The One Often Misunderstood Thing You Need To Propel Your Career

I study and frequently write about qualities that can enhance—or detract from—your career progress. Like many of you, I'm on a quest for continuous improvement, strive to maintain a growth mindset, and try to practice self-awareness. I advise others on the importance of complementing your knowledge and professional expertise with so-called "soft skills," interpersonal traits and skills such as service, empathy, compassion, kindness, awareness, and communication.

Despite my focus on personal and professional growth, the one thing I struggle with is something most people are quick to discount: self-compassion.

For many, the term self-compassion conjures up the not-so-pleasant traits of self-pity, self-indulgence, and self-esteem. They believe practicing self-compassion means wallowing in your own problems, permitting yourself to get away with bad behavior, or artificially pumping up your ego.

But it turns out self-compassion is none of those things—and is crucial to career growth.

In diving into the topic of self-compassion, I came across the work of Dr. Kristin Neff, a psychology professor at the University of Texas at Austin and author of Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself.

Neff states that "self-compassion involves three components: being kind and caring toward yourself rather than harshly self-critical; framing imperfection in terms of the shared human experience; and seeing things clearly without ignoring or exaggerating problems." 

In other words, it's about treating yourself the supportive way you would a treasured friend or colleague. How can you do that? Here are a few ways to shift into a more self-compassionate mode:

First, permit yourself to treat yourself the way you'd treat others

Though this may seem obvious, it's worth noting. Most of us have no problem supporting others, yet we tend to forget that we, too, are human. And humans (yes, even you) are far from perfect; they make mistakes and have shortcomings and weaknesses. When the inevitable happens, Neff suggests that you ask yourself, "What would I say to a friend in this situation?” This will help you reframe the situation, view yourself as a work-in-progress, and treat yourself with kindness.

Swap self-criticism for supportive self-talk—and become more resilient

When facing disappointment, say over a lost pitch or promotion, it's easy to get down and call yourself a failure. This leads to a negative spiral of perfectionism and procrastination fueled by anxiety, says Neff, “because the fear of not measuring up looms large.” Instead, practice self-compassion through supportive talk; ask yourself what you can learn from the experience. Viewing the situation as data can help you identify what you need to work to achieve a desirable outcome. Self-compassion, Neff says, is also linked to having a growth mindset, or the belief that intelligence can be developed over time. And when you adopt a growth mindset, research shows that you thrive on challenges, become more resilient after facing obstacles, and see failure as way to begin again rather than time to give up.

Learn to calm your nervous system

We've all felt the effects of our nervous system when something goes wrong—your palms are sweaty, you can't catch your breath and your heart is racing. But self-compassion can help. Neff says we can learn to calm ourselves by breathing deeply and using the power of touch. “If you are feeling upset, put your hand on your heart," Neff says. Doing so releases oxytocin, a hormone that makes us feel safe and connected. 

Aside from helping you feel good, practicing self-compassion also supports lifelong learning, diminishes feelings of failure and enables you to become more resilience, all of which are the building blocks to fuel your career.

This article was first published on Forbes.com.

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Amy Blaschka is a ghostwriter/coach, and co-founder of Park City Think Tank, where she helps leaders communicate effectively and focus on what—and who—matters most.

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