An Open Letter To My Children (spoken through my daughter) 4

??? Are we gonna do anything this weekend?

Me - Honey, it’s up to you.? I’m not gonna force you guys into my boring, poor life.? I'll do something with you guys everyday if you want. ?lol

I’m exaggerating. I know you have other stuff to do. ? What I’m saying is, if you want me there for something or if you just want to hang out, all you and Vinny have to do is tell me. ?

I feel horrible that I suck right now and can’t be the dad I want to be to you guys.? The dad I was.? I know what I’m doing is more important in the long run and more important than anything, but I hate that I’ve neglected our time together and I don’t know how to fix it without forcing you guys into the stress and the drama that surrounds me right now. ?

All I can say is I love you and Vinny more than anything on this planet and every little thing I do has got the two of you and your future's at the forefront of my motivations.? If you ever want me around you guys for things you’re doing or you want to be around me me, just for the heck of it, tell me.? From day one I told you and your brother if you wanted to move from hotel to hotel everyday with me, my door was open, even if I didn’t have a door.? It still is and always will be.?

You asked me the same question last weekend. ? I didn't knowing I’d be dealing with the circumstances I’m dealing with. with all of the cowardly, fear-based, spineless, self-gratifying, soulless shells of humans at URDS, Maddin Hauser and Lemonade. It's good that I am, for the long run, because i Get to make examples out of them. They are the epitome and the ushers to the dystopia you and your brother’s generation are walking into, who will stop at nothing to show the fake little world around them that they have value, because deep down they know they’re worthless. ?It sucks for our now, but when I'm done with them, it should open up a portal to the a future worth living for you and your generation.

These poor excuse for humans cannot win against me. The path to the better your better future, that I know find myself affixed to for the rest of my human life has a win for us that was written in the stars, long before me you or your brother were born. If they had access to any semblance of truth withing them, they would have paid for what they've stolen, admitted their missteps and began their own individual and collective, as companies, pathways of growth. I would have supported it.

Instead, they've relegated themselves to their fear. People like me, people like us, scare them.? It’s ironic? because it’s only through people like us that they may ever get to know the strength they have inside because they’re too week or broken or scared to exhibit the courage and perseverance it would take for them to access it.? Rather than embrace the fact that someone has the courage that they don’t, and support it, the worst and most egotistical amongst us, because they hate themselves, view us as a threat to their already, self-manifested, self-perceived worthless existence. ?

This is where that saying, misery loves company comes from.? Because the majority of the globe has been wired to feel small, worthless and fear-driven, rather than consider sacrificing for a better existence, for a future that, if not for them, for their children, would be worth living, they shrivel and melt away into the pile of sludge they were conditioned to believe they are. Rather than stand firm for the love they tell their children they have for them, which would be a true exhibition of unconditional love, they choose to further the lies they’ve been told about themselves and the world around them fee, to better about themselves in the moment, knowing damn well they're living a lie. ?

They know money is worthless and their drive for it even more so. The way we’ve all been taught to strive for it only shits on and stands in antithesis to the love and connection that we all crave in this pile of lies that we call our lives. However, they’re too weak and broken to do anything about it.? They don’t believe in themselves, so they move toward whatever will give their ego that metaphorical pat on the back so that they can present the image outwardly to whoever will believe their lies, that they have value.? Because the world we live in is promulgated on lies and fear, it’s easy for them to find others equally small in self-perceived value, and with that validation, they’ll drive them, me, you guys, and the rest of this planet to its destruction, as long as they can find a scapegoat to point a finger at and blame the outward destruction of all that is on anything but themselves. ? They can do that to themselves, but not to us. Not on my fuckin watch honey.?

I know what I’m doing out here and I don’t give a fuck what anybody has to say about it, your mom included.? I appreciate the slack she’s picked up, but for the life of her she can’t realize that it’s only slack; slack that she's subconsciously using to strangle any chance for a real life, rather than just an existence of bare minimums, out of her future. Her actions the other day are proof positive of what I’m speaking of.?

If you and Vinny to be able to identify behavior like this in the future, so you don’t judge or succumb to it, you need not look further than her reaction to an irrelevant dentist appointment and what that could have led to if I were on the same psychological plane as her. To instantly gratify her rage, unjustified rage that is really just misdirected anger toward herself for the state of her existence up until this point, she turned it toward me. I'm not perfect and in the moment, I couldn't help but laugh at her, and on the way out the door I threw a verbal jab at her I knew would sting. I haven't Christ consciousness yet obviously. However, on my end, that's growth that turned a toxic situation into a moment I can be apologetic for and even sympathize and empathize with your for. Unfortunately, it is emblematic of the programming and current state of humanity.

In her rage toward herself and life she has succumbed to, she turned it toward me and attempted to condemn the sacrifice I've made for you and Vinny and the world at large. It was a ridiculous attempt where she used tactics that only had value to perpetuate a trauma bond that I consider ancient history in my life; something I've grown from, rather than point a finger at, play victim to and blame. In the past, I would have given her the vile, toxic response she was looking for. Then we could have shared our misery together. She would have gotten to justify her victim status and I would have supported it in apology to the venom I knew was wrong, but in my anger and conditioning, couldn't control. We would have both succumb to playing victims of circumstance, perpetuating the first two toxic levels of human consciousness, victim/victimizer, oppressed/oppressor, the sick/the healer, etc.

