An Open Letter For Those Who Have Lost

An Open Letter

In Honor of October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month.

When you are working through grief from a miscarriage, infant loss or struggling with infertility it's extremely difficult and isolating feeling.

There are not enough words to describe the pain and suffering in longing for a child that may never come. Then you add COVID into our current world environment and the stress and anxiety that the average person is experiencing is overwhelming enough.

I know you’re sad, I understand the sorrow, and the dark places your mind takes you. So I won’t tell you to have a 'Great Day', or "It takes time", or "It Will be Ok" or "Stay Positive", or "you can try again" because those were all the things I hated hearing when we lost several pregnancies, and when I struggled for years with Infertility.

What I would like to humbly suggest is to aim for one simple small thing today. It could be that you try to be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to have a break, and remove the negative thoughts cycling through your brain. Or perhaps if you could muster up the energy to finally eat something, more than just a few crackers and tea. I know for myself when I am upset or stressed out I loose my appetite all together.

Maybe you could make it your goal today to feed yourself well. Make your favorite mixed green salad with avocado's, strawberries and candied pecan's. Or fire up the BBQ and make a yummy Rib Eye Steak with Corn on the cobb and a big baked potato. Food can be very comforting, it won't solve our problems, but it is important to feed our bodies well, especially when we are suffering emotionally.

Maybe today is the day you find the strength to jump into the shower, making it a long shower, where you finally cry and yell and actually feel up to connecting with your emotions. Crying allows us to release all the pent up anger and pain, and afterwards it can feel a lot better to release those emotional burdens.

If a shower seems like to much work, change out of the same PJ's or sweat pants you have been in for the last few days. Put on your most comfortable clothes, or your favorite jeans and T shirt. Or make it your goal to just get out of your bedroom, where you have been zoned out in front of the tv for the last few days. Give yourself a home facial. Or paint your toe nails.

Try one thing.

Even it if its just going down to the living room, sit on your favorite chair or couch. Rest or nap if you need to but change your setting today. Read a Feel Good Book, or Watch a Comedy Movie. Stay away from anything and everything sad. Do not watch Sad movies, or read a book with a tragic ending.

I repeat stay away from anything sad.

Don’t give up on yourself. Don't give up on your partner. As much as you are hurting, so is your partner, they just may not express their feelings the same way as you. Remember you are in this together even if you feel alone.

It wont get better today, or tomorrow or by next week or next month. But it will begin to become less and less painful. Your suffering slowly fades and all that is left is the pain. You begin to store that pain away into a distant place, although it will always be there, it will be replaced with acceptance and honoring beautiful memories. Maybe today you may focus on "not" reliving your fears, or forgive yourself for any self blame you should never have burdened your heart with.

Only "You" will know when it is time to allow the healing to begin. Don't let anyone push you to move on, or make you feel guilty for where you are at in your life right now. Your feelings are real, this is how you feel, don't apologize for that. So my wish for you all, is to just, have a day and aim for one very small step towards better days.

I am turning 49 years old. I am a bonus Mom of an amazing, kind and lovely 18 year old daughter. I have been married 12 years to my very handsome, supportive solid rock of a best friend. We have a healthy independent strong free spirited 7 year old daughter after 7 IVF cycles and several miscarriages.

Check in on your friends who have lost a baby, or have been trying to conceive.