One Step At A Time

I admit it, I am having a tough time at the moment. The universe seems set to conspire against me. And I have been overwhelmed by one failure or extreme event after another.?

Just this week, we had a violent robbery on the premises that involved four armed gunmen holding the family at gun point and a 13 year old boy was threatened with a large blade to their throat. A home invasion is a terrifying experience and not one that you recover from easily. The effects linger: fear that the perpetrators will return, an over-vigilance and reaction to the slightest sound or changes in the environment, and it resurges trauma from previous experiences of? violence. In the same week, a deal that I have been toiling on for months fell through due to a fairly laissez faire change of heart by the vendor after several months of negotiations, and then today, while walking the dog, the dog bolted towards a car while crossing the road, tripping me and dragging me face first into the tarmac in the direct pathway of an oncoming car. Thankfully the car managed to do an emergency stop and not drive straight over me but I am nursing some nasty scrapes and bruises from the fall.

It can be hard not to start to feel personally targeted by life’s bullying! At these times, life's weight can feel unbearable, pushing me into a vortex of negativity. Despite my best efforts, feelings of defeat cloud my mind, and it seems like the universe conspires against me. In those moments, staying positive feels like an uphill battle, draining my optimism and leaving me submerged in a sea of uncertainty.

The weight of setbacks and challenges often creates a heavy fog, blurring my vision of the future and making every step forward seem arduous. It's during these times that "changing my luck" feels like an insurmountable task.?

So what can be done? Well, you may have noticed, that I have been writing quite a lot this week. Well, that is my therapy. The writing is a personal pep talk, A way to refocus my mind on the larger aspects of life, to get perspective about the broader picture and to refocus on the growth and positivity in front of me, even when things seem impossible. Despite my natural desire to wallow, deep down - very deep and distant, a whisper of hope persists, nudging me to seek solace in positivity. And so I sit down and I write.?

You see, I have depression. It took me a long time to acknowledge that. I wish I knew sooner. I have struggled through many dark times with no understanding and no support, unable to get out of my own head or find hope because I simply did not know what was happening to me. Retrospectively, had I known what I was dealing with, I would have been better equipped to manage through the darker times.?

Weeks like this one are hard on anyone. Trauma from the past resurfaces when you face life threatening circumstances. In the immediate time that follows such experiences, you do not only deal with the trauma of the present, but simultaneously with the trauma of the past that rears its ugly head once more. Compound that with Depression, it can be hard to find hope.?

Shifting from despair to positivity requires a conscious effort—a persistent dedication to rewriting the narrative of my circumstances. Both metaphorically and literally. It demands acknowledging the darkness while fervently seeking the light within. It means silencing the echoes of doubt and cultivating resilience amidst adversity.

I have a mantra that works for me (it is different for everyone): ONE STEP AT A TIME. In times of Darkness, I simply repeat this phrase over and over again. ONE STEP AT A TIME. Simply putting one foot in front of the other. I start with “just get out of bed”, then “ just make your bed”, followed by “just have a shower” and “just brush your teeth”, and so on. ONE STEP AT A TIME. I put no expectation on myself to achieve more than the single task at hand.?

From experience, my central belief is: mens sana in corpore sano. A healthy mind in a healthy body. The power and importance of exercise, of moving your body, is central to successful mental health.?

1. Hygiene: Keep your home, work and any environment you operate in as clean as possible. A cluttered environment is the symptom of a cluttered mind. This is only superseded by personal hygiene. Daily showers, washing your hair and wearing clean clothes is vital for mental and physical vitality. I was astonished to learn this week that in a survey by?OnBuy: one in five men don’t change their underwear every day – and women aren’t much better at 18%. The research – for which the company surveyed 2,790 people – found that 1 in 20?men re-wear their underwear?more than five times?before washing them. Simply putting on clean clothes and clean underwear will go a long way to improving your state of mind. We often say “dress for the job you want”… well, “dress for the state of mind you want”.
2. Exercise: You do not need to spend 2 hours in the gym or contort your body into crazy yoga poses in a hot room for 90 minutes. A simple gentle walk outside, in the fresh air, ideally in some kind of natural environment such as a park, forest or mountain, for just 20 minutes can lift your mood and enhance your presence of mind. Moving your body, even a little, will increase your heart rate, push fresh oxygenated blood through your entire body and your brain.?

