One Man's Mental Health...

I am man, in case any one hadn’t noticed. I am also a man who over the years has struggled with his mental health.

Many people won’t know this because, like a lot of men, I’ve hidden it well. Yes I play the fool sometimes, and yes my mates will say you’re mad etc, but that’s not what I am talking about when I speak about mental health.

I’ve attempted suicide on three occasions throughout my life. Thankfully none were particularly well thought out or successful. But the truth is there has always been an internal battle going on within me. At my best I can be amazing, at my worst I’m highly reckless. And finding balance in that area was always my biggest challenge.

What I want to really speak about however is why I, and I only speak for myself here, not all men, as I recognise everyone is different, have never spoken too deeply about this with the professional’s I’ve encountered.

I have had therapy and counselling following the deaths of my family while I was in prison. And to be totally honest, neither of them helped me in any great way. Again, that’s not to say they don’t work for others, they do, and I know many wonderful therapists and counsellors who do great jobs.

I think it comes down to personality, however. And the difference between sympathy and empathy. I have never been someone who enjoys receiving sympathy. I hate it. I hate feeling like some kind of victim. Empathy however is a bit different as it is simply showing that you can understand someone’s feelings and emotions.

I pull away the moment someone gives me sympathy. The approach that has always worked for me is the direct approach. I may not like being challenged or put on the spot sometimes, but it is ultimately the approach that has helped me take the responsibility I have needed to, and break free of any self-defeating thoughts and behaviours.

Now again, that approach will not work for everyone. In fact, in some cases it can make someone’s situation worse. But what it does highlight is that we are all different and what works for some, does not work for others.

This is essentially why I rebranded to work with men in particular. Although I do still work with women, my focus was to help certain types of guys, who prefer a more direct, logical and common-sense approach to their problems.

After having countless guys approach me and tell me they were put off speaking to a professional about their issues because they believed they would be made to feel either patronised or judged by someone who could not relate to their personal experience, or that they were put off by the softly softly approach many coaches and therapists use, I realised I was one of those guys!

The victim mindset can be incredibly difficult to break free from. We tend to bounce between a victim narrative, and one of conflict, when we are struggling mentally. And personally, when I find myself feeling that way, it was important I found empathy, but certainly not sympathy! And all too often, it was the latter I would receive.

As a result of that, I would simply retreat further within myself. That is why there’s an important balance to be found between the two. Again, everyone is different, but this is solely my experience. For me, sympathy served only one purpose, it removed any personal responsibility I had over my circumstances. The whole ‘poor you’ thing just made me worse.

Mental wellbeing is an ongoing task, and to some extent we all struggle mentally. It doesn’t have to be something extreme. Simply finding yourself lacking in confidence, and self-belief, or overthinking and worrying excessively over stuff is down to your mental wellbeing and balance. And mine has been challenged to the extreme over the years.

I still have tremendously tough times, which is not surprising considering what I have been through. However, since I worked on my own self-awareness and acceptance it has become much easier to manage those periods. There’s still occasions where a suicidal thought may enter my mind even, although I am quickly able to reframe and alter that and focus on the many things in my life, I am grateful for instead.

And the reason I am now able to do this and stay largely in control of my mental and emotional balance is solely down to the work I have done on myself, using the philosophy I now teach my own clients. It’s a logical, common sense, based approach that works for me. It isn’t all meditation, affirmations, and universe kinda stuff, but just basic common sense.

Work on your self-awareness, and you become more conscious of your thoughts and beliefs…

Work on self-acceptance, and you release any inner demons that hold you back…

Identify and change beliefs that don’t work for you…

And create thoughts, feelings, and actions that you choose consciously…

All of that is straight forward common sense. And all of that leads to a much healthier, happier life.

Most of us assume that people struggling mentally are those with extreme problems. The reality is however, we all are!

Most of us live our lives from a low level of energy which is full of judgment, frustration, guilt, self-pity, blame and anger. Just switch on the news, or go on social media to see that…

And if you spend you life living at a level of energy which is solely focused on problems, then mentally you will struggle to see past those.

And yet, it’s totally normal for us all to do so!

Sometimes in life though we need that proverbial kick up the bum to get us to start shifting our perspectives and get ourselves into a much healthier way of seeing, feeling, and doing things…

And for me personally, that comes when someone is direct and practical in their approach with me.

And that is exactly the approach I also take with the people I work with!

It’s not for everyone, but it certainly is for many…