An Open Letter to 2020

Dear 2020,

Life is simply too short and too precious to wish away a year. This doesn’t come from a position of false positivity. I am only too aware of the sadness and challenges that 2020 has given to us all.

30th May 2020, about 1pm, my mother was summoned to the nursing home. My father had been diagnosed with Covid 19 the week before, he was very poorly. Whilst I never like to lose hope, pragmatism had started to seep in. I met my mother there, as we couldn’t travel in a car together. I ensured she was completely PPE’d up before she went in for her 15-minute visit.

After 20 minutes, my mother leant out of his top floor window and said, “Emma I don’t want to leave him.” Ofcourse she didn’t want to leave, it was her husband of 57 years. For the previous 10 years, following his horrific brain damage, she had visited him everyday for 5-8 hours to give him his food, for his personal care, to read to him and watch dvds..all to make him feel as comfortable as he could be. And yet now, I had to reply, “Mum you have to come back down now…..” She replied, “I can’t leave him.”

The risk was humongous. All but two of the residents in the nursing home had tested positive; it was rife. It may have only been another 10 minutes or so, but those 10 minutes were the worst of my life. Knowing that I was unlikely to see my father again; the man who had devoted his life to his family, the man that means so much to me, and yet not having been able to see him for many weeks before because of lockdown. And also, it was my mum, the risk of her catching it- so many feelings of sadness and so angry with the virus that I was having to say she couldn’t be with him.

Since dad’s heart operation which went wrong, he had been left physically and mentally incapable. I had done whatever I could to help him and mum, continually finding soultions, making the best of any situation. Whether it was ensuring he had the right care; battles with Primary Trust for funding; helping mum with their paperwork and affairs- anything that could make things a little lighter or better for them, after everything they have done for me it was the very least I could do… and yet in this moment there was nothing I could do to make things better.

After the 10 minutes, she came downstairs. We stood a few metres apart. She was upset. I couldn’t hug her; I couldn’t get close to her. I needed her to get home as quick as possible to change all her clothes, wash thoroughly. I remember looking at her bewildered face behind a mask and visor, and there was me giving directions to her to not touch her face, to disinfect the car… some may think seemingly heartless practical advice – it was the complete opposite it was completely from the heart wanting to protect her. That afternoon dad seemed a little more settled.

Sadly, he died the following morning, he wasn’t strong enough to fight the virus.  It was 7am, once again, I could only sit outside at my mother’s house, many metres apart, not allowed to give her hug, or make her a drink, such simple things that so often we take for granted. I had to tell my sister in Australia over facetime, knowing she couldn’t travel back either due to travel restrictions. Heart-breaking to see her so upset, we were both so close to dad in wonderfully similar and yet so different ways. And that was how it had to continue for funeral arrangements, or any kind of support for the many weeks after, all via zoom or at a distance.

This isn’t a letter of sadness though, this is a letter of gratitude. 

It was important to give context of a year that has been filled with uncertainty, sadness, challenges, frustrations and so many other emotions too. A month or so ago I became very aware of hearing people say, ‘let’s write off the year’, ‘let’s cancel this year’, more recently ‘let’s cancel Christmas’. I wholeheartedly understand these sentiments, at times I have found myself drifting to similar thoughts. I have stopped myself. As life is simply too short and too precious to wish time away.

There is so much, all around us, to be grateful for every day. Thank you 2020 for re-connecting and reminding us of things to be grateful for.

Thank you 2020 for helping us to be creative and curious, finding solutions to the ongoing restrictions and challenges we are faced with. I remember after a couple of weeks or so of visiting mum outside after dad had died; I was determined to be able to share a glass of wine with her. It is a small thing…. However, we measured the safe distance, put a table between us, gloves and masks at the ready, took my own glass and we managed it. We even took a photo for the album to remember what we had to do to share a glass of wine in 2020! It didn’t just mean we shared a glass of wine though; it meant we smiled, it meant we found ways to find a little bit of fun and positivity in what was an otherwise a desperate situation.

