One Victim, the Other a Hero
Lukas Voss, MS
Skilled Storyteller | Compassionate Leadership | Content Strategy | Superior Execution | Native German Speaker
In 2012, I wanted to create an understanding for Americans of why we don't celebrate Memorial Day in Germany and why we have a hard time recognizing our soldiers even in death. This article by Guido Mingels und Takis Würger originally appeared in the March 2012 edition of "Der Spiegel".
I translated it because I think it perfectly encapsulates the why. This is the original link to the article in German.
*This article was translated in 2012, some references are outdated an no longer accurate. I did not write this article nor do I own any parts of it. The copyright lies solely with its original author's and their publication.
An American and a German die in Afghanistan. How does home react? The German parents ask: ”Why did our son die?” The Americans say: “For country and freedom.”
In Afghanistan, there is a shot, or a bomb explodes. In a house in Germany or America, a room stays empty. It’s the child’s room that they left when they were 17 or 19. This is the place where they played, where they slept, guarded by their parents. They left home as teenagers, just past the breaking of their voice, they got a uniform and a rifle. You can still find the stuffed animals from back then, the posters of bands and cars, and their piggybank. The parents of fallen soldiers often leave the rooms of their children untouched years after they died. Konstantin Menz from Waldrems in the province of Schwaben, Germany, born on September 30, 1988, dead on the 18 of February 2009 in Baghlan, Afghanistan. Nicholas George Xiarhos from Yarmouth Port, USA, born on February 12, 1988 dead on July 23, 2009 in Garmsir, Afghanistan.
Tanja Menz climbs up the stairs to her son’s room. “ I had cleaned a little for his return, “she says. She is looking on to her son’s bed which looks like Konstantin had just left, she looks on to a stuffed animal dog, she looks on to his deodorant “Axe Dark temperature”. In his closet lies his combat helmet, his decorations, and in a triangle folded German flag. Tanja Menz had put these things away and closed the door because a friend of hers stayed in the room. Tanja Menz did not want to let the guest feel uncomfortable. Nothing should remind the guest of the fallen soldier.
In Nick’s room, Inside the home of the Xiarhos’s in the U.S., the father stands on a carpet, so smooth, it lets one sink in. “We love the Marines,” says Steve Xiarhos as he looks upon an old recruitment poster which hangs on the wall of his sons room, pictures of hero’s, with that the slogans that? Nick listened to: The Marines want you ! The Few, The Proud, The Marines ! On the window ledges and across the room stand dinosaurs, Sports trophies, shell casings. The room next to Nick’s?room was made into a museum by the family. Hundreds of pictures of Nick hang upon the walls, his jersey, his sword. Everything is supposed to remind guests of the fallen soldier.
A suicide bomber? in the disguise of an Afghan soldier shot Konstantin Menz with a Kalashnikov projectile through the neck, while cleaning the chains of a tank inside the Bundeswehr Post “Observation Post North”. A doctor administered 4.8 liters of blood. The Doctor’s report said “ Due to the significance and severeness of the injuries, chance of survival and the necessity of conserving blood, he was declared dead at 17:31, on February 18, 2011. Nicholas Xiarhos was part of a convoy mission with four vehicles inside a Taliban controlled region on July 23, 2009. Nicks Humvee drove on to an improvised explosive devise or short IED. The Doctor′s report reads:? The soldier suffered severe wounds to his head, face and legs as well as massive internal damage in the stomach region. Declared dead at 21:15 hours. To the next of kin, it is recommended to refrain from viewing the body and to leave the coffin closed.
Two young men, one 22, the other 21, fallen in a country they did not know much about before they became soldiers. A country that is dust, a country at war. Since 2001 the Afghanistan conflict has been going on. 50 nations fight against terrorism and for security. 90000 Americans are currently deployed to Afghanistan as well as 4800 Germans. 1802 Americans have died, 53 Germans. They died in the same war. However, at home, the people of their respective country′s think differently about the war. For what reason do we wage war ? How many casualties are tolerable ? How is family to react to the death of one of their own? The answers to those questions are different in the United States then In Germany. Nobody perceives this better then those who have survived. The parents that stand in the rooms of their dead children. A house in Yarmouth Port, Cape Cod, Massachusetts. The peninsula on the east coast, famous as residence of the Kennedy clan, is much liked by tourists. The mother, Lisa, 50, a teacher has a sentence tattooed on her arm after Nick′s death. “Livin′the dream” those were the last words she heard from him in a telephone call from Afghanistan. “ Don′t worry mum,” said the voice from Afghanistan, “I am livin′the dream.” It has become the mantra of hope for the Xiarhos family. Nick lived his dream, the dream of living like a U.S. Marine. Not only his mother but also his father; his sisters and his brother, as well as dozens of friends and family bare the sentence “Livin' the dream”, his initials, and his date of death carved into their skin. NGX, 7-23-09.
