If Only Letting Go Was So Easy

Life continues to show us how temporary our experiences are and how the things that we experience are in a continuous flux of change. That’s the reality. It maybe??how we think about the weather, our feelings, the way we feel about where we work and live, or how our relationships are, and so on. What we have to understand is at some point all that exists physically either dies, deteriorates, develops, or evolves in some way. Nothing stays the same for ever. Nothing lasts forever.

Our mindset is the only thing that can remain stuck without moving forward. We humans have an in built ability to get attached to?the way we want things to be, expectations, and find it challenging to be with the way things are, and instead go with the flow.?Sometimes we want our romantic relationship to be the same as it was when it first started, or wish our child could still be that sweet?innocent child when it was younger, or crave that life can go back to the way it was, a sense of normality before something such as the ‘pandemic’ happened.?Many people’s mindset is that of how they are telling themselves how they are “suffering” on a daily basis, this thought process has been having a negative impact on the mental health of our communities. We all have thoughts, it’s what we do with them that’s important. There’s no denying the losses people have faced, whether they’re tangible, such as losing relationships and money, or intangible, like losing the life you thought you’d have. Yet, if we’re still here, we have the potential to face reality and move forward.

We when get ‘stuck’ on how you think things are “supposed to be” and refusing to accept the way things are can be the biggest blocks that prevent you from moving forward. The consequences of this attachment can be depression, anger, anxiety, and a general feeling of ‘there’s no hope’. Dealing with loss is not going to be comfortable, as I have experienced since the passing of my Mum in August 2021, and we need to accept that. The question to ask yourself is, do you have the courage to face the truth, deal with your discomfort and move past the situation?

It’s also OK to ask for support. Unfortunately, many people wait until they reach ‘rock bottom’ before taking action, or seeking help from a loved one or a therapist, such as me. I am a great believer that we should be taught to understand some simple concepts about life whilst at school, as this would allow us to seek support?faster or find our own inner resources to deal?with life’s unexpected situations.

When we let go of our attachment, we normally go through stages. If we’re unaware, we can get stuck in our attachment for years. Or we could understand what’s required of us to develop the mindset to let go and move on. If you are serious about letting go these simple tips can help you identify the stages of letting go and what’s needed to move forward. You can use these to move forward and change the way you may think about?your post-pandemic circumstances, or to step?forward from any loss you are dealing with, in comfort and without fear.

FACE IT!

Words are powerful and saying something like ‘Face It, Just Do It, Get on With It’ may sound simple, but this can be the hardest step. It’s much easier to keep thinking that things are unfair, or that life wasn’t supposed to be this way, or that the situation is so wrong, than to fully face reality. Staying angry has an element of denial or fear. When you’re in the midst of blaming, you can’t think of a solution and can pretend you don’t have to deal with it. To face a challenging situation, set an intention to look at it objectively, even if it’s uncomfortable. One thing you can do is to take a deep breath and imagine you’re looking at your situation from a place of overview, as if you’re an observer of your reality. Look at all angles, the way it is for you and for your loved ones, and look at what options are available. Give yourself the opportunity to love and accept yourself.

ACCEPT THE PARTS YOU DON’T LIKE

Now you’ve faced reality, it’s time to let go of judgement. We all know that it’s easy to be with the parts of life that we like and want, it’s what is sometimes termed as being in your ‘comfort zone’. Yet, life is going to throw us a variety of experiences, and we need to be able to accept the parts of life we don’t want. An easy way to understand acceptance is to think of it like meditation or mindfulness, being aware of your thoughts and feelings. Just be with the fact that something happened, without trying to make it right or wrong. Just as you can become mindful of these words you’re reading or the food that you’re eating right now, become mindful to the situation you’re in. As challenging as it was, it’s already happened, and the only thing you can do now is to move forward from this point. Moving forward doesn’t mean reducing the loss, it can mean you honour the richness of your experience and move on with more wisdom and learning. Be mindful that when you choose to do something that you do it with a positive intent, which means you choose to do it because the expectation is that it will turn out the way you want it to turn out, in a positive way.

PROCESS YOUR EMOTIONS

It’s inevitable for you to feel emotional about letting go of something you cherished. Feeling emotions is a natural part of life and it’s much healthier to allow yourself to feel them fully than to avoid them. All emotions are supposed to be a temporary experience of “energy-in-motion”. We are all made of energy, and energy always changes. If you’re feeling?emotions of sadness, helplessness, anger, fear or anything else, permit yourself to process these emotions by accepting they’re there and taking deep breaths to move it out rather than ignoring or suppressing them. It’s OK to feel emotions and allow them to move through you, no matter how long it takes to do this. It’s normally the fear and pain that we may experience of letting go that tends to hold us back from making the changes that we need to make.

TRUST YOU HAVE THE RESOURCES TO DEAL WITH IT

We’re all born with inner resources of strength, courage, creativity, and faith that you can channel to let go. If you think about any challenging situation of the?past and how you overcame it, you’ll find?access to these resources. When people are anxious, they often feel fearful that they can’t?deal with the worst-case scenario. The truth?is that you can and you will, just as you’ve dealt?with many worst-case scenarios in the past.?We all have this thing called the ‘subconscious mind’ which stores everything that you have experienced in our lives. It’s like a ‘computer hard drive’ and may have folders in where you have placed your memories, experiences etc, and sometimes these are so well hidden, or you forgot where you have put them that you can’t find them. Your subconscious mind is there to protect you, and will always keep you safe.

Trust that even if it means you’ll be less well off, financially, or your lifestyle will be different, or you are no longer friends with someone, or have suffered a bereavement you have the tools to deal with what life has to offer. I often ask clients to remember a moment where they felt unstoppable, and relive that experience?so they can re-live those feelings in their?body, and then tap into that state when required, especially at night before going to sleep.?Additionally, you can keep saying to yourself that “I trust I have the tools to powerfully deal with what comes my way”. A simple Affirmation which can be repeated on a daily basis.

FUTURE-PACE

Visualising is a great way to making changes. Imagine moving forward. If you can move forward in your mind and imagine solutions or visualise your life six months later and see how you dealt with your challenge, it indicates you can move forward in reality. In order for you to move in that direction, your?mind first needs to conceive the possibility of?being at peace. Imagine what life can look like after you’ve accepted your loss, whether it be that you can’t travel, or your relationship with someone is done. When you?can finally imagine a future where you’ve?faced reality and moved forward without any emotional charges, you’ll feel an immense sense of peace.

Be kind and compassionate to yourself while going through these stages of letting go, and take it one step at a time. It’s OK to go back and forth as we move through these stages. We have layers and layers of emotions, just like an onion has layers. Every time we process a thought, we’re addressing a layer, so we can’t really regress in our evolution. Remember, we all have thoughts, it’s what we do with them that’s important. If you feel as if your emotions are taking over you, or?find it difficult to gain an objective viewpoint,?seek support from a professional, such as me.?

Seeking help is a great sign of being resourceful, as you’re already making a start to think of solutions. At Togetherness Therapy, I take my clients through these stages, and support them to reach resolutions by working with both their conscious awareness and their?subconscious.

TERENCE LIBURD

Mindfulness Cognitive Therapist

www.togethernesstherapy.co.uk