One Underpinning Value

Who are you at your core?

What do you stand for?

Increasingly, it seems we live in a time when people hesitate to commit to a set of personal values. People are often not even quite sure what “values” are. To clarify this point, there’s a distinct difference between the two words and their usage. that difference is morality.

• Values really define what you (or a society) find to be important. That’s why you value it. It’s something more personal to you, or more intrinsic to your society. But it’s not a matter of right or wrong, or good vs. evil. It’s just what you put value to.
• Virtue describes what is morally good. It’s important to note that the concept of “virtue” came from the Greeks, in particular Plato 1 .

Virtue is often defined as moral excellence, but it is more properly understood as an action. Virtue always aims for the mean and the mean is what right reason prescribes. For Aristotle, this is not some external thing, but rather what one finds when one looks at the actions of the virtuous person.

We have to look at the work to find the standard. Values are what one comes to understand through reason, but here’s the difference: one can hold the value of honesty (through a reasonable understanding of honesty as being good) but fail to act honestly. This person values rightly but is not virtuous. This habit is what Aristotle would call incontinence. The incontinent person knows what he ought to do but fails to do it. This person thinks about it (because he has the right values), but his desires are misaligned. 2 Because our values drive our decision-making, it is critical that each of us have clarity about what our values are.

Pioneer of positive psychology Martin Seligman, Authentic Happiness, reviewed three thousand years of spiritual and ethical thinking and identified six virtually ubiquitous virtues. They were:

• Wisdom and knowledge
• Courage
• Love and humanity
• Justice
• Temperance (meaning nothing in excess)
• Spirituality and transcendence

He then went on to describe the “how” to achieve these virtues- “strengths” or skills that we can use to acquire and practice these six virtues. These strengths include:

• love of learning
• open-mindedness
• social intelligence
• bravery
• perseverance
• honesty
• leadership
• self-control and prudence 3

As a civility practitioner, I have come to understand (and the research supports) that civility goes way beyond manners and being nice. Of course, courtesy is part of choosing civility but civility in fact incorporates the six virtues that Martin Seligman speaks about. And, the practice of civility incorporates all the strengths and skills he suggests are used to acquire the virtues.

I believe that people reduce the concept of civility to something as simple as manners because they don’t have the time, knowledge or inclination to do the hard work that it takes to define your personal values. In addition, teaching and practicing rules for manners and modern-day etiquette is relatively easy. Teaching and practicing civility is significantly more difficult.

Some experts argue that because civility is the outcome of choosing behaviors that are congruent with positive personal values, you can teach a person how to make decisions, or you can teach someone about consequences. However, you cannot, in fact, teach civility. This is a long-debated issue and part of the reason many training professionals focus on changing manners and behaviors rather than trying to change attitudes, values orbeliefs. Unfortunately, many parents, teachers, and sometimes society in general, expect forced compliance and confuse it with civility. For example, a child can be taught to say “sorry” but never learn why it is important to apologize and never understand what he or she did wrong in the first place. The child simply learns that you can do whatever you want and if someone gets mad, just say “Sorry” to get yourself out of trouble. Similarly, just because people smile and shake hands politely does not mean they actually respect or appreciate each other. The amount of attention and intention required to do something “just because” is far less than the amount of attention and intention required to do something with a conscience. This difference explains the seemingly subtle difference between being polite and being civil. When courtesies are regularly extended without sincerity, the result is mistrust. When trust is diminished, social capital is depleted. Social capital is the extent to which we are connected to one another and it is an important by-product of civility.

Choosing the right action, weighing the potential impact of choices against one’s own values, and being accountable for the outcomes of those choices are what build character. And, it’s character that distinguishes mannerly actions from civility.

Abraham Lincoln said, “Reputation is the shadow. Character is the tree.” To compare, civility is what compels you to do the right thing just because it is right to do what’s right. This belief is an aspect of your true self, part of your character, whereas manners can easily and often be exhibited simply as a means of sending a positive impression or appearing to be good. While manners exhibited for any reason usually have some positive impact, when you exercise the power of choice and determine to extend a courtesy or some small kindness because you believe it is the right thing to do, the power of intention takes over, and intention is a very powerful thing. When you consistently choose actions based on your values and purposefully behave in a way that benefits others, civility becomes a point of your character.

I believe that you CAN teach civility. Specifically, 20+ years in the field and significant practical work and research leads me to believe that there are four skills that underpin an ability to be civil. Having said that, I will also agree that you can teach people the “value” of civility, but each individual has to make his or her own choice to take on civility as a core value and to willingly engage in civil behavior. That each of us has this power, is an incredible gift. An opportunity to impact the world in a positive way.