“It was in him, being a soldier.” Says his father. Steve Xiarhos, 53, son of Greek immigrants and vice police chief of Yarmouth Port. A born warrior, that was his son. Bred to be a patriot. He was playing with guns in the woods, played war on the computer , his mother remembers. Then came 9/11 the towers in New York were burning, the boy is 13 years old and says to his father “ I want to do something. America is under attack, I want to do something.” As he turns 17 he makes his way to the recruiter. He is too young, his parents need to sign for him. The father hesitates. “Don′t you want to join the honor guard?” he asks his son. The elegant uniforms and not even close as dangerous as being part of the U.S. Marine corps. The infantrymen, the guys who do the dirty work. The son says “Dad, I wanna be a grunt. I want to fight.”
Two weeks after Nick′s high school graduation he reports to basic training. In December 2009, as part of the 1/9 division, nick named “The walking dead”, he is deployed to Iraq for seven month. In may 2009 he is issued new orders and flies to Afghanistan, Helmad province. He asked for new orders because he got bored sitting around in the marine barracks. “ He had the most dangerous job, in the most?dangerous unit, in the most dangerous region in Afghanistan”, says his mother. His death was “the ultimate sacrifice, “his father says.
Where as Nick′s death is a sacrifice, and all fallen Americans are being seen as heroes, Konstantin is a victim, not a hero. The term “opfer” which loosely translated in English means sacrifice does not make a difference between “victim”, somebody who died due to unfortunate circumstances, and? “sacrifice” somebody who died in the line of duty for a higher cause.?
On the one side, Germany, the monster of the twentieth century that says “ never again, will we wage war”, and on the other side, the USA. World police and self proclaimed leader of the free world, somebody has to do it. Germany is reluctantly following its duties as part of the NATO alliance. The society is affected by its past and the remembrance of a time where soldiers belonged to the king, the Kaiser and the Führer. It brought death, agony and helplessness to German families. Since its founding the United States practically has never stopped to make war. War of Independence, civil war, First and second world war, Korean war, Vietnam war, Iraq war, and Afghanistan war. War still is the motor of American history. Nevertheless, on the other side of the Atlantic ocean “battle fatigue” is growing. During elections the slogan that dominates in the public eye is “bring our troops home”. Maybe that is the reason why all these patriotic rituals to remember the fallen are being held up high. These rituals and the creation of heroes are the catalyst for the “we” attitude and feeling that the United States so desperately needs.
One week after Konstantin’s death, Tanja Menz is driving in to the Bavarian forest for a funeral service on her sons post. She meets relatives of the other two fallen soldiers as well as Angela Merkel and Karl-Theodor zu Guttenberg(Minister of defense). Before the ceremony the families gather in a room to talk with Merkel and Guttenberg.
Tanja Menz wants to ask the politicians when enough German?soldiers have died in Afghanistan. The father of one of the other fallen soldiers is quicker. For what cause did my son die?, he asks. Tanja Menz does not remember the exact words but Guttenberg speaks about responsibility and freedom. For what cause did my son die? Angela Merkel remains silent.
Lisa and Steve Xiarhos know the answer. For country and freedom. In August of 2009 Barack Obama is spending part of his holidays at Cape Cod. He offers the Xiarhos a meeting with him. He says to the parents “I think about Boys like Nick”, when he thinks about Afghanistan. Then he asks both of them about their opinion on what he should do in Afghanistan. Lisa Xiarhos answers: “ Send more troops. Finish the job.”
Tanja Menz says it might have been easier for her, if she could say that she supports the German effort in Afghanistan. She learns about the attack of February 18 from the radio. She does not suspect that this is about her son.
“More hits, more Kicks, SWR3!
? SWR3 - News at three:
The formula one teams see the racing season in Bahrain in danger.
During a fire in the Westerwald area a whole family apparently died.
In Afghanistan, a German soldier was killed during an attack.
The weather: Often cloudy, little sun,? two to eight degrees Celsius.
Konstantin said that if his mother heard something on the Radio and German Army officials had not talked to her, he would be fine.
The Bundeswehr? had prepared a two page word document with the header “ Behavior when bringing news of a soldiers death”. Under the sub heading of? “behavior at the residence” are tips like:
The Lieutenant Colonel and the Military Pastor ring the doorbell at 5 P.M. Steve Xiarhos has lived through the moment when he delivered the news to his family so many times, that he almost tells it like he is watching a movie. The death bringers of the marines tell him first. They ask the questions that they always ask. “ Are you Steven G. Xiarhos, father of Marine Corporal Nicholas G. Xiarhos?”?
