The One Thing You Must Do to Become a Self-Aware, Emotionally Intelligent Leader

In the ever-evolving landscape of business, identifying individuals with the skillset to lead organizations to the next level is more art than science. While it is understood that all leaders must have some degree of competency in most all aspects of leadership and their chosen domain, the sole comparator of what separates the great leaders from the good ones is emotional intelligence (EI) for it is those who embrace EI that are better positioned to navigate challenges, build resilient teams, decrease staff turnover, and drive unparalleled performance. There are five core competencies of EI...they are; 1) Self-Awareness; 2) Self-Regulation; 3) Motivation; 4) Empathy; and 5) Social Skills. In this article, we'll discuss the first tenant of EI (Self-Awareness), but what is the "one thing" you must do to, above all else become a self-aware, emotionally intelligent leader? This article will explore that pivotal action and provide you with tactics to improve self-awareness along the way.

What is Self-Awareness?

Self-awareness involves recognizing and understanding one's own emotions, moods, motivations, and drives, and their impact they have on themselves, their teams, colleagues and superiors. Self-aware leaders are attuned to their emotions, making well-considered decisions, and building stronger relationships. Daniel Goleman, a pioneer in emotional intelligence research, emphasizes that self-awareness is the foundation of EI, enabling leaders to understand their strengths and limitations, which in turn fosters humility and a growth mindset.

Case Study

Imagine being in a senior leadership meeting where the CEO, known for being transparent and supportive, critiques your team's performance in front of your colleagues. You’re proud of your team, their abilities and work ethic. This feedback triggers an emotional response. Before you can self-regulate (the second tenant of EI), you must first be self-aware, recognizing and understanding your emotional reaction and its potential impact. You're in a high stakes meeting, and you must recognize that your response to this feedback reflects on you as a leader and undoubtedly will impact others in the room. This scenario highlights the necessity of self-awareness in leadership, allowing you to process feedback constructively rather than defensively.

Let’s delve deeper into this scenario...

As the CEO begins to outline the areas where your team has fallen short, you feel a surge of defensiveness and anxiety. You’re aware that the CEO’s intentions are to drive improvement and that the critique is meant to be constructive. The CEO does this often as a mechanism for learning for everyone in attendance. She knows that every team in the organization has cross-functional involvement. Working in silos is a non-starter. Simply put, the performance of one team has an organizational wide impact. While you acknowledge the positive intent of feedback, it's hard for one not to have an immediate emotional response of hurt and frustration, not just for yourself but for your team who has been working tirelessly.

In this moment, practicing self-awareness involves acknowledging these emotions without immediately reacting. You take a few deep breaths, reminding yourself of the bigger picture and the CEO’s ultimate goal of organizational success. By doing so, you prevent a knee-jerk reaction that could derail the meeting and undermine your leadership.

“Why did I feel so defensive?” "What did I do (or not do) which made the CEO feel this way?"

After the meeting, you reflect on the feedback. You ask yourself, “Why did I feel so defensive?” "What did I do (or not do) which made the CEO feel this way?" You take great pride in your leadership, capabilities and performance, but most importantly, you believe and trust in your team. It's hard not to take the feedback personally or perceive the critique as a personal attack on you (or your team). By acknowledging how this feedback makes you feel and the emotions it triggers, you can better prepare for similar situations in the future, ensuring you handle them with greater composure and objectivity. And when you are attuned to these feelings and emotions and how you respond, others around you (your colleagues and your team) will start to model their behavior in the same fashion.

Tactics to Improve Self-Awareness

To cultivate self-awareness, consider these strategies:

