One year leading during the pandemic

April 22 2020 was my first day as executive director of TETO Brazil. When I first accepted the position in early March I was on a retreat disconnected from the outer world and with no idea of what would happen with the pandemic. Let's be honest, in a retreat or not, very few of us could phantom what has happened in the last year.

Having been a deeply committed volunteer of TETO for three years a few years back, I felt a very strong sense of responsibility in accepting such a challenging position at such a challenging time for an organization with a mission I care deeply about. 

With all of our core activities halted, right in my first month on the job, we had to make very tough decisions such as deciding how many and whom we would have to let go in order to survive. Right then and there it started to hit me how hard it would be. By any measure, in any kind of organization, leading is tough. Like most things in life, if you want to have a shot at doing decently you have to be able to be vulnerable, to trust people around you, to question and to trust yourself, to accept your shortfalls and mistakes, while at the same time deeply believing that you also can contribute from your place of strength, from your essence and experience. And let me tell you, that is a lot to realize!

As someone who is curious and enjoys reading, discovering, I learned, the hard way, that I tend to rely too much on the external search for the unknown. So, when I first started the job, naturally for me, also enrolled in 3 or 5 different courses. And even though I am still of course all for learning and searching, I overdid it. I was impatient with my own learning curve, I had unrealistic expectations about my own performance and even though I rationally thought all is okay, my insecurities were slowly eating away at my core energy. 

But 2020 kept us extremely busy, always on our toes, trying to figure it all out, and together the team did amazing things! And I kept moving forward without a lot of time to look inside and started operating on autopilot. During hard times it is painful and difficult to stop and look inside, we are afraid of the pain, of what kind of thoughts and feelings we might find. I know I was, even unconsciously. But it always comes back - there are always those moments where you are "invited" by the circumstances to stop and take a deep look at yourself. 

And my time came as I started doing coaching sessions with the incredible, Jimena Santis. She asked me tough questions about who I was as a leader and person, how I wanted to contribute to the mission of the organization, and what I was doing towards it. She allowed me a safe space to dwell on my questions and helped me find my way back to myself. I also had the privilege of having the support of my family and friends, and my mental health professional.

With Jimena's guidance, I was reminded of the richness of my own experiences and strengths and encouraged to acknowledge them in a way that I could once again tap into my energy and resources. It was hard and such a crucial step for me to start a journey of acceptance of my shortcomings and learning gaps in a way that does not stunt me or make me insecure but that fuels my curiosity and willingness to learn, sometimes even anew. 

Furthermore, I had the privilege of meeting and knowing so many amazing people in different fields across Latin America that were kind to share with me their experiences, struggles, lessons and to lend a kind ear to my questions and experiences. I met them through different programs (Georgetown's GCL program, Voces Vitales Argentina, and others) but always found safe spaces to just be. This exchange made me grow faster and stronger, it would not have been possible without them.

I also learned that who I am, my values in life, are completely connected to my leadership style, they are not separate, which can be hard, but can also be my strength. I discovered that I can lead from a place of humility, vulnerability, and potency.  

Even If I was for a time off balance, which I am sure will happen again, because that's what happens when we grow, when we step out of our comfort zones, I learned an enormous amount of things about myself and about others. I found new meaning in 'teamwork' with a group of people that developed trust and compassion for each other. 

2021 will continue to challenge everything we do, it will continue to expose the deep frailties of the unjust and unfair systems we have built, but I know now in my gut and in my heart that we can strive for better if we truly do it together, if we listen, include, open up ourselves to the unknown and do not take for granted things as they are. 

I am deeply grateful for all the support and encouragement I have received from my colleagues, friends, and family.

Thank you so much! The work continues!