As he once again is being able to speak, he informs his wife and the children.” I saw Elizabeth and Ashlynn, our twin daughters, sitting in front of the TV talking with friends. I saw our youngest son Alex sitting at the kitchen table on his laptop. I saw Lisa, making pancakes in the kitchen. I knew that these were the last images that I would see. The last images of a happy family life. Its Nick”. Two words and the mother understands.
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Before Konstantin signed up for the German Army, Tanja Menz did not know any soldiers. Waldrems is a small village. There is a choral society named “harmony” and the houses stand between blooming apple trees. The next Army post is about an hour away by car.?
At Konstantin′s Medical examination he? is being declared a “T1 – completely employable.” After being drafted, Konstantin says he wants to serve with the paratroopers. Tanja Menz thinks that her son just wants to parachute. After a couple of weeks of basic training in the snow he will find his reason.
After a couple of weeks of basic training, konstatin signs up as an enlisted men for four years. He changes units, from the paratroopers to the Armored Infantry Division. A Group of soldiers that fights their enemies on the ground as well as with small combat vehicles. Tanja Menz knows, that as enlisted men, her son will most likely be deployed to Afghanistan. She tells him that he can always refuse, the family would find an alternative. Even a week before his deployment, Tanja Menz tells her son that he does not have to go. On his last supper at home, he eats pasta squares and potato salad. In the morning, he tells his mother that he loves her and leaves.
The battle call of the German armored devision is “Here, there and above”.
Both were front soldiers, grunts, Nick and Konstantin. In the past, there was the term “Kanonenfutter”? a gruesome term, that stems from the time when war was easier to plan for the generals as the loss of human life was not as decisive. During the first half of the twentieth century, families were accustomed to frequent death. Death was as much a part of life as life itself. Families had numerous children, and through the high mortality rate among those, they became accustomed. With demographic change, that led to smaller families, came something that Military sociologists call “casualty phobia”. The avoidance of causalities has become the prime directive for military leaders.
Today, countries will get bombed from the air to incapacitate them, then ground troops will invade. War has become technological. Ideally every job is done through unmanned drones. In case soldiers should die, with each and every dead body, questions will rise, why this mission is necessary. In a survey conducted by the Social Science Institute of the Bundeswehr 75 percent of German citizens said that a mission should end if German soldiers are losing their lives. The enemies of the west see their greatest chance with that understanding. There is a sentence by a Taliban fighter that has become famous. “The Americans love Coca-Cola, but we love death.”
Konstantin Menz is buried on the cemetery in Waldrems, where all other perished villagers lie.
Nicholas Xiarhos is buried on a national cemetery, one of hundredth in the U.S, together with more then 55000 veterans from all American wars during this century and the last. The Memorial of the Bundeswehr is located on the grounds of the German Defense Ministry in Berlin. A cuboid made of steel and concrete, 32 meters long, eight meters wide and ten meters high. When Tanja Menz first visited the memorial, she past it and did not even recognize it.
On a January day she is visiting with her husband. Through an open roof, snow is falling on the flowers that are leaning against the wall. Above that it says: “To the dead of the Bundeswehr, for peace, justice and freedom”. Tanja Menz says: “Its cold”.?
On the inside of the building, the names of the dead soldiers slowly illuminate on to a projection space, one after another with letters made of light. There are 3204 names of all employees that have died in service to the Bundeswehr since 1956. As Tanja Menz visited the memorial in the fall, she waited three hours, then she looked upon the letters “Konstantin Menz” created by light iods for eight seconds, then they disappeared.
Steve Xiarhos looks through the window of his car onto the security personnel in front of the Military premises and says: “ I am Deputy Chief Xiarhos and I am here to visit my son.” The men take off their hats and open the gate. Soon, on the softly swung hills, the always same, exactly aligned stone slabs lie ahead. This is the place “where heroes rest,” says Steve Xiarhos. This is where, on the 31 of June 2009, the funeral procession for his son ended. “On a day Cape Cod stood still” the father remembers. The procession with the hearse is followed by hundredth of cars. The whole Police department is following them. All have their lights on but no sirens sound. Thousands come to the cemetery. For the last part of the way, Nicks coffin is laid onto the Horse carriage. At his grave, a heroic tenor sings the marines hymn that will now guard Nick in heaven. Two marines take the flag off Nick′s coffin and fold it twelve times into a triangle before they give it to the mother. The Honor guard is firing seven shots into the sky.
