One Thing That Excellent Listeners and Influencers Do

What I’m hearing you say is that you would like to win more deals and have greater impact this year. Is that right?

Regularly recapping what you’ve heard someone (or a group) say shows that you’re listening and ensures you’ve accurately understood. It can also help people make more progress toward decisions as they agree to what’s been said up to that point.

Even more than all of this,?if you can locate and distill the core desire(s) of your stakeholder(s) into as few words as possible, you have a key to unlocking future urgency and engagement.?

Let’s take a look at why that’s so:

• Clarity leads to commitment.?If people are confused, it’s going to be hard for them to make a decision or commit. Too many details or factors will cause most people to defer choices or deviate from their line of thinking. They can get stuck in paralysis by analysis. On the other hand, if you can help someone boil down their thoughts to a core statement of desire, they’ll be more likely to move toward it. This is why organizations spend time and money articulating a clear vision, mission and values.?
• People lose sight of what they value.?Great organizations don’t just articulate their core aims, they codify them in writing, on walls, on their website and in meetings because they know that people can easily forget what matters most. Former GE CEO and author Jack Welch?said, “Talk about vision so often that at the end of the day, you feel sick from talking about it.” People get off track because of all the demands and derailments they experience throughout any given day. If you can go back to a distillation of desire, you’re golden.
• The person or people you’re influencing likely need to do some influencing.?Most of your stakeholders have stakeholders of their own. You may influence your child, but they may then need their friends to affirm their choice if it’s going to stick. You might have gotten buy-in from your counterpart in engineering, but they may need to sell the idea to their team if it’s going to happen. How do you equip them to socialize their new thinking? Give them lots of words and information? Of course not — they’d be unlikely to remember and even less likely to find a willing audience. You need to give them a simple summary.?
• Anything you suggest will be best received when it’s linked to core desires.?We’ll get more into this idea in future posts. For now, suffice it to say that anything you explain can now be said in the context of what matters. Consider again the words of?Dale Carnegie: “Talk in terms of the other person’s interests.” What does this mean? When you speak, use language that resonates with the desires of others!?

I recommend recapping at four regular times throughout the course of ongoing interactions with others:

1. During an interaction. As you’re listening, you can occasionally say things like,?So, let me make sure I’m getting this right… Here’s what I hear you saying…?or?Can I recap what I think you’ve said so far??This is especially useful to do before you transition into making some of your own comments and suggestions.
2. At the completion of a meeting (or segment of a meeting).?Summarizing what’s been said, and what’s been agreed to, at the end of a meeting (or at the end of a portion of the meeting) can provide helpful closure and agreement before moving on.?
3. In meeting follow-up.?It also shows diligence and strong follow-up when you can send a written summary to people after a conversation, either over email, text or other appropriate channels. Most people appreciate having some documentation for reference. Just write a quick note that very briefly summarizes what they said was most important, like, “Sam, thank you for a productive meeting today about your goal to increase productivity in our newer markets so that we’re able to satisfy the board pressure you’re experiencing right now. Looking forward to our next meeting to review possible strategies!”
4. At the start of a meeting.?Great leaders consistently reference the big-picture value or outcomes your conversation is driving toward. Whether it’s a formal or informal meeting, whether it’s a one-time or recurring meeting, you have the chance to frame the conversation in the context of the most important desires.

The goal is to regularly summarize what matters most to those you’re trying to influence. This will lay the perfect foundation for you to then move into explaining your position or ideas in a way that will maximize engagement and urgency.

What meetings or conversations are coming up where you could be more intentional about recapping the core desire(s) of others in as few words as possible?

Patterns are Inevitable. Growth is Optional. Check out my award-winning book Four Patterns of Healthy People to become more aware of the healthy and unhealthy patterns in your thoughts, relationships, ego, and daily operations.

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About the Author. Matt Norman coaches and advises executives on how to build great people and culture. He is President & CEO of Norman & Associates, which offers custom coaching and consulting in the areas of talent strategy, personal effectiveness, planning, and goal alignment. Norman & Associates also provides Dale Carnegie cohort-style action learning programs to help people improve how they communicate, lead, influence, and work together.

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