One Man’s Storied Reminder of Distorted Thinking

My thoughts distorted

Yea, my thoughts distorted

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Lyric from the song ‘Distorted’

By Marlon Orlando

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I know it sounds absurd. For a long time, I thought I was the only one.

I now believe each of us has our own versions of bizarre narratives that persist within us.

I worked with my hands for two hours this past Sunday in a way I had not done in a while. I used an extended pole to see and clip branches off a tree. It did not take long for the skin on my hands to betray me.?

My sensitive skin blisters effortlessly. It always has, and despite my fervent desire for it to be otherwise, it will not change now.

Fortunately, it has never created any difficulties I could not overcome. Sure, blisters are painful and unsightly and, at their worst, become infected. Eventually, calluses develop, and the process repeats itself.

The physical effects of my experience are not notable.

However, my blistered hands evoked a distorted narrative I told myself for decades, which I have now let go of. At least, I think I have.

I believed my sensitive skin represented a physical manifestation of my lack of manliness. This would be comical if it did not damage me for so long.

What distorted stories do you tell yourself? From where did they originate? How do they affect the way you lead?

What Distorted Stories Do You Tell Yourself??

As distorted as it sounds, I believed for many years that my body manifested what I knew was true about me. I was not man enough. I was unworthy—my own version of not enough, which I find tiring.?

On its face, it is ridiculous. Yet I bought into its truth.

How could I turn a simple, albeit unwanted, attribute of my body into a story with which to bludgeon myself mercilessly? What purpose did it serve? What took me so long to let it go??

Do you find yourself telling inexplicable stories that have no basis in reality?

From Where Did They Originate?

I realized several years ago that I put many things through a gendered lens that did not warrant it.

It was a way to confirm a storyline I developed as a child and cemented in adolescence from my father’s rejection, abuse, and subsequent suicide when I was thirteen.?

I know my father was distraught and reached degrees of hopelessness and helplessness from which he could not free himself. However, that is not how I experienced his downfall as a kid. I interpreted his discomfort with himself as his discomfort with me.

I only realized recently that I had absorbed his self-hatred and regarded myself similarly. Although I recognize in my head that these beliefs are not accurate, they remain with me in my body in a visceral way.

Consequently, I engage in pitched-to-the-death battles between these parts of myself. I have done this ever since I can remember. The traumatized kid in me believes that if anyone sees the flaw that prompted my father’s rejection, I will be unable to handle it and will disintegrate.

The fear and shame these beliefs generate have led to inexplicable self-sabotaging behaviors and responses that have held me back in countless ways throughout my life.

Despite successes, my self-concept got trapped in a different time and place.

I now recognize this resulted from trauma, which, until several months ago, I denied I had experienced.

Three statements about trauma resonate strongly with me and convince me otherwise. Trauma expert Gabor Maté uses the expression ‘Being run by trauma.’ I now understand the degree to which my life, decisions, and coping behaviors have not just been influenced by trauma. Trauma has been running the show.

Dr. van der Kolk is a psychiatrist, researcher, and best-selling author of The Body Keeps the Score. I recognized van der Kolk’s definition of trauma as valid for me as soon as I heard it. He describes it as ‘Experiencing a period of overwhelm when you did not have anyone to turn to.’ I instantly recognized that I had felt this way for many years as a child and adolescent.

Researchers have come to describe trauma as ‘an event or experience that negatively changes the way we see ourselves, others, and the world around us.’

My therapist assures me that suicide alone constitutes a significant big T trauma, especially at that age.

Trauma narratives become a part of us. Our responses to them become normalized even as they remain disconnected from other parts of ourselves. We may realize at some level that they are distorted and harmful, yet they persist with another part that has never moved on.

We carry the storylines we made up at the time and age they occurred. Despite our growing older and gaining experience and knowledge, they remain unchanged unless we can get help accessing them and shifting our relationship to them at a gut level.

How Do They Affect the Way You Lead?

Since trauma ‘negatively changes the way we see ourselves, others, and the world around us,’ it impacts our leadership.

Trauma is much more prevalent in us and the people with whom we interact than we realize. When we lead, we deal with it whether we like it or not – much of it remains unresolved.

You need to identify how your stories shape you and drive your subconscious narrative. If they persistently undermine you, you must take deliberate action to change them.

Denying trauma’s impact makes you less empathetic, compassionate, and forgiving. It prevents you from connecting entirely with others, compromising your ability to fully engage with them.

When you deny trauma in yourself, you will not recognize or accept it in others.

You must rewrite hurtful narratives into helpful ones. Pop psychology would have you believe it merely requires positive thinking, rejecting negative thoughts, and reprogramming yourself.

As challenging as those sound, they lack what is necessary – getting to and addressing the root cause. There are no shortcuts.

I recognize that you may take different paths to healing.

I have found the need to employ skilled professionals with expertise in methodologies specifically designed to heal trauma, including Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy (EMDR) and Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS).

I am committed to doing what I must to significantly reduce or eliminate the not enough narrative within myself.

If you are going to tell yourself fantastical stories, make them uplifting ones that propel you forward based on acknowledged sufferings and informed healing. That is the pathway to whole-hearted leadership.

Worthy Inquiries:

1.??? What recurring narratives do you have about yourself?

2.??? Do your stories emanate from particular times, circumstances, or events?

3.??? Do you recognize how those stories got there? Can you acknowledge how they affect you?

4.??? Do the statements about trauma resonate with you? What roles has trauma played in your life?

5.??? ?What stories exemplify you, your team, or your company? How do they help? How do they hurt?

If you want to discuss ways to develop and grow your leadership to benefit yourself, your team, your family, or your organization, please reach out to me. I welcome the connection.

Robert Hackman, Principal, 4C Consulting and Coaching, helps people live and lead with fewer regrets. He grows and develops leaders through executive coaching consulting, facilitation, and training of individuals, teams, and organizations. He is committed to Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. He facilitates trusting environments that promote uncommonly candid conversations. Rob is also passionate about the power of developing Legacy Mindsets and has conducted over 50 Legacy interviews with people to date.

A serious man with a dry sense of humor who loves absurdity can often be found hiking rocky elevations or making music playlists. His mixes, including Pandemic Playlists and Music About Men, among others, can be found on Spotify.

Bravely bring your curiosity to a conversation with Rob, schedule via voice or text @ 484.800.2203 or [email protected] .