Opening a Closed Mind

Opening a Closed Mind

One of the biggest takeaways from my time in prison, both as an inmate, and in more recent times, as a keynote speaker is that there are so many people in there who are desperate to open their mind up to new things.

During my recent talks, at HMP Dovegate, and HMP The Mount, the theme was very similar in that the questions I was asked at the end of the talk were, perhaps surprisingly, yet also refreshingly, extremely technical, and in depth, when it came to discussing the workings of the mind.

Refreshing as statistically the largest demographic, in the UK, for suicides is middle aged men. So, I found it encouraging that so many men, in that demographic, were so open to talking about this stuff.

In 2019, the suicide rate for men, between the ages of 45-49, was 22.5 per 100,000 population, which is higher than any other age group or demographic. And from personal experience and knowledge I can see why this is more than simply a coincidence.

It is also no coincidence that male dominated industries, such as the construction industry have a far higher rate of suicide than any other occupational group. Between 2011 and 2015, there were 1,419 suicides in the UK, which is equivalent to a rate of 29.5 per 100,000 workers.

Traditionally a lot of men will avoid seeking help when it comes to their mental wellbeing. Fear of being stigmatised, or judged, social expectation and a belief that doing so makes you weak in some way, are just some of the many reasons why this is the case.

My own personal and social experiences highlight this. For years I believed things like, ‘a real man just gets on with it’. Telling myself stuff like being tough means burying your emotions and just ploughing on.

Many of my generation grew up hearing stories of tough men who experienced terrible atrocities in the previous two World Wars, just getting on with it. Head up, and just get on with it!

But reality wasn’t as romantic as many may choose to believe. My own Grandfather returned from the war a changed man. He was a tough man, from the Northeast. A boxer, and very much self-reliant type of man. And indeed, as was expected back then, he just got on with it. But how did this manifest in his own mental and emotional wellbeing?

Truth is, and as hard as it is to admit to because he was, and still is, my hero in many ways, he would occasionally lash out of my grandmother as well as my mother’s brother Geoff.

And it’s worth noting that he had not done so prior to the war. He would experience extreme outbursts when under pressure, and this was his way of releasing that pressure. And this story was a familiar one for many.

As someone with a keen interest in history, I’ve watched countless interviews with war veterans who talk candidly about their experiences after the war. The sleepless nights, the years of mental and emotional trauma they endured, reliving the hell they had experienced. Often many would turn to drink to cope.

So, to suggest that a ‘real man’ just gets on with it, and ploughs on without any kind of issue, is a fallacy I’m afraid. The issues will still be there, only the difference is we find alternate ways in which to bury them or distract us from them. However, privately they will impact us heavily.

And this is one of the key reasons why so many men turn to suicide. They simply grow tired of having to deal with so much private mental and emotional burden and trauma.

A lot of guys I know laughed and mocked me when I started my career in coaching a few years back. You see it didn’t fit in with their social expectations of me. There was I, this ex-football hooligan, who had spent years in prison, suddenly talking about the mindset and emotions.

As they sat in the pub, shovelling cocaine up their noses and getting drunk, ridiculing the show I was doing on social media, I am sure that they projected an image of toughness and manliness. However, the reality is, away from the pub, the alcohol, and the coke, I guarantee they felt anything but that.

You see I’ve been there myself. I was once that guy taking the piss out of others to deflect my focus away from my own problems. It’s far easier to focus outward at others, than it is to look inward at ourselves. We put on an act. Create an image. And that’s what we show the people around us.

I was expected to act a certain way socially, however as soon as you no longer act the way people expect you to, you discover who your real friends truly are. And it certainly, in my case, wasn’t the cokeheads sat in the pub!

So, as a man looking to deal with the very real mental and emotional pressures of life, how do you do so when there is so much stigma attached to mental health. How do you avoid feeling judged or weak? Especially when you are in a position where you are surrounded by men, such as a prison or male dominated industry. And the answer to that question is simple, you open your mind up!

A lot of guys will instantly ridicule and judge things that they don’t understand. And when it comes to the mindset, many of us have no clue at all about our own. We fail to recognise the limiting beliefs we have. The unconscious fears, judgments, doubts, and assumptions we make.

As result we reject anything which does not align with our own belief system. Preventing us from even entertaining the option of working on ourselves. In short, we lack self-awareness.

However, what I have discovered over my time working as a professional coach is that many men do want to learn more about how their mind works, and in turn, create a more balanced way of thinking, feeling and being generally. Men do want to face their emotional demons.

And as I always say to men I meet, a real tough guy isn’t the one who avoids his inner demons, he is the one who confronts, and conquers them. Because that takes strength of character and courage. Which further diminishes the belief that men who speak about their emotions are in some way weak. The truth is the exact opposite. Those men are the strong ones.

It’s easy to avoid facing the things we don’t like about ourselves with drink and drugs for instance. We simply just push the problem away, whilst inadvertently making it even bigger. And that is one of the key reasons why there are so many male suicides occurring around the mid to late 40’s, as that is often the time things become just too much to handle.

I think it’s fair to say a lot of men would like to see themselves as a strong leader. By that I don’t necessarily mean in terms of leading others, but simply in terms of how we lead ourselves. And to be a strong leader you need to display a certain set of skills and attributes.

Having integrity and empathy for instance are both key when we focus on what makes a strong leader. But also, being able to make tough choices and decisions, show competence and responsibility. Taking account for your actions. As well as being able to adapt in the face of adversity and struggle. These are some of the qualities I would expect to see in a strong leader, and man!

And the work I now do, whether in terms of my one-to-one coaching, keynote speaking, and group workshops is essentially aimed at helping people, from all walks of life, create that leadership mentality. The process I use is called Energy Leadership, and what I teach is how we can all use our own core energy to work for us, consistently and in all circumstances.

So, if you are someone who feels that their life is not in the place, you’d like it to be, and you have previously struggled to open up to working on yourself in this way, I would encourage you to open your mind to doing so.

Because unless we nurture those seeds, that we all have planted within in our subconscious mind, to ultimately grow and become happier within ourselves, then naturally they will never blossom into their true potential. And we will always be simply existing, rather than living!

For more details on how we can work together one-to-one, or indeed if you are interested in hearing more about my Keynote Talk, 'Life in a Container', and subsequent group workshops, feel free to book a call below, or simply contact me directly -

https://calendly.com/marcsinger75/get_to_know_me

#prison #menshealth #mensmentalhealth #mentalhealth #leadership #leadershipcoaching #mindsetcoach #lifecoaching #productivity #successmindset #men #keynotespeaker #tohellandback #adversity

?

?

?

?