One Word Too Many

"Wise men talk because they have something to say. Fools, because they have to say something.”-  Plato.

An average person has 70,000 thoughts a day. This essentially means that about 3000 per hour or 50 thoughts per minute. Just under one per second. Turn those thoughts into words? Not possible but usually an average person speaks 2000-3000 words a day. Researchers say that while communicating you have precisely 20 seconds to hold the counterpart’s attention, before he loses interest. With so many thoughts cascading in your mind and trying to give value , it’s a shame that we are in this day and age still faced with one of the biggest dilemmas of communication. We just know how to talk and hear in a conversation, but somewhere along the road we forgot one of the core pillars of communication. Listening with understanding.

Man is inherently driven to chase what he cannot get. He works night and day to satisfy this craving within, in whichever form it takes. The more he cannot get these desires, the more he chases it. One of the greatest desires a man holds is the desire to feel important. The craving to feel appreciated. No wonder that the science has found out that the favourite subject to discuss in conversations, is none other but “ourselves”. People spend 60% of their conversations talking about themselves and 80% when chatting on social media!

This I feel is one of the fundamental issues in communication. We talk merely to talk. To show influence. The silent ones are seen as mere spectators. The audience of sheep that need a shepherd.

This new trend sweeping the generation of over amplifying personal experiences and self-promotion, with little focus on deep profound knowledge, is alarming to say the least.

An ideal conversation usually should have a give and take situation, with each person speaking 50% of the time. Strange is it not? You will have to be quiet half the time in a conversation to influence another?

Yet to me, silence is one of the most underestimated strengths in a conversation itself. It is a great insightful power in which we can not only hear what is being said but what is not being said.

But how can you get closer to the truth when most of us listen not to understand but instead listen to reply. Most of the time we are hearing to respond and not listening to understand.

In this age, the quiet ones are seen as being shy, going through hard times, lacking confidence, being plain arrogant or simply not knowing how to talk. I think otherwise. I think in the moments of silence is one of the great arts of conversation.

There is a wise saying that that it’s the space between the bars that holds the tiger. And it’s the silence between the notes that makes the music. It is out of the silence, or “the gap,” or that space between our thoughts, that everything is created-including our own bliss. Think about this.

In fact research has shown one of the best ideas come while people are taking a shower. 72% if you want to be more precise. Why? It’s one of the few places that you are disconnected from wired devices and can find that extra space to just think quietly.

For me, the pointless small talk or the simple talking just for the sake of talking has essentially no long term value. To become a more grounded person, you need to do the exact opposite. Quieten down. Speak less. Listen more.

Now I am not saying you become an absolute recluse, but to understand that in your moments of silence in conversations coupled with contemplation, lie great gifts of insights. Some things to learn through listening with understanding.

• Don’t “throw stuff out there”. Value others opinions and people

It is usually seen that the one with ideas is the one who disrupts meetings and throws literal dodgeballs to make people “start thinking”. These are usually the ones who value their own opinions better and enjoy bringing others ideas down. The real conversationalist will look at the other in the eye, listen to what he has to say and make him feel more connected and engaged. This in turn breeds loyalty and a sense of belonging.

• Give others a chance. You just may learn a thing or two.

Superior conversations requires an art. It is an art of patience and willing to learn from everyone, be it philosophers to even a local janitor in the lift, that you may encounter. All in all, ideas can come from multiple sources and you must have the depth of understanding to digest the information and use it to where you want to go. A person who keeps talking all the time, will limit his wisdom to what his own mind concocts. That to me is sheer ignorance.

• Respect Time. Not only have yours but the others time as well.

Ever been in a situation where you are rudely cut off because you opened your mouth. Or where someone who cannot stop talking, does not understand your cue as you aim for the door or glance at your watch again and again. We have pretty much been near that. Show people you value their time, by making concise points and heavy statements rather than endless babbling. It will drown your entire point of conversation.

• Listening breeds listening

There is a golden rule in conversations. Learn this by heart. If you listen to others. They will listen to you. If you want others to take your ideas to heart and take you seriously, then you must share the etiquette. It is as simple as that.

• Thinking before speaking. Not speaking before thinking.

Pondering over your answer instead of just opening your mouth for the sake of replying is going to give little quality contribution to the conversation. Your input matters of course. But not just giving your voice, rather your words must come with some meaning.

Think of this story. A person went to a wise man to understand wisdom. The wise man gave him some advice. “Go home and take a feather pillow outside. Rip it open and scatter the feathers, then return to me tomorrow”. The man did as the elder instructed, and made sure he scattered the pillow in the air completely. The following day he returned to the elder. The elder said, “Go collect the feathers you scattered yesterday and bring them back to me.” The man went home and searched for the feathers, but the wind had carried them all away. Returning to the elder, he admitted, “I could find none of the feathers I scattered yesterday.” “You see,” said the elder, “it‘s easy to scatter the feathers but impossible to get them back. Your words are like that. The first step in wisdom is to keep your mouth shut and your ears wide open.”

Makes you wonder why we have two ears and one mouth. And not vice versa. Let  me add my bit to that. We have a mouth that can be shut but ears that can’t. But we simply just don’t get it. We do the exact opposite. Essentially, we speak more and do less. We have more opinions than actions. We have more judgements than exploring new possibilities. We have less patience for understanding the other, but all the time to make our voices heard. It is a race that has no end.

It is said we would all be in great shape if we ran as much as we spoke. Take a back seat and try and enjoy being enlightened by others. You just may learn a thing or two. This life is yours for the taking. No apologies. No excuses. The gift is precious and it is yours only. Enrich its quality through knowledge, respect for others and integrity. Understand that your greatness within is larger than your present worries. And one who truly understands the depth of his being does not need to blow his own horn. He just merely exists as one.