1. Diet: It’s a cliche for a reason - you are what you eat. Despite the desire to wallow and drown your low mood in stodgy highly processed food or numb your senses with alcohol or other suppressants, it is better to feed your body with the nutrients it needs now more than ever. Eat light, healthy, protein-based foods with a lot of green vegetables. Gut health is linked to your mental health. Increase your fibre intake to literally rid your body (and as a result, your mind) of the sh*t.? Avoid sugary snacks and drinks. And avoid alcohol as much as possible. For warmth and comfort, stick to herbal teas. The odd glass of wine or whisky is fine and can take the edge off (assuming you are not dealing with addiction) but the suppressing effects of excessive alcohol or drug use will expedite the downward spiral of depression.

So how will I “change my luck” after this shocking week??

Well, I started with writing. And then talking to someone. I am surrounded by loving friends and good counsel. And in times of extreme stress, we must rely on those around us to help. Never be afraid to ask for help. None of us is Herculean. We all hurt, we all bleed, we all fail. And we all need friends and community to help us get back up. ?

This helps me get to the next stage: changing my perspective. It's about reframing the setbacks. Every stumble becomes a stepping stone. I tell myself: “well, if you can survive this, you have to get up and keep going”. Survival is in itself a motivator. After all, if that experience didn’t kill me and I managed to survive that ordeal, then it seems counter intuitive to lay down and die now. I accept the miracle of surviving the unsurvive-able as a sign to keep going. It requires unwavering belief in my ability to persevere, to rise above the chaos, and carve a path toward a brighter horizon. Despite the hardships, I find solace in acknowledging the small victories, the moments of joy, and the people who stand by me.

I confess I am not very good at Gratitude? - it doesn’t come naturally to me for some reason. It really is something I have to practice. Practice often. Because Gratitude helps to rewire my mindset, offering a glimmer of light in the darkest of times.

I seek inspiration from those who have overcome similar struggles, immersing myself in uplifting stories, and fostering an environment that breeds hope and encouragement.? I am currently reading Becoming Wise: An Inquiry into the Mystery and Art of Living by Krista Tippett. It’s a revelation!?

And most importantly: Self-compassion becomes my ally. Accepting that it's okay to falter and that I am human allows me to embrace vulnerability without succumbing to the feelings of defeat. It's a gentle reminder to treat myself with kindness, acknowledging that setbacks do not define my worth or determine my future.

And so, I slowly reclaim my power. It's a gradual process, an ongoing battle against negativity, but each step forward strengthens my resolve. We don’t really ever heal from trauma, we are scarred by the events in our lifetime. We carry those scars with us. But we can repair enough to stay alive, to live joyful and full lives. Sometimes we can even become stronger through the process of recovery, turning pain and brokenness into opportunities. Although we must be careful not to demand that of ourselves or anyone else at every trip. Not every moment of failure is a moment of learning, sometimes its just a moment to recover from. And that is ok!?

Surviving is sometimes enough of an achievement in a day. Over time we nurture resilience, foster hope, and choose to believe that brighter days lie ahead—days filled with renewed optimism, unwavering determination, and the resilience to conquer whatever challenges come our way.

In the meantime, you are not alone. Help is available. And no one situation is permanent.?

Author:

Written by Michelle de Havilland. Michelle is CEO of Black Gate (www.black-gate.co.uk) and a Coach. She originally studied Psychology and Mass Communications and now offers Coaching to professionals, executives and leaders - helping clients navigate through personal and professional growth with the belief that we all possess the power to steer our lives. We have the potential to opens doors to greatness and leave a meaningful legacy. For information on MD's Coaching services, log on to www.MDCoach.co.uk or email [email protected] for more information.