The Only Way to Change Behaviour

A few weeks ago, I shared three slogans to make you a better leader in three minutes – in case you missed it, I’ve put the link at the end of this article.?

This week, I’m going to say some more about the first one, which revealed The Only Way to Change Other People’s Behaviour…

It doesn't matter whether it's a direct report, a customer, a boss, an audience or a team. There is only one way to change other people's behaviour, whoever it is:

You need to change your behaviour in relation to their behaviour.

This is both bad news and good news. The bad news is that what you are doing or saying may be the very thing keeping a problem in place. The good news is you therefore have the power to change it.

This first became clear to me after a fascinating afternoon talking to a top dog trainer. She let me in on the biggest secret of her trade: dog training is not for the dog.?

It’s for the owner.

Dogs are uncooperative because of the cues they get from their humans.

She gave a simple example: “If the dog stands in front of the TV, most people shout: ‘Get out of the way, Alfie!'”

“But – contrary to the way people the world over behave – dogs don’t understand human language. At least not the way we mean it. To Alfie, this shouting is not a warning to move. It’s actually welcome attention. From it, Alfie learns that if he wants more attention, all he has to do is stand in front of the TV...

“What the owner should do is: look for and encourage Alfie's positive behaviour, even if it happens accidentally. For example, wait for Alfie to sit somewhere away from the TV screen, and then make a fuss of rewarding him. Now when Alfie wants attention he can go to that spot.

“I teach dog owners to amplify helpful behaviours and not give oxygen to unhelpful ones. That way, the helpful stuff starts to crowd out the unhelpful.

“And it works with humans, too,” she confided.

(Just as she said this, I noticed her husband putting a cup of tea on the table beside me. He looked over to his wife, who nodded approvingly, and then he trotted happily back into the kitchen. And then she winked at me.)

Joking apart, there’s a very important lesson here. Amplifying helpful responses, and simply withholding oxygen from unhelpful ones, is an effective way to shape unfolding circumstances. In other words: if you want to change behaviour, Start With What Works.?

Apparently, most dog owners are not naturals at this: they tend to focus on what isn’t working, be it the dog pulling on their lead or barking at passers-by. The trainer made it clear that if you can change the owners, the dogs change too.?

The same goes for leadership. Leaders tend to pride themselves on their problem-solving ability: looking for what is not working and rushing in to fix it. Less often do they look for what IS working and seek to amplify it and spread it around the organization (for a free chapter of my book, Start With What Works: a faster way to grow your business, see the link in the comments).

One of my favourite questions to ask leaders looking to make a big leap forward is, “What kind of leader do you want to be?” There’s something about this question that precipitates change. And as the leader changes, so does the world around them.

Previous issue: Be a better leader in just three minutes.