The Optimistic Pessimist

Outwardly, I am a relentless optimist, focused on the positive, looking for opportunities, and encouraging those around me to believe in possibilities rather than problems. I believe I will find parking, and generally do. I expect traffic lights to turn green when I arrive, and they often oblige. I arrive at the airport twenty-five minutes before my flight and still make it onto the plane.

Around others, I’m even more of an optimist, supporting and encouraging people’s efforts and helping them imagine good outcomes around the corner. I help them persevere through setbacks and challenges and carry them over the finish line when they falter. I remind them that even when everything looks cloudy and grey, the sun is shining above the clouds, and tomorrow, a new day will dawn. I support people both in my personal and in my professional life and try to help them be more positive.

But alone, in the dark, when the commotion has died down, I retreat into my mind and struggle with worry and anxiety, imagining catastrophic scenarios and anticipating myriad ways in which things could go wrong. At times, I’m grumpy and unpleasant, muttering negative commentary to myself. I get sad, depressed, disheartened, and discouraged and often feel lonely, even around the people I love most. When I stop paying attention and let my emotions drift of their own accord, I can be quite the pessimist.

My optimism is therefore not a product of my natural inclination, but is instead an intentional practice that I’ve adopted and turned into a life habit. Somewhere along the way, I understood that my quality of life is determined partly by my genetic makeup, even more by my environment, but mostly by my choices. On one level, I am who I am. My DNA determines what I look like, how tall I am, and how my brain is constructed. Perhaps my brain has more anxious and sad neurons than is ideal, but that is the hand I’ve been dealt, and I don’t control my genetics.

The environment in which I grew up also influenced my mental, social, and emotional well-being, and as a child, I had little say over my surroundings. My family, schools, neighborhood, and society influenced what I did, how I felt, and how I interacted with others. As I grew older, I did make decisions that helped me shape, though not entirely control my environment. I choose where to live, who to spend time with, what work to do, what to buy, and how to spend my time, and these choices impact my quality of life.

Over time, I’ve come to realize that the only thing I really control is my attitude, and that despite my natural tendencies, I can choose to be positive. Confronted by any circumstance, I must decide where to focus and what to emphasize. For me, optimism is a conscious choice, requiring effort and persistence. It has become my way of life, and I’m very grateful.