Ongoing Process of Healing

Our TV in the living room has a default setting for a Google Photos scroll, which is a great way for our kids to recall fun memories and see their growth.

There are a few selfies I took in early 2022 that pop up occasionally in the feed which are a stark visual reminder of the pain I was in most of that year. I’d like to say that out of kindness no one said anything about how bad the beard choice was, but no I just ignored a material number of comments :).

This week my 6 year-old saw a photo from 2022 juxtaposed to a more recent photo of me and commented “sad Dad and happy Dad.”

In 2022 I was both bewildered by and ashamed of how I felt. I had every external reason to be happy, but I felt dead inside. My brain was wired for outcomes…constantly seeking the next accomplishment or life stage, but unsatisfied once I arrived.

I’ve since learned that a few key dynamics were at play…

• Undiagnosed sleep apnea. I woke up 68 times/hr during my test.
• Undiagnosed ADHD. After two of our boys were diagnosed I was tested as well and it explained SO MUCH about my entire life. (like driving 75 miles to Expo West and forgetting my driver’s license, and then doing it AGAIN the next year when my team texted me multiple times jokingly reminding me to bring it.)
• Mind/body disconnection exacerbated by distractibility and numbing behaviors.

There were many other variables, but the combination of sleep apnea and ADHD is a brutal concoction that left me in a fog of exhaustion and depression that I didn’t share with many people.

Today as I see those photos and write about that time, the emotion wells up in me as I remember the despondency and confusion that I felt combined with the feeling of responsibility to perform as a strong leader in my job, as a husband/father, and in a visible church assignment (my kids have nearly an entire photo album of me sleeping in front of the congregation…I fought it as best I could lol).

I’d like to say everything is better and healed, but generally life doesn’t work that way outside of ad copy. There are no magic pills.

However, I’ve made incredible strides and I FEEL so much better on a daily basis than I have in years while I continue to do the inner work that will build a foundation for my second half of life.

For anyone reading this that is in a dark mental place, please remember that how you feel today is temporary. It’s real and it’s valid, but it is NOT forever. You will have bright moments again. There is hope and healing and fighting for your health is worth it.

A few variables have made a big difference for me, besides obviously getting my sleep more regulated and learning how to manage my ADHD.

This will look different for someone else, but maybe there’s a spark of an idea…

1. Working with Coach Ari Ehrlich, JD on strengthening my mind/body connection through an intuitive and compassionate approach that is really unique and has been immensely helpful for me to make progress in multiple areas of my life. If you’re curious book an intro session with him here: https://calendly.com/ariehrlich/60min-strategy-call
2. Core values work with a therapist (amongst other work). Understanding what really lights me up and then either changing or reframing my circumstances to be in alignment with those values. He’s not on the socials but happy to share a recommendation if you’re looking.
3. Finding healthier ways to fill the dopamine shortage in my brain. Less escapism, more cold plunges, music, and an Elliptigo (elliptical machine on bike tires essentially) that makes me feel good and others feel way cooler just by seeing me ride by.???
4. Connecting with other people who are on a journey to get healthy in all the ways. A Heare Brotherhood retreat last year was amazing for me, and live breath work sessions in the app a few times a week help ground me.

As I’ve been more open about my mental health I’ve discovered how many around in my network are experiencing similar and want to talk about it. Those deeper, real, raw 1:1 conversations can be a healing balm like nothing else.

5. Looking deep into what I’m blocking and having the scary conversations. As I work to reconcile the unspoken cognitive dissonance that underscores most “mid-life crisis” type experiences, I’ve had epiphany after epiphany that increases my awareness and helps me move forward.

I hope that’s helpful to someone! I’ve benefitted from similarly vulnerable posts from people who normalize the struggles and offer potential catalysts for positive change.

Every day brings different challenges and I have ups and downs, but prioritizing self care and putting work in these areas has built a new level of resiliency and comfort with ambiguity that gives me confidence I'll continue to heal going forward.

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