exclaimed Santa

"I just give out toys

To all the world's good

Little girls and li'l boys!"

"That's part of the problem,"

Said Bernie, "You should

Not be so judgmental

About 'bad' and 'good.' "

"Behavior's subjective,"

Went Bernie's oration

"You engage in a pattern of

Discrimination."

"Who are your clients?"

Asked Santa, displeased.

Bernie said, "All the world's

Little bad S.O.B.'s."

"Bad kids don't get presents!"

Said Santa, distressin'

"Without punishment

How would they learn a lesson?"

But Bernie guffawed

And he shook his bald head

"Get with the times, Santa!

That thinking is dead!"

"Screw you and your lawsuit!"

Said Santa, "I'm going!

The good kids are waiting!

I'm off like a Boeing!"

Bernie cried, "Hold it Santa!

Don't head for the border!

I got here a temp'rary

Restraining order!"

"This order is signed by

A Federal judge,

Until there's a hearing

Those reindeer don't budge!"

So Santa sat down

Contemplating the shocking

Idea that no presents

Would grace each kid's stocking

"And one more thing, Santa,"

Said Bernie, bemused

"You discriminate 'gainst

Hindus, Muslims and Jews."

"And the kids in apartments

Who don't have a chimney

How do you explain that?"

Asked Bernie, more grimly.

"Let's face it, Santa:

Your ways are in error

This lawsuit will bring down

Your long reign of terror."

Moaned Santa, now sadly,

"But who stands to profit

If you win your lawsuit

And I have to stop it?"

"Class actions are great!

The lawyers make millions!"

Gushed Bernie, "The settlements

Run into zillions!"

"But what of the kids?"

Santa asked, putting soup on

Bernie said, "They'll each get

A fifty-cent coupon."

Bernie lit a cigar

In his smug self-assurance

And said "By the way, Nick --

Got any insurance?"

Santa glared at the summons

Then called in the elves

And sighed, "Unpack the sled

Put the toys on the shelves."

Bernie closed up his briefcase

And thought of his fee

And his name in the news

All that publicity!

"Gonna drink some champagne

And party of course!

I'll be bigger news than

Angelina's divorce!"

As he left Santa's cottage

Bernie trudged through the snow

Santa's reindeer were seething

Adrenaline flowed

A cold wind was howling

A thick snow was blowing

And Bernie The Lawyer

Didn't watch where he's going

Then the reindeer just bolted

On Dancer! On Vixen!

There's a smart-ass attorney

Whose hash needs a-fixin'!

They bore down on Bernie

So smug and insidious

His daydreams had made him

Completely oblivious

Rudolph hit Bernie first

Knocked him down with an "Ooof!"

Then onto his head went

Each reindeer's great hoof!

"Say, did we hit something?"

Donner asked with a grin

"Back up the rig, Rudy

And hit him again!"

Now Bernie lay bleeding

All broken and tattered

His discs herniated

And both ankles shattered

As the reindeer went trotting

Back to their warm stable

Old Bernie lay sick, sore

And lame and disabled

Winked Comet to Cupid

"I think that, all told

Our friend there will meet

The State's no-fault threshold!"

Santa ran out to see

'Bout the noise and the fuss

Prancer said with a wink,

"He ran right into us!"

Bernie wailed, "Help me, Santa!

Don't leave me to freeze!"

Santa smiled, "Sure thing, Bernie!

Just sign this release!"

"You're quite a mess, Bernie!

No physical fitness!

But you're on my turf,

And you ain't got a witness!"

His power to bargain

Was gone. Bernie sighed.

He signed the release

And an elf notarized.

Santa grabbed the release

"Sorry 'bout your disaster.

You'll be spending your holidays

Wrapped up in plaster."

"As for us," cried out Nick

"We've a long night ahead.

C'mon boys! Let's get crackin'

And re-load that sled!"

So away Santa flew

And he said with a smirk

"I've got way too much game

To get stopped by some jerk!"

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A happy and safe holiday to all from

Lawrence N. Rogak LLC

3355 Lawson Boulevard

Oceanside, New York 11572

516 763 2996