The Only Strategy You Need to Win Your Divorce (without Court)

The “lawyer up and fight” divorce is not just a losing strategy — it’s playing Russian roulette with your life. Get the playbook for a kinder, easier and cheaper divorce.

I’ve been a family lawyer for 17 years. First as a Certified Family Law Specialist and law firm owner, and now as the CEO and Founder of Hello Divorce. I’ve handled every type of case imaginable — from litigating multi-million dollar messes to serving as a private judge in contested child custody cases and mediating divorces to a win-win resolution — even when one spouse has a mental health issue or there’s a serious power imbalance between them.

And here’s what I’ve learned.?Virtually everyone has two divorce goals in common.

1. Minimize the financial impact and emotional toll.
2. Set oneself (and kids) up with a solid foundation to bounce back and thrive in the next chapter.

And yet,?the way we “resolve” divorces in the US (for the most part) destroys families?instead of helping to reorganize them in a way that sets everyone up for a happier, healthier next chapter.

Why is divorce so expensive?

Americans spend $30 billion every year on divorce lawyer fees. The average divorce costs $15k to $20k and lasts 17 months. And that’s for the approximate 30% who can afford one to begin with. The majority of people have had to navigate a broken system on their own.

Divorce is expensive and the goal should be damage control. Instead, we’ve created a culture of?never-ending negotiations and court battles, $10k+ in fees, months and years of uncertainty, and increased animosity and distrust between spouses.

It’s not because divorce lawyers are vengeful, ego-driven a-holes (although we all know there are a few of those, too). It’s because divorce professionals have traditionally approached divorce the way we handle other areas of law: start with your best-case scenario and negotiate from there.?“Go big or go home.”?Combine that strategy with a system itself that is antiquated, a black box (highly fragmented, offline process where lawyers hide behind a fortress of information) and you have a process that takes advantage of our fears and is adversarial even from the start. (A random process server showing up on your doorstep doesn’t exactly make you feel warm and fuzzy inside; “You’ve been sued” or you are the “defendant” puts us on the defense from the start — and not in the frame of mind to try and work something out.)

A winning divorce strategy

A “go big or go home” approach to divorce is a recipe for failure all around. A winning strategy involves compromise, listening, cooperation, and a focus on the outcome being in the best interests of those involved (especially children). Let’s look at a winning divorce strategy in practice.

???Going after your “best case” scenario in divorce is playing Russian roulette with your life.?It doesn’t align with best-case-scenario goals at all. It brings out the worst in everyone, prolongs uncertainty and leads to fighting, which is expensive and wreaks havoc on everyone’s emotions. It destroys any goodwill left and negatively impacts the goal of a functional co-parenting relationship. It’s also contrary to common sense because lawyers know that?no one gets a windfall. The system isn’t set up to give anyone everything they want. It’s a?massive waste of time?to expect that outcome.

When you take two people who at one time were passionate enough about each other to get married, buy a home, have children, etc., there’s a lot of emotion. Most people don’t aim to screw over their former partner. But they are experiencing an intense fear — transition is unsettling, splitting one pot into two is terrifying, and emotional triggers are at an all-time high. When people are emotional, they often react impulsively, defensively and desperately.

Divorce negotiations don’t need to be this way.?Here’s the strategy that thousands of people are now using at?Hello Divorce?to put their needs higher on the priority list without spiraling into a disastrous mess (a la?Marriage Story).

1. Start with ground rules

You don’t have to agree on anything at this point except for one thing: integrity. You might explain this to your ex by saying something like, ‘We will do everything we can to stay out of court and put our kids in the center — not the middle. We want to exit this marriage with integrity so that we can look back and celebrate what went right and start our next chapter from experience.” That’s it. The rest will come.

2. Build trust not further erode it

No longer do you have to work at fixing your marriage. That’s over and that’s okay. There’s actually a much smaller problem to solve now: how to unwind your partnership so you can each go your separate ways.

Use the power of technology to simplify all the legal logistics and make the process transparent and easy so everyone feels reassured and avoids missteps.?A digital experience of an online divorce creates ‘wins’ along the way — not controversy. No one?wants?a long, messy, expensive divorce. Hello Divorce software quickly helps you start the mandatory stuff (forms, filing/serving, document collection) that can feel overwhelming and instead breaks it up into steps that help you make forward progress. You don’t even need to involve your spouse in a lot of the initial forms required to begin your divorce. Our online platform helps you avoid the confusion and conflict that are common in traditional divorce.

3. Clear path to resolution (aim for the middle)

Most people agree on at least one thing during divorce — so let’s start there. When we fight for our best-case scenario , it’s not only unrealistic but it’s also a huge gamble. Spending thousands for an extra $50/month in child support is often not only a terrible investment but it means you can’t plan for your future (where you’ll live or what extracurriculars your kids get enrolled in). It’s also likely that you’ll wait to have your case turned over to a judge who knows virtually nothing about your case except what they see on paper.

The solution? Transparency. Give everyone the information they need to feel confident making decisions that account for their needs and at least some of their wants. One of our most important goals at Hello Divorce is to provide tools and content that help everyone understand what a fair resolution looks like. We share data on what others who have been through divorce have done before you — what’s worked and what hasn’t.

In other words, Hello Divorce uses technology to give people the confidence to navigate all stages of divorce and have peace of mind. Divorce isn’t brain surgery — but it’s also not easy, especially if you don’t understand the tangle of legal processes, terms, and state laws.

While our online platform aims to streamline a DIY process, many clients opt for help as needed with issues like complicated finances, parenting rights, and other areas of conflict. Hello Divorce connects you with experts as necessary to broker a deal — not ramp up conflict with statements like, “You?deserve ____.”

Our experts (CDFAs, mediators, lawyers, and divorce/life coaches) are available at affordable, flat or hourly rates and are already part of the Hello Divorce team, so no need to keep resharing your information or looking for a top-rated professional in your area. You can connect with them virtually at the time and place that works for you, with our without your spouse

The Bottom Line

95% of divorces settle without a contested trial. And in my experience, most end up in the range of a fair settlement. So, the odds are in your favor — let’s just skip the mess along the way and get right to the heart (sorry) of the matter. Everyone deserves a clear process to end their marriage.?Your divorce should not send you spiraling into financial and emotional chaos — it should empower a better life ahead.