Thank you 2020 for a renewed appreciation of nature. During a lockdown walk, I remember saying “the trees are greener this year.” They weren’t greener, I just hadn’t noticed them before in the busyness of everyday life. I found myself taking so many more pictures on my phone, the sunsets seemed more vivid, the rain was so fresh, even the bitterly wind on my face was welcomed.

Thank you 2020 for Zoom quizzes; have I just said that !!!!….yes, I know we are all pretty pleased as they tailed off (!)- it was pretty full on to begin with, but in those early days, they also reminded us of how small the world can be when we have technology. So many times, I thought to myself, and heard others say, imagine if this was 10/15 years ago… when we maybe didn’t have the same accessibility to FaceTime, zoom, smartphones. I am so grateful of how most of the time it was easy to connect with each other virtually. Thank you 2020 for giving us, ‘I think you are on mute’, ‘Can you hear me?’ and that old chestnut ‘My camera isn’t working….!’ ..We all know it is!

Thank you 2020 for a wonderful reminder of the importance of talking and sharing with friends, family, colleagues. The importance of checking in. The importance of taking time to pause and acknowledge how different things will impact different people in so many different ways. Some people are thriving with remote working, some people are missing the social connectivity; importantly so many more conversations about how we can make this work in the future, a hybrid way of working.

Thank you 2020 for allowing many of us to be a little more aware of looking after ourselves. Admittedly this took Lockdown 1 of excessive drinking, (!) to then make wiser health choices for Lockdown 2. And now it allows me to be annoyingly smug with friends, as I am on 130th day of 5 miles a day walking… and less than 12 units of alcohol a week as well- who knew I could meet a government guideline which I had previously somewhat ignored! 

Thank you 2020 for allowing my positivity and belief in others to have had a positive impact. I have welled up so many times whether through feedback, interactions or emails, individuals have shared how something I have said or done has made a difference to them. 2020 you have inspired me to want to continue to do more in 2021 and beyond!

Thank you 2020 for so many phenomenal connections with incredible humans. Infact, that is you reading this now. It was lots of hard work and very long hours to switch to virtual, to ensure we still provided the best possible learning experience. And we did it. We were able to spend time with 1000s of people, invited into their homes to give bursts of learning energy. To provide learning…. it was so much more than learning … it was a space filled with positivity, new perspectives, ideas, laughter, care, support, passion, distractions, surprises and above all a big dose of kindness. 

Thank you 2020 for those individuals who have supported me, guided me, offered counsel, listened to me, encouraged me, laughed with me (oh… that is with me not at me!)…allowed me to cry, who have understood me. Most of these people will know who you are. There are also many of you that won’t know that you have had a positive impact that I am grateful for, especially on Linked In. The silent connectivity we so often have- when I have read a quote or article that you have posted and I may not have pressed liked or acknowledged, however it has had an impact, made me think differently, given me hope, generated ideas… the wonderful ripple effect that I am grateful for, so thank you to you too.

Oh…. I could keep going. I hope in this short (relatively short!) open letter to 2020, I am able to show and share that even when facing adversity, there is always something to be grateful for. The more we take time to think about what we are grateful for; the more we will find to be grateful for. Thank you 2020 for showing how important an attitude of gratitude is.

And for now, there is a final thank you as we come to the end of 2020. 

Thank you to my dad. Thank you for helping me to have strength of character to deal with the ups and downs on 2020. Strength doesn’t always mean ‘strong’ it also means being able to share and show my emotions, it is about being more confident and prouder of my sensitivity or being able to share my positivity with others. Thank you, dad, for your belief in me. I will also always continue to keep hold of my unwavering belief in others; I marvel at the potential of others and if I can be the tiniest catalyst to help individuals to realise and release their potential- then dad, it is because and for you. Thank you 2020 for giving me the opportunity to make my mum and dad proud.

A heartfelt thank you to you all, I am so grateful that we have connected in 2020.

My best wishes for a safe end to the year filled with gratitude,

Emma xx