1. Reflective Journaling: Regularly document your thoughts and feelings to identify patterns and triggers. By writing down your experiences and emotional responses, you create a record that helps you detect recurring themes and reactions. This practice not only enhances self-awareness but also promotes emotional processing and stress reduction.
2. Mindfulness Practices: Engage in mindfulness or meditation to stay present and attuned to your emotional state. Mindfulness encourages a non-judgmental awareness of your thoughts and feelings, helping you to observe your emotions without being overwhelmed by them. Research by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves in "Emotional Intelligence 2.0" shows that mindfulness can significantly improve emotional regulation and self-awareness.
3. Seek Feedback: Request constructive feedback from trusted colleagues to gain an external perspective on your behavior. Honest feedback from others can reveal blind spots and provide insights into how your actions affect those around you. It's important to realize that when receiving performance feedback, it's almost always meant to be constructive, not destructive. Creating a culture of open feedback within your team fosters mutual respect and continuous improvement.
4. Emotional Check-ins: Pause throughout the day to assess your emotional state and its influence on your actions. Simple practices like taking deep breaths, stepping away from your desk, or briefly meditating can help you reset and refocus, ensuring that you approach tasks and interactions with a clear mind. If you know you're about to enter into a meeting which may trigger an emotional response, an emotional check-in or quick meditation prior to the meeting will help put get you into the right mindset.
5. Self-Reflection: Regularly reflect on your values, goals, and motivations to understand how they shape your decisions. Self-reflection involves asking yourself critical questions about your leadership style, ethical beliefs, and long-term objectives. This introspective practice aligns your actions with your core values, enhancing your authenticity and integrity as a leader.

The One Thing

While all of the above are important for self-awareness, the most crucial action is consistent self-reflection. This means dedicating time each day to reflect on your emotional responses, decisions, and interactions. By doing this, you build a deeper understanding of yourself, allowing you to respond more thoughtfully and effectively in any situation. Self-reflection can take various forms, such as end-of-day reviews, meditation, or discussing experiences with a mentor. The key is to make it a regular, intentional practice. I'm a lover of classical music, and for 13 years, had a 45-minute commute home each day. On most days for my ride home, I would select my favorite orchestral playlist and spend the entire commute reflecting on my day, the interactions I had and the emotions I felt. Most importantly, I wanted to "own" my performance, actions and how I responded. I found my alone time in the car as the best time for me to self-reflect.

"What triggered my emotional response today?" "How did I handle a challenging situation?"

Expanding on Self-Reflection

Self-reflection goes beyond mere contemplation; it involves a structured approach to analyzing your experiences and emotions. Here are some advanced techniques to deepen your self-reflection practice:

• SWOT Analysis of Personal Behavior: Adapt the SWOT analysis (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities, Threats) commonly used in business to evaluate your personal behavior. Identify your strengths to leverage them in leadership, recognize weaknesses to address and improve, explore opportunities for personal growth, and acknowledge threats that could undermine your effectiveness.
• Emotional Journaling Prompts: Use specific prompts to guide your reflective journaling. Questions like "What triggered my emotional response today?" or "How did I handle a challenging situation?" can provide focus and depth to your reflections. This approach leaves cookie crumbs for you to look back on and document your growth. If you're about to enter into your annual performance review, a look back at your journal following your last review will make you more self-aware of trigger points and how to best respond.
• Mindful Walking: Combine physical activity with mindfulness by engaging in mindful walking. Pay attention to your surroundings, your breath, and your thoughts as you walk. This practice can clear your mind and offer new perspectives on your experiences.
• Visualization Techniques: Visualize challenging scenarios and your potential responses. This mental rehearsal can prepare you for real-life situations, helping you remain composed and self-aware under pressure.
• Engage in Dialogue with a Mentor: Regular conversations with a mentor or coach can provide a sounding board for your reflections. A mentor can offer insights, share experiences, and challenge your thinking, helping you to develop a more nuanced understanding of your emotional responses and leadership style.

Conclusion

Becoming a self-aware, emotionally intelligent leader is a journey that requires dedication and practice. By mastering self-awareness through consistent self-reflection and employing the tactics outlined, you can elevate your leadership effectiveness.

For those seeking a deeper dive into this subject, consider these readings:

1. "Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ" by Daniel Goleman
2. "Emotional Intelligence 2.0" by Travis Bradberry and Jean Greaves
3. "The Emotionally Intelligent Leader" by Daniel Goleman
4. "Primal Leadership: Unleashing the Power of Emotional Intelligence" by Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee
5. "Self-Awareness (HBR Emotional Intelligence Series)" by Harvard Business Review

Embrace the power of self-awareness to lead with empathy, resilience, and effectiveness. Your journey towards becoming an emotionally intelligent leader starts now.