?? One Of The Most Difficult Things Is To See Ourselves Clearly
James Traub
Divorce & Wellbeing Coach | Guiding Parents to Their "Best Possible Divorce" | Men's Work Facilitator
3 years ago I believed my life was pretty well 'on track'.
By many external measures, I was doing all the ‘right’ things.
I was moving up in my profession, making more money, building my net worth, and starting a family. ??
Sure, life was no longer exciting in the way it once was (rock climbing, travel, frequently moving to new states, taking new jobs), but it did provide plenty of challenges in terms of navigating my career and the business of having children.
I didn’t think much was missing, but when I look back on this period, although I felt challenged and often stretched to my limits at work, I have to admit that I didn’t feel as vibrantly alive as a human being.
Yet, somehow, despite all of this (which I didn’t have perspective on at the time), I still felt like I was moving in the right direction…
? It’s amazing how quickly things can change.
Just 3 years ago my daily focus was on work, getting promoted, where to vacation, and how to manage my worsening anxiety (which, for the longest time, I thought was a normal tradeoff for working a ‘high stress’ job).
Yet, today my focus is on:
I didn’t realize how numb I had become…to just about everything. ??
I thought my ability to remain unemotional was one of my strengths. ??
I thought doing it all on my own was the brave thing to do. ??
I thought continued success at work would eventually make me happy and make life feel more fulfilling. ??
I thought being the way other people wanted me to be would provide greater security and acceptance. ??
A key step in breaking free from this illusion came when I realized my 20-year old self would not have looked fondly at the way I was living at 40...
My priorities had changed.
My values had shifted.
My actions often weren’t congruent with the type of person I believed myself to be.
And the pursuit of money, saving, and material comforts had become too important...
To be fair, life is not yet peachy. ??
There’s still a lot of things that need to be sorted out...
But life is moving in the right direction…
And one of the tools that has helped me tremendously on this journey is The Great Man Within podcast by Dominick Quartuccio.?
(If you haven’t yet listened to the ‘5 Signs You’re Lone Wolfing Your Life’ episode, I recommend you start with that one.???)
And if you like Dominick’s style, I highly recommend listening to this interview with John Wineland on The Art of Masculine Leadership.
John is a longtime student of David Deida, author of the must-read men's book: The Way of the Superior Man.
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As you know if you’ve been reading these newsletters, my mission is to help men harness the power of emotional intelligence to create greater success and satisfaction in their lives.
And having just re-read the book King, Warrior, Magician, Lover, I was reminded that men spend the first 40-50 years of their life moving through the Warrior and Magician archetypes--both of which are, by their nature, emotionally detached.
Then, in mid-life, the Lover archetype abruptly begins to onboard and men begin to ‘feel’ things more deeply.
Often, what they begin to feel is dissatisfaction:
And this dissatisfaction can be overwhelming.
It’s not that these feelings are new, but that your awareness of them is deepening, and they can no longer be ignored. ?? ??
And it’s for this reason that it’s so tremendously helpful for men to develop greater emotional intelligence, not only so you can cope better with the feelings that are arising in your life...
...but because the answers to many of the questions you haven’t been able to answer by ‘thinking’ about them (should I stay in this job, should I stay in this relationship, WTF am I doing with my life, is this all there is? why aren't I happy?), CAN be illuminated by feeling into them.
But only if you have the capacity to do so!
(And this is where everything ties back to this podcast with John Wineland...)
As John explains during this interview, to deepen your masculine presence and energy, it requires that a man learn to remain open and present in the face of strong and overwhelming emotions.
Suppressing, distancing, distracting, numbing, or otherwise avoiding intense feelings and emotions stifles your development as a man.
To remain grounded, present, and open in the face of overwhelming grief, sadness, anger, disgust, or fear is one of the primary gifts of the mature masculine.?
Life the proverbial oak tree , this masculine capacity provides shelter when emotional storms rage inside and outside of us.
But such capacity can not be developed at all if a man refuses to feel, which is often what happens when a man has access to substantial money and pursues a life of comfort and convenience.
In time, such a man will find his 'libido' (as Freud defined it, 'the mental energy behind purposeful human activity of any kind') to be lacking.
Which is why I believe it’s so damn important for men to develop their emotional intelligence and learn what emotions are and what they mean.
?? And as long as you continue to make progress on this journey, you will find that your heart begins to experience the inner peace and ease you've long been after. ??
If any of this resonates with you or struck a chord, please send me a note or leave me a comment below!
Until next time,
James
The Journey Inward is a newsletter for men who are ready to begin an exploration of their inner landscape. Rather than discuss what’s going on in the world-at-large, we’ll be focusing on what’s going on in your world–the world of emotions, feelings, needs, values, goals, and desires.
As you’ll soon discover, your experience of the people and the world around you is a reflection of what’s going on inside of you.
My goal with this newsletter is simply to bring forward new concepts and ideas that will help you to explore, understand, and cultivate a more peaceful and authentic inner state, and support you in becoming the great man you want to be.
?? If you enjoyed this newsletter, please subscribe (new editions are published weekly), and to learn more about me and the work I do, please visit www.innerstate.life