The Only Way Out Is In

Life has a certain way for throwing spanners in all our best laid plans. Unforeseen circumstances and life events have ways of distracting us from our goals and dreams. In my previous post we talked about “stuck life conditions” and how they can hijack one’s life.

When life hits hard, some hit back, some crumble, some quit. There is no one right way to respond but there is one common thread – the only way out is in(wards). Many people look for answers outside of themselves as their first solution: be it something or someone to blame, some miracle solution or some way to regain control.

A more empowering way forward is to first look inwards. Looking within oneself (i.e. self-reflection) is an age-old way to seek answers to life’s challenges but seldom used as a first resource but as a last resort.

Self-reflection involves going through a thorough examination of one’s role in creating the situation at hand. However, looking inwards does not mean dwelling on self-pity or self-blame, although it is common for someone when he/she is first reflecting.

Many times, challenging and/or unexpected and unwanted situations brings up confusion, emotions and unresolved communication. These have to be processed for things to change for the better or the situation will likely persist or repeat itself. Unprocessed emotions or communication tend to hang up in the psyche/mind and create obstacles towards a better life.

In my experience, the inner work involves the following, usually in the order presented below:

1) Understanding the situation

To be able to make a start to clear the confusion, there is a need to first understand the situation completely. Some questions that can help include:

- What does one know about the situation currently?

- Which areas of the situation are clear and which are unclear?

- Who is involved in the situation and what is the state and dynamics of the relationship and understanding with these significant people?

- What are your goals and what are the obstacles to them?

2) Resolving unfinished communication

More often than not, unwanted situations will involve other people. Upsets and negative emotions usually build up either when one feels misunderstood or when there is a breakdown in communication. Criticalness, blame and victim states tend to be the first reactions when this happens.

Often the strong emotions one feels about others are actually one’s feelings about how one feels about the relationships with those people. When the state of these relationships are resolved, one can regain the energy used to maintain the charge between oneself and others and redirect it towards creating a better life.

3) Looking at one’s own contribution to the situation

When in a victimised state, many people will be unable or unwilling to take on the onerous, but necessary, task of self-reflection. There will be too much emotions and confusion to have the capacity or ability to do so.

Usually after the above steps in 1 and 2 are addressed, it becomes easier for one to take responsibility for one’s part in the crisis. Importantly, the ownership of one’s contribution should not come from a place of victimising oneself. It should be from a place of power of knowing who one is, coupled with an acknowledgement that one is human, and is now making a choice to move forward.

This process of looking at one’s own contribution includes self-inspecting on the things that one should have done or failed to do with regard to the situation. This step is entirely a self-assessment and not based on someone else’s standards.

To complete the above three steps may take anything from a few days to a few weeks, even months or years, depending on the acuteness and length of the situation in question. The longer the situation has been stuck, the longer it generally takes.

For those whose timeline to resolving their issues are longer, a combination of inner work as described above with outer work in getting things done in real life generally works best.

Whether you do the above by yourself or with the assistance of a coach/counsellor/therapist, the bottomline is that most of the answers to life’s challenges come from within you. Knowing who you are amidst all the storms will make all the difference in how you react or respond.