One way we block ourselves—and some solutions

Complaining.

We all do it to some degree—some more than others.

I myself was a serial complainer for a short period of time. I developed some health issues a while back, and fell into the trap of complaining:

"I'm so tired because of my medical problems; and I hate being tired. Arghh!"

"I can't find a solution; I've tried everything."

"I'm so sick of this problem and feeling like crap."

"Etc, etc, etc."

The problem with complaining, is that there are so many problems caused by complaining!

• When we complain, our brain floods our bloodstream with stress hormones, including cortisol, which harm neural connections in areas used for problem solving and other cognitive functions.
• Complaining blocks us from finding a solution to our problem(s). We spend our energy dwelling on the problem, and this severely limits our ability to think objectively and find a solution.
• Complaining, especially serial complaining, certainly doesn’t make us feel better. Possibly, in the very moment, it may feel good—like a 'release/venting' but this doesn't last. By focusing on the problem, we are focussing on our negative emotions, and therefore living in our negative emotions, and spreading that negativity to anyone within earshot of our complaining.
• People do not like having this negativity spread onto them—i.e., a serial complainer is (at best) endured, but never admired. Mostly, they are avoided.
• Complaining is a massive drainer of our energy resources.
• Serial complaining, can lead to a victim mentality. Repeated complaining rewires your brain to make future complaining more likely, meaning that complaining will become your default behaviour.
• This victim mentality is like the plague, infecting every area of our life with negativity and eventually learned helplessness—an extremely dangerous place, psychologically speaking, to live.

I could continue, but I'm sure you get the point. Complaining to peers constantly about one's problems brings no good to anyone, least of all, oneself. A quote I heard a few years back that is a good reminder is this:

90 percent of people don’t really care about your problems and the other 10 percent are actually happy that you have bigger problems than they do! 

SO, what's the solution?

There are many different ways to solve the quandary of habitual complaining, and I will provide you a couple of quick, effective ways now:

Step 1: The first step is awareness of our current proclivity to complain. An excellent way to do this is to wear an elastic band on your wrist, and 'flick' yourself hard (it should hurt!) every time you catch yourself complaining about something or someone, and offering no solution. This will help in two ways: it will highlight how often you currently complain, and it will jolt you out of your current pattern, and give you time to reconsider complaining—now that you are aware of all the damage it is doing to your state of mind and problem solving abilities.

Step 2: This depends on if you are complaining about a 'perceived problem', or a 'real problem'. For example, a 'perceived problem' could be: "This driver in front is so slow; what an idiot!"

With a 'perceived problem', you could

a) add a 'but + positive.'

"This driver in front is so slow; what an idiot...(flick with rubber band!) but I am thankful I have a job, especially at the moment with Corona virus, and I am thankful I can afford a nice car.

or

b) Change a 'have to' to a 'get to.'

“I have to look after my son all day” becomes “I get to spend the day with my boy!” You change a complaining voice to an appreciative heart.

Step 3: If the complaint is a 'real problem', then the quickest way to break this habit of complaining, is to (immediately after the painful rubber-band flick!) ask yourself a better question.

For example: "I am so stressed. I'm underwater and have so many things I need to do." (cortisol starting to be released!)

Immediately: Flick with rubber-band! Jolt yourself out of this downward spiral,

and then ask:

1. What is great about this problem? ("Business must be good! I would have loved to have had this many clients a few years ago when I was first starting my business!")
2. What is not perfect yet? ("I need to work on prioritising; I need a better system of time management; I need to hire an assistant, etc.")
3. What am I willing to do to make things the way I want? What are ten different options? (Now you are working on positive, tangible solutions...10 of them! This will yield a very different result, than a previous default mode of complaining and focusing on the problem.)
4. How can I enjoy the process of solving this problem? ("Maybe I can go for a walk along the river, and while I'm walking I can call those people back I have to call back instead of wasting time complaining in my office—the fresh air will also do me good!")

The results one will yield if this style of thinking became one's conditioned default mode, will be entirely different to the results one will yield with the 'serial complainer' mind-set as one's default mode.

All the very real problems mentioned at the start of this article, caused by nothing other than a different thought process, will be avoided by an elastic band, and a little bit of discipline!

The challenge is this: Try this for 30 days.

After 30 days, the less discipline you will need, because a new habit will be formed; your new default mode will be established.

Some people may 'feel weird' doing this, but what is much weirder, is not taking control of our thought processes, when it is our habitual thought processes that determine the quality of our lives.

I hope this article was useful for some people out there, or for 'some people you know' ;)

Peace :)

Travis Simlinger is the founder of 'Progressive Coaching' in Zurich, Switzerland. Click here for more imformation.