One Year Abroad: My Iron Spine Has Been Upgraded to Titanium

This week is my birthday, which means that I’m introspective. I’ve also been away from home and out of my country for almost a year. So much in my life has changed and I probably learned more in this year alone that I did in the last 10.

Abroad You Are Your Nation

I think as an expat for the time being, a big lesson I’ve learned is that you carry your nationality everywhere. Up to this point, most of my life has been spent in New York City, with the exception of time I spent in South America when I was in my teens. New York City is a diverse place and it hums to a very different beat than most of the world.

Having been safe in my hometown and city, I took it for granted that people would form an impression of me just on, well, me. I know that’s incredibly na?ve. This year, I learned that abroad you are first your nation. And, only after people size you up initially based on your nationality and their preconceived ideas about it, will they begin to really see you for you. That was a lesson from my earlier years that I did not remember until now.

When I was young and living in Argentina, the taxi my family was in one evening was stopped by the police. At the time, the Falkland Islands war was happening. We were asked for our passports. I remember my father giving all of our passports to the officer who then began a diatribe about how despicable the United States is and how we should all die. I was petrified. I remember my mother telling my father to not take it and speak up. And, I remember my father turning to her in the back seat and telling her firmly that if we wanted to not have problems (i.e. get arrested or worse), we should all remain quiet.

Decades later, I forgot that experience. There is such a thing as American privilege. And simply because I’m an American, people overseas may feel compelled to educate me on their view as to the best or the worst of my nation. There are times when I most certainly see (and hear) what people’s thoughts are about the United States.

I always say to people traveling to my hometown of New York City for the first time that they’ll either love or hate it. I’ve never heard a middle-of-the-road opinion about New York. I think it’s the same with being an American expat. Some people will love you when they meet you. And, some others will feel it necessary to explain their point of view on what our wars, culture (i.e. Hollywood), capitalism, etc. have done to the world, their continent or country.

I asked friends who have lived abroad how they deal with it when it happens. The one thing I always hear consistently is, “let it go.” And, as one of my closest friends said, “Get over your American privilege.” It’s truly humbling and eye opening.

But then, as an American expat you can learn something that you’ve just never heard before and it becomes a little treasure. This is what I posted on my Facebook timeline late last year:

“Met an old man yesterday who asked for a pen to write me something. As he tried to get the pen to write, I asked in Spanish, “Does it work?” He turned to me and said he would teach me a more elegant way to ask the same question. He said, “Does the pen paint? ‘Does it work’ is very American. Work. A pen does not work. A pen paints. Writing is art.” He was a writer.”

Recently, I had a new European friend who has lived in the States tell me there’s a difference between the way Europeans think versus Americans. Americans will ask, “What can I do?” Europeans will ask, “Is it true?”

So, yes, we all take our nation and sensibilities with us, and perhaps we are our flag to some people in other countries before we are the person.

That’s probably the most interesting lesson I’m learning, but it’s not the most important.

And, My Most Important Lesson

The most important lesson I learned is one about miracles and strength. As with most transitions, this past year was not easy. In fact, it was brutal and at times hellish. I did not think we would overcome the obstacles. I doubted life, my partner and myself at times.

But from what I can only describe as theater of the absurd because of incredible bureaucratic international challenges across three countries, and life itself, which had us in a long spin cycle, we received a gift. Literally, from one day to the next, as I waited in January for the other shoe to drop, we received a miracle that stabilized our lives literally in one phone call. Our representative said she had never seen this before and, so we had it, a miracle. An international bureaucratic “Hail Mary pass” that kept me from having to separate from my husband and head back home immediately.

And that led me to the lesson of strength. What my husband and I did this year was unbelievable and it took an incredible amount of will power and ingenuity. It was something neither he nor I will ever forget. And ultimately, despite disagreements on strategy, it strengthened and deepened our friendship because we only had each other. No one was going through it but us. Kind words from abroad helped, but we were the ones dealing with it every day. Our iron spines got upgraded to titanium this year. We survived – together.

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Posted: July 21, 2015

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