The One Thing You Should Never Ever Ask a Woman

Words hold immense power in our everyday interactions. They can build bridges, foster relationships, and offer comfort. However, they can also unintentionally cause pain. Among the myriad of questions and assumptions people make, one stands out as particularly problematic and invasive: asking a woman if she is pregnant. I am sure there are many others, like "When are you having kids," but this one hits home.

For some, this question might seem like a harmless conversation starter, an expression of excitement, or a gesture of connection. However, it is important to understand the potential harm and discomfort it can cause. Whether a woman is nine months pregnant and wearing a shirt that says "Bun in the Oven" or "Ready to Pop," it is never appropriate to ask if she is expecting. Why this question hurts:

Assumptions About Body Image: Commenting on someone's appearance, especially regarding pregnancy, is fraught with assumptions about their body. These assumptions can be deeply personal and potentially offensive. No one should feel scrutinized or judged based on their physical appearance.

Personal and Sensitive Topic: Pregnancy is a deeply personal matter. Women may be dealing with fertility issues, recent losses, or complex emotions regarding their bodies and their pregnancies. An innocent question about pregnancy can unintentionally reopen emotional wounds or touch on sensitive topics.

Respecting Privacy: Everyone has the right to control how and when they share personal information. Assuming or asking about pregnancy intrudes upon this right and can put a woman in an uncomfortable position of having to disclose more than she is ready to share.

Potential for Misunderstanding: Imagine the scenario where a woman is not pregnant and is asked this question. The implication can be mortifying and damaging to her self-esteem. It’s a reminder of the importance of refraining from making assumptions based on physical appearance.

Let me share a personal experience to illustrate this point. It was our first night out as husband and wife after having our second child. My wife looked absolutely gorgeous as we enjoyed drinks, with the first band just starting to play. The atmosphere was perfect, and we were excited to have a rare night out together.

During the evening, as my wife walked to the bathroom, a female attendant innocently asked, “How far along are you?” While the question was settled quickly and had no negative intent, it came at a vulnerable time for my wife, who was still adjusting to her post-pregnancy body.

As a man, I can never personally experience the physical transformation that a woman goes through during pregnancy, nor could I handle the immense pain and endurance it takes to deliver a child. My wife was understandably crushed by the question, and I was left feeling very upset and helpless to change the mood.

This experience isn’t unique. I’ve heard countless stories from others similarly hurt by this question. It is a powerful reminder that we must choose our words carefully and consider their impact on the other person. I may be off base here, and this is my perspective, so others might disagree with my writing, which is fine. However, I feel strongly about this one.

To add a touch of humor, let me share another story told by a dear friend and respected executive in the community. She was walking in a mall, visibly pregnant, when a woman reached out and touched her belly without permission. Instantly, my friend reached up and grabbed the other woman’s breast. The woman was appalled and stormed off.

While my friend's reaction was humorous in hindsight, it underscored a critical lesson: at no point do you have the right to touch another person without their consent. Her swift and surprising retaliation taught an unforgettable lesson about personal boundaries and respect.

Words matter. They have the power to uplift and the potential to wound. By avoiding assumptions and refraining from asking intrusive questions, we can create a more respectful and considerate environment for everyone.

Consider this: asking a parent about their child’s developmental needs with a question like, “What’s wrong with your child?” is highly inappropriate and insensitive. It highlights the need to think about what our words mean to the other party before we speak.

It's crucial to foster a culture where we think before speaking, considering our words' potential impact. Here are a few guidelines to help navigate conversations more respectfully:

Err on the Side of Caution: If you have any doubt about someone's situation, it's better not to comment. There's no harm in staying silent on personal matters.

Focus on Neutral Topics: Engage in conversations that don't involve personal assumptions. Complimenting someone's smile, asking about their interests, or discussing neutral topics like hobbies or current events can create a more comfortable interaction.

Wait for Voluntary Sharing: Allow individuals to share personal news on their own terms. If a woman wants to share that she is expecting, she will do so when she feels comfortable.

Whether you are a man or a woman, young or old, it’s essential to remember that words matter. They have the power to uplift and the potential to wound. By avoiding assumptions and refraining from asking intrusive questions, we can create a more respectful and considerate environment for everyone.

So, resist the urge to ask even if you see someone who appears to be nine months pregnant and is wearing a shirt that boldly announces it. Celebrate the joy of connection without stepping into personal territories that are not yours to navigate. Respect, empathy, and thoughtfulness should always guide our interactions.

Please share feel free to share other instances where the questions we ask can be insensitive and downright hurtful. - JL