Opportunity denied: The art of not helping

Allow me to share a real-life story of a former colleague of mine.

This individual whose name I will not reveal for obvious reasons was going through a tough time. Not that tough times are not rare but his situation was a bit dire. He became the victim of what we call, extreme case of Office politics. On the personal front, the individual was struggling as well. Did not have a father and his mother was also ailing. Over all, his life was tumultuous.

Eventually, the individual had to leave the secured job in disgrace. At that same time he faced a tragedy in his personal life as well. His Mother passed away. He was practically nowhere.

As far as I knew the person, he was talented and a genuinely hard working person from the word go but at the end, he fell victim to politics just as many do in the corporate world. So, after quitting his well-played job he joined a competitor of the organization he previously served. From then onwards, his struggle in life began. In the years later, he switched few other jobs and finally landed in a big role in one of the fastest growing organizations in the world. Life, finally took a turn for the good.

Now, at this juncture, many of you might think that why am I saying all this and where my connection with this individual is?  Well, we both were colleagues in the same organization till his departure from there. In between, we had communications via social media and had correspondence over brief phone calls and noting more than that. We again met in the month of September 2017, during an interview for a role at the organization he is serving at the moment. This was for a role which would report to him.

The interview went ok but was not as good as it should have been. So, obviously I was not chosen for the role. However, my ambition to work for that organization still remained strong So much so, that I kept applying to any vacant roles which fit my previous experiences with no success of getting short listed till now. I became concerned as I needed to get into work immediately. So, one fine day, I thought I should contact this individual again and share with him my concern.

I vividly remember that this latest conversation occurred with him during Eid Ul Adha and the correspondence took place via messenger. I explained to him in written that why I left the organization we both once use to work and that it has been almost nine months and nothing was clicking. I even mentioned to him that I applied in the organization he currently works for and I am quite passionate about working with them without forgetting to mention about the failed interview I had with him.

Knowing that he went through similar plight at one stage of his life, I expected him to be at least understanding if not being sympathetic about my situation. To my utter surprise his response hurt me to the core. I could not believe what I was reading even though he started off by saying that his statement might hurt me.

His reply was as follows and I am quoting him exactly considering the journalistic ethics of reporting correspondence exactly in the way it was relayed:

“I would be a terrible rocket scientist don’t you think? I like you as a human being. And I want to help you. As an ex colleague and a team mate. Can I say few things that may really hurt you? But may really help you realize your potential”

After reading the aforementioned, I informed him that since I am already badly hurt, he can go ahead with whatever he wanted to say to me. I added “How much wound can you create inside and existing wound?” without realizing that I would soon be putting my foot in my mouth.

The individual continued as follows:

“If I may be honest, I found you average as a marketing resource. Your thought processes are convoluted and concepts that you hold are far from reality. I feel you will not fit in if I take you in my team. I am certain you are not cut out for a corporate job. You are too emotional and can’t protect your feelings or create a false self to fit with the environment. But you are a deep thinker of human behavior, psychology and similar topics. I don’t know what’s your calling but it is surely not a corporate job. If I can see that through you, I am certain others can too. May be that’s why nothing’s clocking for you. I would suggest to find your passion and dive deep for it. I have done one of the best leadership training, world has to offer. And the summary of that is to find the purpose of my life. And design everything you do, every waking moment is to make that purpose a reality. That’s the best advice or suggestion I can give you bhai”

In response to the aforementioned statement, I put a like on it and responded with a “Thank you”

The individual also added that his purpose in life is to help people learn from his life experiences and to be successful at theirs. He further stated that he wishes to be an academician before turning fifty (50) and teach at universities. I told him that I will keep his words in mind.

The individual continued to add to his comments by saying that his intention is to shape the young minds and again emphasized on the point of doing some research on the purpose of life and how to work at it. He hoped that I understand his intention of doing what he did by saying all this things and informed me that it is connected to his purpose of life and ended his comments by reminding me that inaction is more important as in what not to do or say or even think at times. The conversation then concluded cordially with an open invitation from the individual that for any discussion on such issues, I am most welcome to join him for a cup of coffee.

Now, let me be honest here. My first reactions to his comments about my abilities did annoy me a lot. I was furious from the inside and I was thinking that here I was sharing my plight with a former colleague of mine and he reacts like this? How heartless?

Then, slowly and slowly this wrath inside me became cool. My brain started to sync with my heart and gave me an opportunity to look at the comments from a different point of view which I failed to capture earlier.

See, I read somewhere that there are some individual who becomes heartless while enduring severe hurt continuously. In short, they change and sort of builds up this artificial and alternative persona about themselves as defense mechanism. Most probably, the individual that I have just described endured such conditions in his lifetime.

In my entire fourteen years of working in corporate environment, I have learned some major lessons and one of them is that, effective leadership capabilities only develops when an individual is successful in keeping their humane self-intact, no matter what they face. The individual whose anecdote I have just described mentioned to me that he had done the best leadership training in the world but sadly fails to realize this that for being a good leader, empathy is a must which no training in the world can teach to any participant.  

I don’t know about the rest of the world but from my experience so far, I have seen very few people who has this particular quality in them. And those who do, definitely ranks among the best in my view. And if I see them as highly as I do, then I am sure, others do it as well.

The individual whom I am speaking about has taken the route to attain a successful life. Perhaps he is satisfied and perhaps he is not but the thing is there is a vast difference in attaining a successful life and a satisfied one. We often take success as granted and trade off satisfaction in life which leads to a prosperous future. Unfortunately, it seems my former colleague has forgotten this fact and has taken into the mentality that his struggle is an excuse to not give others an opportunity, when they need one. You know, the stuff we all define as “second chance”. And most follow this path.  

My colleague says that he didn’t choose me because he was probably judging me based on what I use to be once. He failed to understand that may be giving me an opportunity might motivate me further to be truly worthwhile as a resource.

The surprising factor is not that people are not given opportunities when they need one. What is surprising is that, we have made this into a normal thing. There are very few who sincerely help others when they need help. And unfortunately, my former colleague is not one of these people. He and many others during this entire journey of mine unfortunately belongs to the majority in this culture, who have sadly not learned anything from their own times of struggle. I may be wrong in this perception but then again remember this, a decision was also made regarding me based on perception which may or may not be true.

So, after nine months of rigorous job searching, I finally landed up in a place which is not my expert area of work. I had to get into a job to earn for my family and for that I had to sacrifice both my salary and my position to get back into the job market again. I do not have the option to not like it.  

If I was given an opportunity back then or during these times of struggle by this former colleague or anyone who had this capability, then perhaps I would not have had to go through all this. Will I survive in my new work place where I am now? It’s up to Time and most importantly Allah (SWT) to decide that.

For me, I have chosen the path of attaining a satisfied life. I may not have a flashy designation or six figure salary that could become the answer to all my present struggle but at least I am being able to say that, I am sacrificing for the survival of my family who deserves every right to survive just like everyone else.

My learning: If destiny gives me a chance to see that I face someone like me in the future in the same situation as I am now. Insha’Allah, I will give that individual an opportunity to survive.

The path to attaining a successful life, creates arrogancy and a false image which my former colleague was saying that I lack. Whereas the path to attaining a satisfied life, leads to harness empathy, which most leaders or designation holders in our culture lacks. We are failing to understand that only through helping and creating opportunities at times of need for someone, creates progression for a better future.