The one skill that distinguishes good leaders from mediocre bosses

Every leader, manager or boss I worked for was extremely talented, had vast experience, was result-oriented, had proven success record and had a great career path.

They had many differences: Background, culture, country they originally came from, gender, MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator), age, their philosophy, macro versus micro management, presentation skills, oratory skills, level in the organization.

In spite of all the similarities and differences, one precisely distinguishing skill made some of them stand out over the others — Empathic Listening.

Tom's (name changed) staff meetings used to be an hour long, with three of us in the meeting: Tom, my peer and me. For 30 minutes Tom used to update us on every small detail from the staff meeting with his boss. Next 20 minutes he would talk about various projects and what his expectations were. Then he used to give us couple of minutes each to share updates in our areas. In those last few minutes, he always had the next meeting in his mind and was not attentive at all.

Only after I insisted for recurring one on one meeting, he reluctantly agreed to conduct those on fortnightly basis. Most of them got cancelled as he had emergencies to attend. The ones we ended up having, I hardly got chance to speak. This was the same situation with my other colleagues too. No wonder we went from being five in the team to just two of us in less than a year.

He made sure I understood he was the boss and he was important. Always.

Linda, Raj and Don (names changed) were different. They used to listen attentively, removed all distractions, asked just enough questions to get more information, were interested in upside as well as downsides, clearly understood and also shared my feelings. My one on ones with them were focused, lasted less than 30 minutes since I was the one talking 90% of the time.

They demonstrated what Empathic Listening was. Every time.

They made sure I felt important and heard. I looked at them as leaders. Always.

The leaders like Linda, Raj and Don help their team and the organization they work for, thus increasing the empathy level within the organization. These are the leaders who contribute in higher ranking of their organizations in the Empathy Global Index.

This one skill when learnt and incorporated, will drastically improve our lives irrespective of what role we are playing: leader, manager, boss, program manager, consultant, teacher or parent.

Empathic listening — What it is

Empathic listening is the ability to understand and share the feelings and emotions of the other person, and grasp their point of view — commonly referred to as "Putting oneself into other's shoes." It helps in mutual understanding, better relationships, deeper connections and building trust.

It is different than showing sympathy — which is being compassionate, being sorry or showing pity for the situation in which the other person is.

Empathy is about standing in someone else's shoes, feeling with his or her heart, seeing with his or her eyes. Not only is empathy hard to outsource and automate, but it makes the world a better place - Daniel H. Pink

How to improve empathic listening skills

The best book on improving listening skills is Mark Goulston's book—"Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone." Another great resource is this article on Empathic Listening by Richard Salem from University of Colorado.

Here are the key techniques:

1. Get rid of all distractions: In today's social and mobile world, myriad of apps, text messages and email notifications are the sources of biggest distractions. Many seem to give preference to these over the person sitting next to them. Best way is to close all these distractions, and use simple notepad.
2. Give your complete attention to what is being shared and how: the body language, facial expressions and the feelings behind those. Do not dwell on your thoughts about the topic. Keep all your questions aside except for the open ended questions to ask for better understanding like "Tell me more", "I want to know more", "How did that feel."
3. Do not judge or criticize: The idea is to fully understand the point of view from their perspective. Do not interrupt, interfere or try to give advice. It is critical to not get carried away though.
4. Watch your own body language and expressions: Be really interested and make sure it comes across that way too. Any reactive expressions conflicting with their feelings will impact drastically and will abruptly curtail the conversation.
5. Mirror your understanding: After you listen completely, mirror back the understanding and feelings to make sure that you have understood it fully.
6. Grasp, Digest, Introspect: After the discussions are over, take some time to review the information from various angles, before taking any decisions and actions.

If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from his angle as well as your own - Henry Ford

All this is easy to understand at the same time hard to incorporate, but once done, I am sure it will help in professional as well as personal life situations.

Let us all develop this one key skill and continuously improve on it.

Your turn: I am interested in knowing your experiences. Did you come across this or any other key differentiating skill between good leaders and mediocre ones?

*If this helped and might help others, please share and comment.*

If you like to get an update when I publish a new blog, please subscribe to "Something from the Heart"

_____________________________________________________________________

Links to couple of my blog posts which seem to have struck a chord:

• Today is the day you were waiting for..
• How to make 10 minutes today more powerful than many years of your life