To succumb to that would have been to further all of the suffering that I say that I stand against, so my instant gratification had to be quashed in the name of the greater good. If I encounter that again, with anyone, maybe I can exit the situation with healing words, rather than a quick jab said in jest, but also meant to sting.

Although not perfect, in my current state of awareness, I was able to witness your mother literally imagining that I was saying things that never exited my mouth. In all honesty, what she imagined I said as I was walking out the door calmly while she was trying to push me out, was the furthest thing from my thought process. Because I understand how the brain works, both viscerally and academically, I know that she was triggered and living out scenarios in her brain that didn't exist in reality. In her internal reality, her feelings were justified, but externally she appeared insane to me and anyone who may have witnessed, and if she were able to play it back free from triggers, she would agree.

You guys probably witnessed that a lot from me when I was with my ex. I knew that there was a lie serving as the undercurrent to our relationship. rather than walk away from the toxicity of that feeling and, what ultimately wound up being true, I stayed in the relationship and projected the triggered rage outward. The truth is I was really angry at myself for not doing the healthy thing and cutting ties when I knew that it was a toxic situation for me. I chose to live a lie.

I don't blame myself for it, in the same way I don't blame your mother for her behavior the other day. Without recognizing out faulty wiring within ourselves and one another, we will never grow past it. There is a ruling class that feed off of this. hat's why I Non-judgmental awareness is a superpower. I'm trying my best to perfect it?in the hope that it becomes more second nature for you, your brother and anyone else who bares witness. You two being who and what you are internally makes me optimistic that it is occurring.

I’ll finish my mini-book to you guys later.? I’ll break? the down the nuances in behavior aforementioned another time. In short, when triggered, there's a section in our left brain responsible for logic and linear thought that goes offline. A section in our right brain comes online that is responsible for taking un immediate imagery and compartmentalizing the visuals. What that means is, when triggered, we live a different reality that our brain sees in real time, but that doesn't exist externally and we react to it accordingly. In that state of hypervigilance, blood doesn't flow to the neocortex in our brains, which is the part of our brain that makes us human. The frontal lobe is where all of our good human characteristics lie.

In the state of anger or fear, we are nowhere near accessing the best parts of ourselves. There is a ruling class that feeds off of keeping us in this state of self-division, which ultimately leads to self-hatred that we project outward. To blame anyone for their programming is counter-productive. Because I know how toxic the blame/judgement game is, it has taken me longer than expected to do the work I know I'm on this planet to do. I could have went the blame and justice route as soon as the infringement on me was brought to the surface. To do soi would have given us comfort, but it also would have perpetuated the future, I'm trying to prevent you guys from having to walk into.

I have to stay the course with, who will remain the cowards in my perception, until such time, or if they ever morph into better versions of themselves. I hope you guys at least kind of understand. You guys already know this stuff. It’s engrained in you.? I see that clearly. But it helps to understand. ?If you understand, then you can be intentional with your actions and really serve to manifest a better existence for the world around you. In essence, it will help you to illuminate the space you occupy, while you have the miracle of life to occupy it.

I love you both of you mare than anything.? Like I said, my door is always open to you both, even I don’t have one.? I realize there is the possibility I’ll be one of those people whose spiritual compass people will only access a visceral understanding of through an untimely demise.? I hope that is not the case. I'd rather live for my cause than die for it. If it should serve to be true and it manifests a better existence for you to and your generation, so be it. It is what it is.

I can’t abandon ship for the instant gratification of playing what the world is programmed to perceive as a "good dad." What I’m sacrificing for right now is far more important than any dentist appointment, or day at cedar point, or a life of just barely providing the bare necessities to you guys.? I won’t look in yours and Vinny’s eyes and lie to you, even with world around me supporting the lie, and also knowing that you and Vinny would never know any better, to tell you that to live in accordance with this fear based system of lack and imitation we’ve been sold, makes me a good dad.? The slack that most call life is only valuable to the ruling class, in so much as it is a rope with which to hang humanity with.? ?

I no longer find? company in misery.? That makes me an outcast. I’m ok with that because it also gives me full access to every bit of strength I need to exhibit to you two and those with the clarity of vision to see what we’re capable of before I leave this planet.? That’s unconditional love honey.? Most people will never know how to exhibit it, or that they can live it. They'll never know that all of the accompaniments of what we perceive to be impossible resides there.? I know you guys know, even if you don’t? have the words to voice it, you know. I hope the world around us catches up.

So to that extent, I know you’re with me, even if not physically.? Just know that I’m always with you.? But my physical presence, while it’s here, is always available to both of you, should you call upon me to delver it. Just know that it might not be the roller coasters we enjoy right now.? lol.? It’s a different kind of roller coaster, but if you place love over fear, it's far more enjoyable.? Just recognize that we’re gonna need to clean up the world around us’ vomit from time to time.?

We’ll get back to fun at some point.? If you want to hang out this weekend I’m all yours. ? I’ll probably be cleaning up vomit though, so don’t feel obligated.? I know you’re both there. Selfishly though I’ll drop whatever I’m doing to spend a minute with you guys.? Just let me know.? Good night honey. ?I hope it’s goodnight.? You better not be awake right now.? lol. Love you guys.?

?? I'll do something. I don't have any plans

?? Love you night

Me - I knew you were still awake punk… the same way I know you understand … gotta take the good with the bad.? lol.? Love you.? Good night?