The grave of Konstantin Menz is about a five minute walk from where he grew up, on the local church cemetery. Tanja Menz is checking if the light of the candle on the grave is burning. A Couple of meters from Konstantin′s grave, at the entrance to the cemetery, lie two large stones in the ground that remember the fallen from both world wars. On one of the stones reads:
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?
?? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? The Thankful Township
? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Heiningen Waldrems
?? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?To Its Fallen Heroes
Tanja Menz looks on to the inscription and says: “ Soldiers are just regular people who do their job. The word “hero” is not fitting in our time.” During the fall, Tanja Menz? stood at the same spot with the major of? Waldrems. She had called him and asked if the village would remember her sons death. Both had agreed to put up a remembrance plaque, but they did not know where to put it. The major suggested to put down Konstantin’s name on the stone cross behind the memorial for those who died during the world wars. Metal letters, not too big.
Over 60 years after World War II has ended, the Germans still have not found a relationship with their soldiers. The veterans of World war two where hiding themselves understandably where as in the USA they paraded through every little town during a national holiday or other opportunities. The USA, a nation that has lived in the understanding that they have always fought for the freedom in the world, is standing opposite of a nation that deals with its debt and obligation to have been the origin of illegal War of conquest. Many German soldiers avoid it to wear uniform in public. Too many have experienced the fact that they are being defamed and “murder” is shouted after them. American soldiers get free beer, and on the bus people offer them their seats. America is going an extreme way. Germany is going an extreme way. It is hard to say which one is the right one. Maybe its none of them.
In a survey among officer trainees conducted by the Bundeswehr University in Hamburg, the majority said that a lack of recognition is the biggest problem during their careers. They made suggestions what could change that. Among them were for example that ministers would honor and remember fallen soldiers on Christmas and other holidays. During a visit to the United States, German minister of defense Thomas DeMaiziére suggested to put in place a veterans day such as in the United States. He did so on the “Volkstrauertag” a? holiday in Germany that the Nazi′s instituted and named “Heldengedenktag” which loosely translated means “Hero remembrance day”. His political party, the SPD, dismissed his suggestion as “unthinkable.”
German Army soldiers mention three things they are worried about when they are on the front lines: That their spouses are being left alone at home; That the people of their country are not supporting them; That after they return, nobody is interested in them.
When Nick died, the community and the Xiarhos family came together even closer. Friends come and offer their condolences, they bring food.? The father tells of a neighbor, who not asked, took care of the yard and the families garbage, after the message of Nick′s death reached the family. Over and over again they hear the sentence “if you need anything, I am there,” sometimes even only from superficial friends. There is also the American “ thank you for your service” which is generally a flower of speech towards war veterans. Steve and Lisa hear it often, from the cashier at the supermarket, to the gas station attendant when getting gas and the bus driver. As Many parents of fallen American soldier, Steve and Lisa founded a fund for their son, the Nicholas G. Xiarhos Memorial Fund. Every year they give out the Nicholas G. Xiarhos? price at Nick′s former high school to honor the student that has done the most for his fellow students. A group of friends collects money under the name of “ Big Nick′s gift to our troops.” They collect gifts and food for soldiers deployed overseas. As part of “Big Nick′s ride for the fallen” over? a thousand motorcyclist meet to ride around Cape Cod. The Clubhouse at the football field on Yarmouth is now named “Nicholas G. Xiarhos Memorial Field house.” The father has produced Nick – memorial hats. He always carries a couple of them with him to give to people he meets after the first hand shake.
As Konstantin Menz returns in a zinc coffin with timber lagging, his father, Hans-Jürgen Menz, took three days off. His co workers give their condolences, then he starts working again. In the weeks after February 18 the people of the village give their condolences to the Menz family. They shake hands, they write letters. Tanja Menz spends as much time as possible on Konstantin’s post. There she feels normal she says, she does not feel like she has to explain. During and open house presentation, she sits in the back of a tank and rides through the woods. Hans-Jürgen Menz is grieving alone. During the early days after february 18, people ask him about his dead son when he is out with the dogs, but that quickly settles. “The sympathies were acceptably low,” the father says.
One day an employee of Steffen Mappus, former president of Baden-Würtemberg, calls and asks of Mappus could visit the family. Hans-Jürgen Menz does not want that. “We did not have anything to do with Mister Mappus before Konstantin’s death,” he says. “I find it okay that Konstantin’s name is mentioned as a victim of this war, but actually those are my private thoughts, I do not want anybody to?feel bothered”, he says. Nick′s little brother, Alex 22, now sleeps in Nick′s old bed. He leaves everything as it was, surrounded by Nick′s things and his pictures. “ He wanted to take Nick′s place after his death,” says Lisa Xiarhos. Alex wanted to join the Marines.
The father forbid it.